The Rise of PolyPhony
I can already see the usefulness and need for having a lifestory blog here, because I intend to go the distance, however I am admittedly at the very cusp of my journey. Thoughts and events are bubbling to the surface, as I grow, or "open up", as a possibly Poly person, and I think it would be useful to journal here whenever I can, and at times get some reflection from the community, keep me in check if necessary, and gain any direct perspective through that process.
BACKGROUND / ORIENTATION
I am a man in my mid-thirties, who is straight as an arrow. But that's not to say that I am rigid. I'm not curious, but if my girls wanted to play with a man and had some fantasy I could help them with, I have no fear of another man. But it wouldn't change how much I love women. I was raised by a single mom, who was widowed, along with my half-sister, and eventually through re-marriage I gained two more step sisters. My mom really was always proud of me and stood up for me, and that coupled with all the girl power in the house carved me out as a real Momma's Boy (a boy or man who puts women on a pedestal and puts them first, even before themselves). I later worked through this problematic personality disorder in order to regain balance and healthy relationships in my life. I thankfully haven't become the opposite, but I do have some real opinions on the purposes of Man and Woman and how to make that flow work. I believe in Gender Roles, but if I have to be the minority in that belief, that's ok, I still allow the freedom for other ways in the world and I accept them. So these are opinions for myself, and I try not to project them onto others, but I do get philosophical about it sometimes and others can get offended for me bringing up such hot topics. I've been called a Male Chauvinist and a Machista, but I don't think I fit the typical mold for that, as I don't work out, I really hate sports, I don't drink beer or any alcohol socially, and I don't like hanging out with guy friends...at all. A lot of Male Chauvinists will go out together drinking, they might talk about how to keep their women in line, or do worse towards women while they are together. I don't identify with that at all, and I would stand up for women in those spots.
I will talk more about how I came to the realization that I am Poly-minded in this Lifestory Blog, but for now it's important to note that I very much identify with it, and at the time of this posting, I am a Poly Virgin. I have not yet experienced anything full-on-Poly, actually. Right now it's a concept that agrees with me, and my wife-to-be and I are experimenting with me opening up and it scares the living hell out of her. So far she has only been able to entertain the idea of a threesome (in the swinging sense). And because I have always given her her freedom, she has experimented more with the threesome and bi-curious tendencies, or basically getting together with others sexually, than I have. I have yet to experience a sexual threesome which for me would wind up being more about Poly than Swinging, but to each his own. But the reason I am starting this Lifestory Blog so early in, is we are planning on our own threesomes any day now, and I believe this will be one step in my journey of opening up to Poly.
Many serious life changes are being discussed. I have children from my previous marriage, and my fiancee and I have one child from this one, and she has two daughters from before, one of which was living with her grandparents and has no father present, so I have embraced the role and moved her into our home. That is a complicated long story I can get deeper into another post.
ARROGANT and EGOTISTICAL
I'll be forthright and inform any readers that I have a bad habit of either coming across as arrogant, or being arrogant, and that although that I'm aware of it and it bothers me that I do that, it's very hard for me to temper down. So my apologies to all who just are turned off at the outset of anything I say because it's loaded with arrogance. I am aware of that negative side of myself, and I work everyday to be better in that respect. I just recommend you take everything I say with a grain of salt, and if you could just look deeper into my journey you should find some real interesting emotions, thoughts, that are actually worth sharing despite them being cloaked in any arrogance. That said, I really will always be trying to do my best to keep that down. But sometimes I go back and read what I wrote later and can't believe how egotistical and arrogant I sound. I don't like it, but I own it, and I take full responsibility for it.
My biggest intention with sharing as a concept, in life, is to make this world a better place through learning from each other's mistakes, and being able to stand on each other's shoulders, so that none of us have to embark on our journey's like we're back in the stone age. I don't know what it is about me, but I love to share. I always have. I never fought about toys as a child. And it always makes me happy to make someone else happy, first, before I think of myself.
I have a strong "compersive" core (no idea if this is a proper inflection of the coined word compersion). I have had that attribute my whole life, and the discovery of Poly has been a wonderful realization that the way I am has an outlet that can be accepted when it comes to Love and Intimacy. I never liked that I had to limit my love output. I've often been too much for women I was with, eventually smothering them or getting other destructive results because of my needs to express love. I rarely if ever experience Jealousy or Envy, and if I do I immediate switch the feelings over to happiness and joy for the other person. My feeling is, if it makes you happy, go do it, I'm happy for you, genuinely. Even in the cases where something that might make me jealous has occurred and the person who participated in it is not happy with what they've done or chosen, I find myself only feeling sad for that person. I never feel threatened or afraid... of my path in life, if someone else should not want to be a part of it (jealous potential), or if someone else has something that I want (envy potential). RE: Envy, my feeling is that if I have not earned the thing myself, than I do not wish to steal or lie or cheat to get it.
Ever since the first time I was caught lying to my mother at age 7, I just could not ever handle lying again. I have screwed up more relationships being honest about my feelings than I could have kept together if I was not so open and truthful. And so many situations at work, and in life. It seems this world spins better with lies. Well, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't believe that is good behavior. I have told white lies, and I have lied by omission, but I still prefer to tell the truth and get what I deserve for what I have earned. I don't like making myself out to be different than I am, nor do I think anyone should have a right to anything they haven't earned or don't deserve.
AMBIGUOUS / FREEFLOWING
Sometimes I may say something that just doesn't register. That could be because many thoughts are coming into my head at the same time and I'm trying to get them all down and sometimes they interact and what I express turns out to be only understandable by me or by a VERY PATIENT PERSON, lol. Heck sometimes I go back and read it later, and think: "what the hell was I getting at?" and even I can't figure it out. But I think this "Lifestory Blog" format is a great place for me to just throw plaster at the wall and see what sticks and becomes a part of my true life story.
I will also sometimes talk out of my ass! lol ... I'm going to just say that right at the outset. However, I do have a high IQ and whatever I'm purporting comes from a place of being a sensible, experienced, logical "guess". We all talk that way sometimes, otherwise we would sound like scientific robots, but sometimes I do it with big things...important things....subjective things. I can be found to make giant magically broad statements about things I believe later to only be shot down for it having holes (exceptions) or that I was offensive to groups who are sensitive to the otherwise.
OPINIONATED / OFFENSIVE
I can't please everybody at the same time, and I'm pretty opinionated. I am a strong personality to deal with in real life. Although I am mild mannered, I have a very strong active mind with a uniquely developed set of values. They will often not agree with your values. One of my own personal tenets of life philosophy is being original. So I try and adopt my own ideals based on my own theories. I don't really believe anything anyone says. I have to figure out the "why" on my own, and than I figure out to believe it or I don't.
God is a great example of me believing only what I think for myself. I'm open to the idea that there is one, but I live my life quite fine embracing the reality that I experience. I was born Russian Orthodox, I was raised Born Again Christian. I didn't like how everyone would sing the same words together in church...because I hated the concept of not being original. It was very demonic to me, like a cult, and I could not identify with it. However I did pick up all the bible's lessons in Sunday school, and some of the ones that made sense, I adopted...like "treat others how you would like to be treated" (is that in there?). Later I got married and converted to Judaism for 10 years. After that divorce I experimented with Catholicism and I liked the charm of it. It felt very grand and well thought out. Unlike Christianity which seemed like it could take place in a trailer park, Catholicism almost always had a similar visible beauty in the different churches (if that's what their called). Ultimately I just don't feel drawn to religion mainly because it's mass dogma and I like to think for myself.
Given all the to-and-fro that happened here, I would really like to hear an update on what has gone on recently in your world. We identified some things as potentially problematic for you - it would be good to get a little "calibration" on what has and hasn't worked out for you so far.
Completely, it's just fallen under the category of "where do I begin?" :)
"At the beginning" would be my smartass answer. ;)
I am in the US right now running some errands.
Ok so, before I left, we scheduled to have a threesome.
TWO DAYS BEFORE
But two days before that, my SO wanted to go out to a nightclub, however I was a bit tired, so I let her go with our GF...I told her she can do whatever she wants with our "unicorn", to "have fun".
When she came home at 5am, she said she had a great time at the club, she enjoyed attention from guys but pushed away invitations, and that afterwards our GF/Unicorn and her and the GF/Unicorn's boyfriend of the moment (flavor of the week), went back to his place and got naked and did a threesome. She said as far as penetration he was too drunk to get hard but they all played with each other. I am not sure if she is lying to me to protect me, because I later asked if the BF had sex with our GF and she said yes as she watched and participated. Anyway, it didn't bother me at all that she played around and had a fun sexual experience. She was very relieved and I think surprised at my attitude.
THE DAY BEFORE
We then went to the beach with the GF and her BF, all 4 of us. While in the water, we all played with each other, just normal playing, then our GF (the Unicorn) took off all her bathing suit. We all got into it, but nothing really happened as my SO is still very embarrassed to go very far in public or show anything but monogamy in public. So we capped that off there for that day.
THE DAY OF
The threesome was cancelled because the Unicorn's younger sister had a facebook BF drama. I was deflated but it was a test from the God's is how I took it, part of destiny, what was necessary for what my SO and I are going through right now.
And then I went to the airport and I left for the US where I am writing this from. I'll write more about what has transpired here and there with her and I since than, which has been a little eventful and useful in building our emotional trust with each other, shortly...
Hey, look! Another penis is in the picture. :) I see you are comfortable with this man's energy. If I may ask, what sets him apart for you? What qualities in him would you potentially look for in a man for your OSOs?
A lot of tiny seemingly insignificant experiences, thoughts, and conversations, have transpired and I haven't had a chance to write, and right now I'm heading off to the beach with some girls, but I at least wanted to notate that this morning I was taking a shower with my SO and I said:
"come on in now, the water is not too hot, it's how you prefer it."
She said "But it's not hot enough for you?"
I said, "It's hot enough for me, but I like it more when it's even hotter. Just like you are enough for me, but I like more partners even better."
We've transitioned into allowing me some freedom to be open in the relationship, coupled with the openness to play and spend time together with others.
I realized this morning, that I am not monogamous, and that she is. And with that realization a lot is to follow. For one, my vision in life, is not monogamy, and hers is. This is a real point of clarity for me on the differences we have. There is a reason for my realization this morning, and it has to do with seeing other girls, and one experience in particular. I will have to save that for when I have a further moment to write however. But I learned that:
we are oriented towards what we believe we want to become.
Realising things about this are key to help us grow. Sometimes it is re-evaluating previously-held beliefs.
Realising that her being mono and you being not-mono is a big step, because it means that instead of trying to "convert her" to think like you do, you are shifting your focus towards accepting her for who she is, respecting her, and working on exploring whether she can accept you for the way you are.
My SO, has some how warmed up to things, and there have been a lot of fast developments happening...
At this point:
1) We've agreed that I can be free to connect with girls when I'm out, go on one date per week, and enjoy one 24 hour "date" per month.
2) And we are now "interviewing" girls for two open slots in our bedroom! :)
A lot of peace has been restored in our relationship, and yesterday my SO said she "feels in love" again. We had a jet-tub bubble bath last night, and while I was holding her I was imagining another special girl being in there with us, and I felt a lot of relief knowing that this is now finally coming. We've had a lot of stress on the relationship the last 4 months because I've changed, and there was ample resistance from her and ample pushing away by me.
There's been a lot of insecurity around whether or not we're getting married.
Three days ago, I mentioned to her that I am not interested in getting married legally unless it allows my independence financially and legally, and the ability to marry others.
Yesterday, I told her I would consider marrying her, if there was no legal ramifications (ie: prenup necessary), and if we were comfortably living with two more girls who would not be hurt by the idea.
Apparently two weeks ago she burned her wedding dress outside after one of our "fights". Last night she took me to where the ashes are on the ground.
A lot of her dreams have been vanquished and that has been hard for her. And I'm sitting on new dreams. I still think she is simply accepting my dreams, but she's been talking a lot about scenarios that describe M dreams, without me instigating it, and that has been pleasantly surprising. She's ready to live with other girls...so she says. I think if she could choose her own life, she'd choose monogamy, but her open mind lately has invited a lot of peace back into our relationship.
Update for October 28th, 2012: I'll try and fill in some details....
WHERE WE ARE NOW:
We are still together, though it's under new terms, as a new kind of relationship.
We've found a girl who wants to live with us. She'll be staying with us for 6 days as a trial. A necessary step since she is long distance. She will fly here this week, stay for 6 days, and towards the end of the stay we'll all know if it's going to work. I'll explain more about this new girl, we'll call her Pina(P for short), later.
I had asked my SO if she thought another girl, we'll call her Judy(J for short), was attractive to her and could be a candidate. She said yes, so I went ahead and proposed the situation to J, and J was skeptical but interested. After enough discussions, we had an initial meeting, just me and J, and talked about things, and she was really excited, interested in me and the way I want to live. However, at some point, after showing my SO more photos of J, my SO said that was not the girl she said was attractive, she was pointing out another girl in a photo. She actually finds J ugly. I had no idea and had already made significant progress with J. This created a distasteful rift between my SO and I because she had to now think about being in a "V" and she really wants a Triangle/Triad because News: My SO now says she feels like she can fall in love with a woman too and wants someone she can love and who is sexy to her :) Well, I continued to court this other girl, J, and in one meeting, met with her mom who was there. Turns out the girl lied to me. She said she was 20 years old. But she is 17. At that moment, two negatives hit me: 1) she lied 2) she couldn't be sexually liberated enough at 17 to have a clue what lifestyle I was proposing. However, after an hour of talking to the Mom and the mom talking to my SO on the phone, and me talking to J, the girl, J, said that her mom was uncomfortable with it, so the answer was "no". My SO was very happy to hear that J was now out of the equation.
One lesson I learned from that was, it's important the new girl be fiercely independent because it'll be an uphill battle to win approval from a Latin family for anything non-traditional. So in addition to my SO's now necessary criteria of SUPER SEXY (that's what she wants, I guess to get her excited), I also added FIERCELY INDEPENDENT.
In addition to the hunt for our new partner, I have also been dating. That's been a fun adventure, and has helped dispell some myths that I had previously imagined were reality about what particular women can be like. I was able to reflect my criterion on girls I've been meeting and I can see they have deeply rooted other beliefs which prevent them from lining up with what I need. That didn't stop me from having some nice romantic encounters however. :) There's been some sex, there's been some making out, and there's been some bummers. But it's been really easy to let prospects go, and that's new to me. In the past when I was dating, I tended to have a hard time letting candidates go, unless I forgot about them. But the actual letting go process was never really mastered. Now I am able to have the mature cutting off talk, deal with everything level headed, and send them on their merry way if need be.
SEARCH FOR NEW GIRL CONTINUED
I posted some tweets on twitter, openly looking around Central America for open minded, sexy, bisexual, independent girls, who are interested in a fun new lifestyle relationship. Yeah, I got no response. haha. However, my housekeeper saw the tweet, and said there was a girl in the city where she grew up (one of the larger cities here), who sounded like she fits the bill.
So I connected with P (Pina, named above) on Facebook, and within just a few sentences I quickly popped the situation about my SO and I looking for someone like her. She immediately said "Like Hugh Hefner?". Bingo. Apparently she's a big fan, loves the sound of a Playboy lifestyle, has playboy everything, watches all the shows. Later that evening she talked with my SO on the phone for 1 hour. My SO said she was worried about what people will think. P told her "Don't worry about what other people think." I felt like I had found my twin! This girl sounded awesome.
Over the next few days, we've texted, instant messenged, video chatted, talked on the phone for hours, several times a day, she calls me and my SO at different times of the day. She told my SO that she wants to become her best friend and do everything all together.
She does not need her family's approval. She wants to do this. And the way I proposed it, was that there would be a 3rd girl coming in at a future date too, and she was ok with all this even considering that. She has never played with a girl before, but she is open to it, and thinks it sounds sexy.
My SO is very excited actually, because this girl is extremely sexy, a 23-year old model with beautiful hair all the way down to her ass. I find her as sexy as any other sexy girl, but my SO and other girls find P very very sexy. Apparently she must be a girl's girl. One time when I was having sex with my SO, my SO started screaming out P's name, and is just dying to have her move in with us. Haha, and no, it wasn't because sex with me was so bad that she wanted P instead! lol She said she wants me to have sex with P while P licks her, and she imagines all kinds of threeway play. Remember, she's had a few threesomes since I introduced the idea to her, but I still have not had one. So she really wants to get some going again because she's tasted it before and loves it. Me, I don't know what I'm missing yet. But I'm more interested in the relationships for love, than sex. Sex will be fun, but I look forward to being in love with both girls, and doing everything together, and making each other happy.
So I'm very happy to have found someone we both like, and who likes us both. It's going to be fun having this upcoming 6 day adventure.
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