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-   -   Finding a new relationship discreetly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2832)

whoKnows 05-23-2010 07:40 PM

Finding a new relationship discreetly
 
I have been married for just over a year to a girl who is poly, I've known this since we met, I am Mono & fine with that for now.

My wife has always had lovers who she would see infrequently, once every 3-6 months. We've also experimented with her having one night stands but that didn't work out.

We have a clear set of rules to follow when my wife has another person in her life but right now she does not have any lovers. So we're going through a transition period, the problem is that she has been going out once or twice a week looking to meet another guy, this is killing me. She goes out dances, flirts & gets numbers from guys she's interested in, never sleeps with them. Then she will keep in contact with them to see if anything develops. So far after 4 months of this no one has measured up.

I am not comfortable with this method of looking for someone, we try to be discreet when it comes to our relationship but this is leaving a trail where more people are starting to see that we live this life.

What my wife wants is someone she can have a very casual relationship with, probably meeting once a month, I don't want her to find this in a bar. Are there any other avenues to help her with her quest?

CielDuMatin 05-23-2010 08:53 PM

Well, I'm not sure where you live, but you might want to see if you have some sort of active poly group on your area. Most poly folk aren't fully "out" to either family or work, and so understand the need not to be walking around with a neon sign over their heads. They would also be a group that you wouldn't have to explain the concept of polyamory to.

rubyfish 05-23-2010 09:46 PM

I've had very good luck with Okcupid. It's certainly possible to make a profile that will attract people without it being obvious that it's you. I've seen a lot of poly people with profiles that didn't include a picture or had pictures without full faces. And you can be totally upfront about what sort of relationship you want and actually find someone else that wants the same thing.

SchrodingersCat 05-25-2010 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoKnows (Post 30511)
I have been married for just over a year to a girl who is poly, I've known this since we met, I am Mono & fine with that for now.

When you say "fine with that for now" do you mean that you're mono now and you might explore poly later? Or do you mean that you're fine, for now, with your wife being poly?

Just to clarify, because the former is cool, the latter is dangerous. Your wife told you she was poly from the get-go, and if you one day decide that you're not ok with it, you can't expect her to change.

Quote:

We have a clear set of rules to follow when my wife has another person in her life but right now she does not have any lovers. So we're going through a transition period, the problem is that she has been going out once or twice a week looking to meet another guy, this is killing me. She goes out dances, flirts & gets numbers from guys she's interested in, never sleeps with them. Then she will keep in contact with them to see if anything develops. So far after 4 months of this no one has measured up.
I suspect she has always looked for guys this way, not just since meeting you. You may not approve, but it's who she is and what she does. If you try to change that, then what you're saying is you don't accept her the way she is, and you want her to change who she is in order to be more compatible with you. Does that really sound fair to you?

Quote:

What my wife wants is someone she can have a very casual relationship with, probably meeting once a month, I don't want her to find this in a bar.
I can empathize with this, I really can. When we started exploring non-monogamy soon after getting married and establishing our relationship on solid ground, my husband expressed a desire to pick up random girls at the bar and fuck them. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I tried to be supportive. But what got to me was the health risks of fucking random people without establishing sexual history. I also felt that I would be more comfortable if I met them first. He said, we would use condoms. I said, well damn right you would. But condoms can break, and even when they don't, there are things they don't protect against. Since my husband and I don't use condoms, that all puts me at an increased risk. I effectively vetoed the "picking up random chicks at bars" idea, in favour of establishing semi-regular fuck-friends to meet his desire for meaningless, casual sex.

Quote:

Are there any other avenues to help her with her quest?
How did you meet your wife in the first place? If it worked once, maybe it would work again?

whoKnows 05-25-2010 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 30645)
Just to clarify, because the former is cool, the latter is dangerous. Your wife told you she was poly from the get-go, and if you one day decide that you're not ok with it, you can't expect her to change.

It's the former, I am open to having a poly relationship in the future, it's just not a necessity or even a want right now. I will always accept that my wife is Poly.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 30645)
I suspect she has always looked for guys this way, not just since meeting you. You may not approve, but it's who she is and what she does. If you try to change that, then what you're saying is you don't accept her the way she is, and you want her to change who she is in order to be more compatible with you. Does that really sound fair to you?

I agree, we talked this through & I discovered it's not actually the way she goes about meeting guys, it's more about how discreet it is. We agreed new rules to allow her to continue being who she is, but doing it more discreetly.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 30645)
How did you meet your wife in the first place? If it worked once, maybe it would work again?

We actually met in a bar, so I guess it would be hypocritical to say she can't do that anymore! As I mentioned above though we've talked this through again & made some new rules which give her the freedom she desires but also allows me to be completely comfortable with our arrangements :)

SchrodingersCat 05-25-2010 03:48 AM

You have valid concerns about wanting to keep your private life safe.

I'm not surprised that she's looking for men in the same place she met you. People stick with what they know and with what works.

Good to hear that you've found a way that makes you both comfortable.

Would you be willing to share what compromise you found, to help others in a similar situation?

whoKnows 05-25-2010 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 30654)
You have valid concerns about wanting to keep your private life safe.

I'm not surprised that she's looking for men in the same place she met you. People stick with what they know and with what works.

Good to hear that you've found a way that makes you both comfortable.

Would you be willing to share what compromise you found, to help others in a similar situation?

As a little bit of background, my wife likes the thrill of the chase & that's why it would be wrong for me to take away the idea of her hooking up with guys in a bar. To me my wife is the most beautiful girl in the world & I'm not sure how she ended up with me :) But the guys she goes for are not players, they tend to be the geeky guys who are too shy to approach girls. She likes that attention but she also has a beautiful heart & likes to bring something new to their lives, make them a little bit more confident.

Our agreement in the end was something like this -

-No hook ups with anyone in any of the bars in our local area. We put a 20 mile radius on our house, as a no play zone :)

-We agreed to being able to go out & hook up with someone once a month, that way it's known beforehand so that we don't stress about it every time one of us is out.

-We are going to try the idea of meeting people online, but I suspect this isn't a solution

-When we hang out with friends/family etc. we give the impression we are Monogamous

Plus some of the usual rules -

-No hook ups during times when we are arguing
-Safe sex
-No past boyfriends/girlfriends

I think that's about it, are rules are always fluid & we tend to re-visit them every few months to see how things are going.

CielDuMatin 05-25-2010 07:46 PM

Maybe it's a terminology thing, but you use the word "hook-ups" and this makes it sound very casual, and short-term - is that the case? What about falling in love with the people you meet? Is that allowed/desired?

idealist 05-26-2010 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoKnows (Post 30701)
-No past boyfriends/girlfriends

I'm sure you have your reasoning for that rule, but just wanted to share that I have 3 male lovers and they are all guys I have been involved with in the past....all of them were mono relationships which lasted about 3 years each. They didn't work for us as mono, but are working fine as poly. Just a thought......

redpepper 05-27-2010 04:35 AM

Wow, that is so cool to me that you have this arrangement down to a tee. I'm impressed. This is something I never considered before.

When I was in high school this was my gig too... fucking geeky boys because no one else would. I loved teaching them, controlling them with my body and showing them that some girls find them sexy... I loved that I was admired and that they were grateful. It is completely a fetish of mine to this day... ;)

I'm so pleased that this is working for you... I would be concerned about the safety factor especially with one night stands. Especially where alcohol is concerned too. Hmmm... the discrete issue too.


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