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-   -   Attachment and longing (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28283)

birdpowers 09-08-2012 12:58 PM

Attachment and longing
Hello everyone, here is my dilemma:
I met this couple through a woman I was dating. Great people, alternative lifestyles, free spirited, loving, awesome children...I basically fell in love with the whole family. At first it was just total admiration and love towards them.

I started hanging out with the "husband", for lack of a better word, and we became really good friends, and to this day we work together and co-conspire on several different projects together. I also was spending quite a bit of time with the whole family, having dinner, hanging out, just having a great time.

One day on the way to a job, "Man" I will call him, told me that "Woman" wanted to get cuddly with me. Long story short, that's when I discovered they were polyamorous, and It wasn't long before there was much flirtation, and wonderful conversations about Love and all that it entails.

It has been a month or so since Woman and I, with loving permission from Man, have been seeing each other, and I am discovering that I am very vulnerable in this situation. I love them both VERY much, and we all get along super good, and have become a family, excepting they live together, and I live separate (with my own kids). There's no jealousy what so ever, but the problem I'm having is wanting to be with her more, like a typical girlfriend, and it just can't work out that way. I don't begrudge them there time together as a family, and I understand their relationship is inherently different because they have kids together and live together, but I long to have the same thing! It's hard because I'm in love with them both, but I'm having a physical relationship with Woman, and I'm feeling very attached. I guess that's the problem, my attachment? Also, whenever I express my vulnerability to Woman, she backs away, and it really hurts. I want to continue our relationship together, but I feel the need to somehow let go of my attachment to her as a "girlfriend", and just let it be what it is.

I welcome any encouragement, advise, or whatever that will possibly help open my heart up further so that I can enjoy this beautiful situation, and these beautiful people. Thanks for listening!

AnnabelMore 09-08-2012 02:37 PM

Your story is very similar to mine, so maybe you'll find some useful thoughts on my blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4540

I also highly recommend this site, especially this section: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

How long has it been since you and the woman became involved? If this is a relatively recent development I can see why she's afraid to let things get too attached. That said, I'd be worried if things stayed like that indefinitely. Feelings happens and you need to be allowed to feel how you feel. If it's been a while, and you really feel stifled, I might try explaining to her, "Hey, I'm an emotional person, and I really care about you and your family. Sometimes I I need to express that in order to feel comfortable and to let go of my worries. It's not about me trying to make our relationship into something it's not, I no and accept that we have limited time and resources for each other. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I hope we can get to a point where you are okay with hearing those kinds of things from me now and then, because right now it seems like it upsets you. Am I right about that? Can you tell me what it is exactly that worries you about it?"

On the other hand, if things are still pretty new, ANY person who's still figuring out how they feel about a new partner might get uneasy hearing gobs of emotional processing and vulnerability. So, I guess it's up to you to figure out where this relationship is and where you want it to go. Have you and she ever had that kind of conversation? Is this a purely casual thing in her mind or could it get more serious with time?

It's certainly possible to develop something serious with someone who's married with children, especially in a situation like yours where you get along well with her spouse and children. For me, it's been a matter of showing that I'm willing to "put in" as much energy as I "take out" from my partner's already overwhelming life. I babysit, I help with projects she's working on, I respect her limited time by making an effort to be part of her life and understanding that it's going to be more rare that she can reciprocate and be a part of mine in the same way. It's not always easy, but I've found that for me, with this woman, it's well worth it.

I would encourage you to open yourself fully to the idea of finding another partner(s). Whether it's casual flings or is something that becomes more serious, it can be very helpful and affirming to be reminded that you deserve and can have more then the limited time and attention you can get from someone who's already partnered. You can do this while being up front about the fact that you're already in a poly relationship with someone else that you're not planning to leave. This may require you to do some educating of your new partners about what poly is, but people can and do accept it, as in the case of my bf.

Good luck, and feel free to ask more questions or seek more feedback!

EDIT: Ah, I looked again and saw that it's only been a month. Sorry, for not reading more carefully. Yeah, that might be a little soon in any relationship in the getting too emotional/attached. But you do have the right to know what she thinks might be possible down the line.

nycindie 09-08-2012 09:53 PM

One of the things I strive for in my relationships is loving without attachment. I, and others, wrote about attachment in this thread:

Attachment in secondary 'ships

Maybe you will find it helpful!

bingshari 09-10-2012 12:07 AM

Hi! Your situation is both different and similar to mine. What I can advise is to give things time and keep the lines of communication open. Maybe find out where your GF is at...how is she feeling...does she ever envision or want more time with you? I believe in always being open and honest, but you might want to tell her your feelings with a caveat...like "I don't expect you to feel the exact same way but I wanted to share with you what is going on in my head". Love can be tricky and sometimes painful. I have so far experienced that it is very hard to get all the time you want with a secondary, and there is a lot of negotiating and compromising. Most of all...give things time. With time things come into perspective.

Best of luck!

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