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-   -   keep relationships running smoothly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2827)

Breathesgirl 05-22-2010 09:53 PM

keep relationships running smoothly

I've been here.

Breathes' first other relationship after we got together was with a lady (using the term loosely) whom I tried to get to know and like. Unfortunately the longer I was in his life without showing signs of capitulating the more walls she put up so that I couldn't get close to her, hoping that the more walls she put up I would eventually be pushed out. It didn't work. I'm still here, they're still friends just without the benefits.

He's got another lady he's interested in but their schedules aren't working in their favor right now. I don't know her well enough to form an opinion yet.

Possibility (and his partners) and Breathes get along great! They play D&D together, we all watch movies together, we can all talk about just about anything together. I like his primary partners & they like me.

Of the two relationships outlined this last one is the one much preferedby me. It makes my life a whole lot easier because they DO like each other. We enrich each other's lives in ways which wouldn't have been possible if we didn't have this kind of relationship.

What say the rest of you?

ksandra 05-22-2010 11:29 PM

I like the kind where everyone gets along and can hang out, or at least recognize the other partners and accept them without feeling the need to belittle them or put up walls. Having said that, I usually try not to talk about one partner when I am with the other partner unless they ask and even then I keep any personal information to myself. Mine don't really talk on their own, one of them is having some jealousy issues and the other one is still very new in my life and I haven't really asked him about whether he wants to get to know my other partner. On the couple of occasions when they've run into each other they're always polite but it would be awesome if they had a connection like yours do.

Breathesgirl 05-22-2010 11:35 PM

It is awesome & I'm glad it is that way. I don't think I could do it if they couldn't be friends.

redpepper 05-23-2010 05:52 AM

For me it is very important that my partners get along with each other. Even better if they care about each other. After all they have invested in me and I in them. That is strengthened when my partners care about each other.

I realize that this is a high standard of expectation, but I don't generally bother with good when I can achieve best/great anymore. I learned the hard way that there is nothing of worth that comes out of good relationships, just the knowledge that best/great is what is more preferable to obtain. Well, I did that and know that and now am more inclined to not bother with partners that are not going to get along with who I am already with.

Danny40179 05-23-2010 02:22 PM

Agreeing with everyone else on this one. I would imagine that things would be much better if everyone got along. To me that shows a sign of respect that is absolutely necessary in this lifestyle.

CielDuMatin 05-23-2010 06:44 PM

Total agreement - the better that everyone gets along and can establish healthy means of communication, the less the whole dynamic relies on "people in the middle" relaying messages and trying to find middle ground or good solutions.

When there is a friendship, then things can happen that show more synergy than compromise.

saudade 05-23-2010 11:32 PM

My Experiences & Ideas
Personal History:
My first attempt at poly was before I found Xeromag... I spent two years in a vee with a cat and a dog, and closed doors, because one partner couldn't imagine talking to the other, let alone hanging out or friendship or cohabitation. It took me a long time, but I grew wiser. I broke off both relationships because they'd become unhealthy (both for poly reasons and others), and learned more about poly, and tried again with new loves who were prepared to try.

Now I cohouse, and most of my romantic/sexual relationships are under one roof, and most of their loves too (plus a bunch of platonic friends). Most of us were part of the same circle of college friends, and those that weren't have been welcomed into the fold-- not without effort, but we're trying.

That said, my thoughts on the topic:
It sounds so straightforward in Franklin V's Xeromag article. If Z isn't going to get along with X and Y, stick with X and Y! In my experience, it's rarely that straightforward... I don't actually know yet how Z and X are going to get along; maybe they've never met. Even though Y and Z know each other, we've never been in this dynamic before. Hell, I don't know how I'm going to fit with Z yet! What happens when we all give it a try, and six months later Z and I are doing swell, and Z and X like each other well enough, but Y and Z are glaring?

What I say should happen: we keep trying, as long as we're all willing. We talk about what's not working. We find what we do have in common, and find ways of appreciating each other. In time, I see that side of my girlfriend's boyfriend that makes her want to keep him around, and I learn to respect him, and I call him out on his crappy behavior and he chews me out over mine, and we learn to share her, because that's what matters.

I've found love to be hard work, building a castle stone by stone over years. I don't think it's any less true of metamours... You all commit to working on it together.

What say you?

SchrodingersCat 05-24-2010 06:44 AM

In a perfect world, I would definitely want my partners to know each other and get along, maybe even be friends. But in the real world, with our situation, that's less than practical.

My husband works out of town and is only home for a few days every month. My own decision was that I wanted to "dedicate" this time to him as much as possible, since we have so little time to see each other and spend together. So this isn't a "restriction on other relationships" so much as it is a "need of our own relationship" as perceived by myself. i.e. in order for a marriage to work, you have to spend some us-time together every now and then :)

So he probably won't meet any of my other future-partners until there's something somewhat established and I deem it "worth his time" out of his limited home-time for the three of us to have a coffee.

But my husband and I talk daily on the phone, so he always knows if I'm going on a date or when I start chatting a lot with someone online. If things started getting serious with someone, I would ask my husband if he wanted to talk to that person on the phone. I rather suspect he wouldn't, just because his work schedule is very "work, eat, sleep, repeat" and I can't imagine him chatting it up with a total stranger just because his wife is dating them.

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