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Qpmomma 09-07-2012 03:07 PM

Need advice
Hello! I am new here, but not really new to the poly lifestyle.

My history: I am a female and I have always been sexually attracted to men and women. It feels natural to me and I'm not ashamed of it at all. In college I was in a relationship with a guy who was really supportive of me exploring my sexuality. It wasn't for his benefit, he really wanted me to be happy. So I started dating another bi chick and I was so happy.

After college my girlfriend decided to move out of state and we ened our relationship. I havn't dated a girl since. I really believe I was falling in love with her.

Fastforward 5 years I met my now husband. He is strictly mono. I knew this when we met. Here's part of my issue: I have never told him I am attracted to women. I now know I should have been honest from the start. I thought I would be ok with only having a man. We've been married for 4 years and I do love him dearly. We have a 2yr old together.

About a a year and half ago I met Pan. At first we were friends and we hung out a lot. She is a lesbian. She knows about my past and true sexuality. I thought we could just be friends, but here latley I have deeloped a crush pn her. She has also hinted she feels the same way about me. She is awesome and soo freaking cute!

Here's my problem: my husband has no clue I am bi. I am afraid to tell him now b/c I don't know how he will react. Regardless of wether I can have a relationship with Pan I feel the need to be honest with my husband. I am not willing to leave my husband for her. We have too much history, responsibility, and love. I really regret not being honest with him at the beginning.

I don't know what to do. I did tell Pan we cannot hang out alone for a while b/c I am really attracted to her. Do I tell my husband or so I stop my friendship now and be more careful in the future with women?

Vinccenzo 09-07-2012 03:12 PM

You should talk to your husband for sure. Its odd you would hide aspects of who you are from the person you're building a life with and then share those hidden things with others. Do you see how that sharing of secrets might create an atmosphere of attraction the way people who end up in affairs often do? Then you have to wonder how much of the growing attraction is due to the secrecy you don't have to maintain with Pan and how much of it is based on real compatibility.
Nip it in the bud by eliminating the secrecy.

Qpmomma 09-07-2012 03:24 PM

I know. When my husband and i first started dating he was very straight laced. Part of me thought my experience in college was a one time deal and I lied to myself and lied to him in the process.

I say I have a crush on Pan b/c I often wonder if my feelings for her are distorted. I do feel like I am cheating my husband out of a better relationship with me b/c I shared something with someone else and not with him.

I just don't know how to bring it up. "oh hey, I never told you this in the past 6 years, but I'm bi" ???

Vinccenzo 09-07-2012 04:31 PM

Try looking at it as choosing between skydiving and bungee jumping. Not much difference between either fear facing activity.

Tell hubby all probably does = scary and what's that going to bring? and a whole lot of questions you don't look forward to answering.


Continuing on with an association that might well be partially fueled by a forbidden fruit element can also lead to fear of what that brings and a whole lot of questions you don't look forward to.
So really you ARE there and its spill all time either way. At least if you deal in honesty you can be proud of yourself no matter what the outcome. If you don't deal in honesty you will just have what ever happens with less reason to be proud of yourself.

snowmelt 09-07-2012 05:43 PM


Originally Posted by Qpmomma (Post 153428)
I know. When my husband and i first started dating he was very straight laced. Part of me thought my experience in college was a one time deal and I lied to myself and lied to him in the process.

Is there a part of you that assumes other people won't accept you for who you are?


Originally Posted by Qpmomma (Post 153428)
I just don't know how to bring it up. "oh hey, I never told you this in the past 6 years, but I'm bi" ???

You can be a little softer about it if you want, but no matter how you say it, he will know this is exactly what you are saying.

You had time to get to know Pan, so you knew she would accept your sexuality before you told her. You never talked to your husband about it, so he doesn't know. It sounds to me like you want to make sure someone will accept something about you before you are willing to tell them what that something is. If this is true, this is the real issue.

I know you are worried about how telling your husband will change your relationship with him. The change is already happening in some ways.The emotional connection you have with Pan is already changing you. That means that connection with her is already changing the relationship you have with your husband. He may have already noticed a change in you. The best thing to do is tell him.

Skater21 09-07-2012 07:56 PM

I agree, it is time to come clean. Be strong, be supportive and be ready for it to be a shock to him. You may find that once it is all out in the open, he is more open to your needs than you are giving him credit for.

GalaGirl 09-08-2012 05:34 AM

I'm not entirely clear.

Are you are crushing from afar and the woman doesn't even know and you just suspect she crushes back?

Or actually TOLD the woman of your crush and it's now an emotional affair because she CONFIRMED she crushes too and you are all loveydovey with each other?

Either way -- just get it over with and come clean with your husband. You did a lie of omission not telling at the start about your bisexuality and now you are compounding it with the pseudo GF.

He has the right to know.

Apologize for the lie of omission, ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make ammends.

If your emotional intimacy with your spouse is tight AND you have tight friendships, that's one thing. But it is not fair to practice emotional intimacy with other people while you deny your own husband the same opportunity to be emotionally closer to you. What is he? Chopped liver?

We have too much history, responsibility, and love. I really regret not being honest with him at the beginning.
If this is the case, then take steps to get back into right relationship with him NOW. No time like the present.


cuninglingwist 09-08-2012 10:14 PM

Listen to the voice of experiance
DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND! if you do your world will collapse under your feet, I hate to say this because I adore bisexual females I think your so honest about your bi-sexuallity, plus to me its as natural and normal for a female to want to enjoy another female as much as a man does, its only hateful religious inspired society that looks down on it, plus strait couples, and singles especially strait closed minded men. Your biggest mystake was marrying him without telling him upfront, that you can be attracted and have oral needs for other females, at least he would have had a chance to reject you, or say he would be happy to share her with you, (would you have gone for that)? but not telling him, knowing he is up tight oh man! I have known a couple of beautiful bi- girls, each married the most hansome man they ever met, they were in love. At different times I met them for lunch, one before she got married, one after, I asked the one before if she had told him she was bifemale, she said OMG I carnt do it right now, im planning on telling him after we get married, he will be more understanding. (they never are) four months went by they were so happy, she was a good wife to him,she tried renting films with bifemale senes in them and he would blow up, saying turn that shit off, what did you buy that for, he was realy closed minded, after a wonderful night she decided to ask him what would you do if you found out I was bifemale, he jumped up, started screaming at her calling her a fraud, within a week he had asked the church for an annulment. the second Bif already had a girlfriend waiting in the wings, although she adored him she was drawn to her girlfriend so much she took a chance, he came home early and found them both sleeping naked and exausted, he went biserk, threw her cloths out the door, called both parents and all his friends saying he married a lesbian (she wasent)
but this is what happens to closed minded men when you dont make the disclosure before marriage, they go crazy! so Hon you better be carful or he might throw you out and claim the baby, and you being looked at as a fraud by the court and a unfit mother, it happens in this day and age of prosicutors that see themselves as religious (spanish inquisitioners) if it was me! your girl would be part of the houshold where you could have each other anytime you wanted, as long as we all agreed we could both enjoy having you or her together, as in a threesome, but not every body is like me. If you want to talk privatly off hear, if you need someone to talk to thats ok, just send me a PM.

Icewraithonyx 09-09-2012 05:09 PM

I would encourage telling him as gently as possible. As you said, you thought it was just a phase earlier and have recently realized that you were lying to yourself as well as him. If you continue to conceal it from this point, it becomes a lie of omission rather than self ignorance. As the "rather straight-laced" (as she puts it) husband of a wife who discovered she was bi after we were married, I have to say that concealing things makes just about everything worse. And he may surprise you by being more understanding than you fear.

Faeryseduction 09-09-2012 06:31 PM

Everyone's experience with going through revealing the truth about themselves is different. I was very fortunate in that my husband suspected I was bi before I totally opened up about it and before we were married. I don't know that you will have the horrifying collapse of your marriage described by cuninlingwist, you will have your own experience based on your own marriage. You might gently test the waters by asking him his opinion of bisexual women and then seek to find out how he feels about bi women who have more than one partner. I do think you need to be honest either way. You also have to be prepared for whatever reaction he might have. You might need to consider what you will do if he reacts badly. I would approach it from a standpoint of negotiating the best outcome for all three of you - you, him, the baby. I wish you the very best of luck.

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