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-   -   My Song (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2821)

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:38 AM

My Song
Okay... how did I get to this point of suddenly finding myself in a polyamorous relationship? Hmmmm... where to begin... I suppose the beginning.

I am now 40 years old, but when I was 17 I met the most amazingly beautiful person I have ever seen on this planet in my lifetime. We fell madly in love instantly and on our first date I asked her to marry me. Crazy eh? Well 23 years later I am just as in love with her... but something happened back then... crazy things that, after just a few short months, led us apart for 20 years. During that time I got married to someone else and lived in a miserable relationship. Pretty much miserable from early on and I unfortunately made the mistake of getting married to her. I have learned from that experience that some people are just miserable and you can't do anything to make them happy no matter how hard you try. Believe me I really tried. Needless to say after years of trying it eventually crumbled. I remember talking to my father and telling him that I had to get out. We'd been in marriage counseling, twice actually, and I realized the thing I needed to learn from that was that there was no future in that relationship, and that it was okay. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. My father brought up that girl from years before and I told him how stupid I was and he told me that I should try to find out what happened to her because he really thought we would get married. It was the last thing my father and I talked about. My father came down with pneumonia the next day and I never talked to him again. After a few weeks in the hospital he died. I was sad, but incredibly grateful. I was grateful for the 11 years I had in my adult life to make amends with my father as we had a strained relationship during my childhood. He had battled serious alcoholism but had overcome it. He believed that anyone could make amends and was really good at forgiveness. His tombstone reads "His greatest joy in life was helping others." That's why I'm writing this. So that maybe someone will find some help from my story.

For 9 months after my father died I practiced daily gratitude and strange things started to happen. I won't go into too much detail... but it was magical... things just started to all fall into place... total synchronicity... and it led me all the way up to finding that woman who I had fallen madly in love with when I was 17. It was amazing. I didn't know what to think... but I just had to tell her that I had loved her ever since we were kids. I never wavered... my love for her was as pure and as endless as love could be. I didn't expect anything back from her. I just wanted to tell her that. Turns out, she loved me too, and never forgot me, and a year later we were married. Beautiful love story, no?


singtoher 05-21-2010 03:39 AM

My song... part 2
I had been primarily a poet when I first met my wife at age 17 and she inspired what I had always considered my greatest poem. A fifty page epic. After we split up I turned to music. But I didn't write it, didn't write lyrics, didn't write poetry. My muse was gone. My creativity dried up and I spent 20 years playing other people's music. When I found her again I had a massive resurgence of creativity and wrote her all kinds of music and poetry. Tons of it. That is the reason for my user name on this site. I sing to her.

During our year long courtship, my, now wife, explained that she wanted an open relationship. I never wanted to hold her back and felt she deserved all the love she could get. She was open and honest about her bisexuality. I was open and honest that I just loved her, I always had and always would. I had limited sexual experience and had always been monogamous. I'd only had sex with 3 women in my life. But I accepted who she was. I asked that at least she could not take another man... just my thing I suppose... but I was fine with her being sexually active with other women. Or was I?

About 5 months after our marriage my wife and another women who had been friends/work associates and I started hanging out a bit. This other woman was lesbian. I really liked her a lot. Brilliant beautiful spirit. During these times hanging out it became obvious that this woman was in love with my wife. And I soon realized that my wife was in love with her. The way my wife talked about her it was obvious. The way she agonized over missing her when she was with me. I thought it was sweet and lovely. I told this other woman one night, rather an inebriated evening actually, that I knew my wife loved her and that we had an open relationship and I was fine with it. But this other woman hadn't confessed this to my wife. Until...

We hadn't taken a proper honeymoon after our marriage. We wanted to get married on a specific date, and money and time was a factor. So we were going to go on our honeymoon some six months afterwards. But, prior to going, this other woman told my wife that she had to see her, she had to talk to her. I knew what it was. They went out and sure enough this other woman confessed to my wife that she loved her. Not surprising at all to me. They then made plans for a weekend getaway after we got back from our honeymoon.

So a couple of days later we left on our honeymoon. And it turned out to be very hard. There were some really sweet moments for sure but my wife was in the middle of what I now realize was NRE... and missing this woman. I was bottling myself up about it. My wife and I due to some unexpected financial issues found ourselves with little money and we argued quite a bit about it on our honeymoon. My wife stated that she wished this woman could have come with us and seemed way more excited about her weekend getaway than being with me on our honeymoon. And I sat around wishing that I could say something, but not wanting to get in the way of her love. My wife was talking to this woman and chatting her up on the Internet while I would sit in bed alone. I felt miserable and alone and broke and worthless. I felt like I should have been paying for everything and that my wife was saving her money for her weekend getaway rather than help out with our honeymoon expenses. Our electricity was cut off while we were gone. But during our last day, my wife spared no expense, and we had an absolutely beautiful day. She got us massages and a beautiful dinner on the beach. We took a sweet boat tour around the sea. We had started reading to each other, Love In The Time of Cholera. We always loved to read to each other even as kids. All that beauty returned.

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:40 AM

My song... part 3
We flew home being in a state of bliss. We came home to a dark house. We sat around all day reading to each other, obsessed with the writing style of Gabriel García Márquez. As night fell, we lit candles, as it was the weekend and it would take a while before our electricity could be turned back on. Then my wife told me that this other woman was going to drop off our house keys, as she had been taking care of our house while we were gone. We sat out on the back porch, the three of us, talking. I felt like the third wheel and after about an hour or so it dawned on me that this woman wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So I got up and left them alone. Pretty rude of me really... but I'm sorry to say nowhere near as rude as I would become.

The next weekend they left for their weekend getaway. I hadn't let my feelings about the situation be known at all, but I was feeling very lonely about it. I am leaving out a huge dynamic in this story, a lot of dynamics really, but in the interest of brevity I will leave it all out. But there was a whole other dynamic that was weighing on me terribly. I tried to let it go and not say anything about how I was feeling. I focused on just enjoying my time apart from my wife. Even went to a bluegrass festival. But on the morning they were to return from their trip I composed a long scathing e-mail addressing all of my unspoken emotions. That's what happens when you keep things bottled up. The bottle eventually explodes from the pressure. I really don't recommend doing that.
This led to my wife trying to cut off her emotions for this woman. Feeling like she was being restricted in her love after she had been so up front with me about it. It led to me feeling so very hurt and on top of it feeling like I was doing the one thing I never wanted to do to my wife; to keep her from being as free as humanly possible, to keep her from love. I told her a number of times that she was free to go do what she wanted. But it didn't really matter.
Part of the situation was that this other woman was a lesbian and I felt like I had no place in their relationship. This was an important part to my wife as well, I've now come to understand. She wanted both of us, together, not individually. I didn't understand that then. Another part of the situation was that I felt it had taken away something from between my wife and I. Time for one thing.

Well, my wife stayed friends with this woman, and this woman suffered in her deep love for my wife, while my wife maintained a professional and friendly relationship with her. I resented this woman. I was angry that she couldn't have waited until after our honeymoon to talk to my wife. I was angry at the sound of her name, her mere presence. It made me physically ill. But I really liked her, I understood her. I understood why she would love my wife the way she did. We had so many shared life paths and she was also coming out of a very long miserable marriage to a man she married when extremely young, before she had found her lesbian identity. And after a while, I decided to just take that energy and turn it around. I decided that I was going to just open up and be friends with her... a friendship I always knew was possible because she was really really truly a beautiful spirit. A strange thing happened then.
We did become close. She had a dream that she was bit by a snake and I was the one that was there for her. I soothed her with my music in her dream. We talked more and more and I became completely at ease with her. I had turned all that negative energy completely around.

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:41 AM

My song... part 4
One day while over at our house I asked her about this thing she does called reiki. I didn't really know what it was but was curious and she set up an appointment with me. I went over and she asked me what kind of music I wanted to hear. I told her "Whatever, let your iPod play on random if you want because the universe speaks to me through music." The session was marvelous. Made me so high. This woman, who I will now refer to as goddess #2(g#2 for short), had the most incredible touch. I lfeft there that night in a state of bliss. I walked out to my truck, turned on the radio and said, "Ok Universe, what have you got to say to me now?" It was the tail end of a commercial and some talk and I laughed about that... but then... I should explain that my wife, goddess #1, is a MAJOR Beatles fan... and has turned me into one as well. That part of the story is a whole other amazing thing... but I'll skip it for now. Back to it... BUT THEN... after the commercial talk, the music started... "All You Need Is Love"... and I cried tears of joy as it played all the way back to my house. I walked in and told my wife... I was crying from sheer bliss.

I went back a couple of weeks later for reiki session #2 with g#2. It hit me, and I later found out hit her too, as soon as she opened up the door, a rush through my blood leaving. G#2 was so beautiful to me and our relationship was turning into something else. I had played her "Dear Prudence" on the mandolin one time as payment for the first reiki session and this time I sat on her reiki table and played her "You Are My Sunshine" on the guitar. She squatted on the floor looking up at me in total love and I could feel it. The whole reiki session I felt so uncomfortable with this somewhat instant change. I was nervous and feeling guilty. I hugged her goodbye and walked out of the house feeling like I had just cheated on my wife. I said to myself, "This is what those guys do.. those guys that go see their lovers and go home to their wives lying about it." I was really uncomfortable about it.

I knew I couldn't go back for anymore of those sessions. I tried to talk to my wife about it as best as I could. I explained to her that I couldn't go back. I explained to her how I was feeling about g#2... I explained a few more things I thought too... but apparently, I would later find out I wasn't that clear about it. Sometimes things have to be re-said because the intended audience isn't totally aware. When I told my wife she got a bit angry and felt like g#2 was just using me to get to her. I was really hurt and felt like maybe she was right.

I eventually talked to g#2 and told her how I felt and why I couldn't go back. It took me two weeks to actually talk to her. After the conversation with my wife I just wanted to go hide in a cave somewhere. Focus all of my attention on her. But my wife was also making a bigger commitment to this woman in a business sense as they came together in a partnership. Co-owners of a sort... not wanting to give a whole lot of details around that but... that's enough I think.
One day I ran into g#2 and she was with this other woman. I called my wife and mentioned that I ran into g#2 and that I thought she was out on a date. My wife denied it... "She isn't like that." "She wouldn't do that." "She HAS friends!" I kind of laughed but left it alone. I knew my wife was a bit jealous at the thought.

About a week later we were all hanging out... things had chilled a bit... and then g#2 mentioned that she had had sex with another woman. Again there's a dynamic I'm leaving out, but my wife was incensed and started making all these justifications about why it was wrong... g#2 was laughing a bit about it... somewhat surprised by my wife's reaction since she had basically accepted that my wife didn't have feelings for her anymore. I on the other hand thought it was so funny I had to walk into the other room so I wouldn't bust out laughing. But laugh I did while I was sitting in the other room.

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:42 AM

My song... part 5
Perhaps a week after that, my wife was coming to terms with her feelings... feelings I had forced her to stuff. I should back up a little bit and say that I had been working from home and then was laid off and so recently before this I had started working out of the house. I was gone from the house and missing my wife SOOO badly every day. She is truly my goddess number 1. My wife decided to ask g#2 over to the house to discuss how she was feeling. I was starving missing my wife at work. The two of them talked, and then got a bit hot and heavy. My wife said to g#2 "what about..." her husband, that would be me, and g#2 responded "Please, he wants to f*ck me too." This was a Tuesday.
I came home, not sure if it was that night or the night after, and found them sitting in my bedroom talking pretty seriously. I didn't really think too much of it really... just kissed my wife and the two of them left shortly afterwards to go do some work. My wife mentioned to me on one of those evenings that we were going to take g#2 out that weekend. I knew g#2 had been going through a hard time with, yes another dynamic I'm leaving out. So while I really wanted to spend some quality alone time with my wife I just accepted it.

Then... Thursday rolled around... I get a text message at work... "Are you attracted to g#2?" and I was like... uh.. thought we talked about this. It's hard to understand what people are trying to say to you in e-mails in text, because there's no emphasis really... or much of it is lost anyway... take that same statement and it could mean a couple of things. I kind of took it as, my wife is mad at me. I was also distracted and busy at work so I didn't have all my head around it. We went back and forth and I was saying that I had told her this, but apparently she didn't get what I'd said to her before. She was claiming that I hadn't. Really silly in hindsight. But eventually I just got it out... "Yes I am attracted to g#2" Sometimes it's best to be simple, but I'm Libra so I have to weigh everything out, see both sides, take in the whole back story, everything is just shades... nothing is black or white. Let me tell you, that can drive some people crazy, though I will add, not g#2, as she is Libra too. :-)

I come home a little stunned. My wife had sent me a bunch of messages saying "It's okay. I love you endlessly." "I LOVE YOU" and "I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!" ... but I was still feeling like I was about to be confronted with something I didn't really want to deal with. But my wife was so happy to see me, so incredibly loving and then said, "Do you have time for a three way chat with g#2?"

And chat we did... I was a bit uncomfortable... but went along. My wife is a VERY direct person usually and she was trying to get to the bottom of it. Then, they dropped it on me. They had gotten hot and heavy two days before while I was at work. My heart sank into my stomach. I felt like I had been set up. I still didn't think there was any place for me with g#2 because her stated lesbianism. I still hadn't made peace with the idea that she WASN'T just using me to get to my wife. I was pissed... they had gone at it right there in our new house, on our new couch, in our house of love! I started to drink a lot more beer. My wife was upset that she had upset me, and had done what she said she wouldn't. It was a bad scene... I talked with g#2 about how I felt... and she told me how she felt about me. She wanted to be with me too. We talked until really really late. My wife and I talked some more. I had to go to work the next day, and they had planned on spending the weekend together... and were expecting that I was going to join them.

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:43 AM

My song... part 6
I was raised Catholic, and still consider myself one actually. I had only had sex with three women in my life. And now g#2 was about to be #4. I was terrified. I went to work that day not knowing what I was going to do and not wanting to really deal with any of it. I thought perhaps I would just go stay at my friend's house. Then my wife started texting me some more trying to figure out how I felt about it. I boiled it down to four choices. First, I could pack up and leave her. Second, I could insist that she never talk to g#2 again. Third, that I could let them have at each other and stay out of it. Or four, I could join them. These were the only valid options I came up with after doing my Libra thing of weighing out all the input data. I decided number four was the best option.
I was still terrified. When I came home from work... I stayed in my truck a few minutes. I had driven home slowly. I stood in the garage for a few minutes. I stood outside the door a few minutes more. I walked into the house scared to death. The house was clean and my wife had gone shopping. I had the fleeting feeling of "Dang, this doesn't happen for me"... jealousy in an instant, but it drifted away as I thought, "yeah, she did when we were first together"... I thought g#2 was there... and I trembled as I turned the corners in my house half expecting that my wife and her would be naked and making out... but it turned out she wasn't... just my number one goddess. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. But she was coming...

We spent a fairly sweet evening together... I was extremely nervous. Not knowing what to do... but just tried to talk and hang out like normal. Then my wife suggested that we watch a movie in bed. We all got ready for bed and my wife had gotten g#2 a toothbrush... all three of us actually. We got sort of normally ready for bed with this new presence in our bedroom. We set up the laptop and started up the Beatles' "Help" which is an awesome movie if your a Beatles' fan. My wife and g#2 cuddled together on one side of our king sized bed, and I sat completely bottled up on the other side... not knowing what to do and feeling like I was going to spontaneously combust... feeling left out. They had already "gone there" in my mind... and I didn't know where I fit in. I laid there making myself as small as I could during the whole movie. They cuddled and kissed and thought I was asleep, but I didn't sleep at all. My heart was racing and I was on the verge of tears.

Then the movie ended... I got up to put the laptop away. And then we talked some more... I told them that I hadn't slept at all. And then my wife did something. She said "Can we just all be together and cuddle without the expectation of sex?" This was a huge sigh of relief to me. We took turns being in the middle and being loved and kissed upon. I think I was the last to go in the middle but I didn't really remember. Somewhere in that, g#2 and I started into making out... I started feeling her up, and found her so very responsive to my touch.... I found her dripping wet with excitement... and we moved to that next level. I brought her to ecstasy and then she hopped up on top of me... with my wife sort of just kissing on each of us and letting us do our thing. Voila, sex with woman #4 in my life.

singtoher 05-21-2010 03:44 AM

My song... part 7
It was really fantastic. Just incredible... the whole weekend. So beautiful and full of love. I was amazed. My wife and I had some alone time too as g#2 had things here and there that she needed to deal with. This also turned out really good as it allowed me to discuss my feelings with my wife. I hadn't really gotten to the point of being comfortable talking with g#2. So it was good to have that little bit of time to get with just me and my wife.

So, that's how it started. I still was left with some questions and felt I needed to talk directly to g#2. I got that chance the following Friday and that's when I found out that she fell in love with me at the same time I had fallen in love with her. We had a long talk while my wife left us alone to go tend to other matters. I needed to know how this woman, who claimed to be a lesbian, felt about me. I needed to know what she was thinking about... was she okay with me being a man? My wife needed clarity on that all too... she really wants to be with both of us. I understand that now. But g#2 sees me as this really beautiful soul and loves me. I see her the same way. It's amazing. There was a point where I was just hating the whole open relationship thing and regretting that I had ever agreed to it. Open relationship is one thing... but it's no thing at all without completely open honest communication... I think that's the real open relationship... whether it's two or ten.

I have spent the last few weeks in total bliss... just total love. Done a WHOLE lot of talking. I feel like I had been a bottle submerged underwater and then someone opened up the top and the water rushed in... love in a bottle... and I am overflowing with so much love and I feel connected to an ocean of it around me. I feel so very blessed, so very blessed to be loved. I am so very grateful to have not just one goddess but two that love me. And let me tell you... they ARE goddesses. I keep wondering who the hell I am to be so fortunate?

There is still a lot to work out... figure out... an uncertain future... the change in my reality of who I thought I was... how this will play out in the future. But... right now I'm just focusing on the moment and enjoying this little space we're in.

I once wrote in a song called "More Love" that "when you give love, so much more love is returned." It was a song I had written for my children to tell them how much I loved them. I believed that then... but I have a lot more evidence of it now.

peace and blessings!

idealist 05-22-2010 03:33 AM

Incredible!! Welcome and keep sharing !!!

singtoher 05-23-2010 02:31 PM

Things are still pretty sweet. I've become a lot more comfortable with things and exploring love, more comfortable and more creative with the sex. My wife wants this to be an equal triangle, but even though I love G#2, I still see this as being and staying more of a V.
We had an interesting evening a few days ago where the three of us did our birth charts. It was amazing the similarities between me and G#2. Same sun sign, same moon sign, same venus. Not surprising that my wife would have fallen so deeply in love with her because she is so much like me.
My wife is so happy it amazes me. To love someone like her, she is bi and poly I should add, and to see her feeling like for the first time in her life she can have a love like she has always wanted is really amazing. She is free. Nothing makes me happier than to see her happy. She is simply the most incredible person that I have ever met.
G#2 is also just beautiful. Part of what I've been going through is dealing with a strange guilt of loving someone other than my wife. See, I have loved my wife since before I knew her. Like she was imprinted on my soul. We were apart for 20 years and I never stopped loving her. So for me having these feelings for someone else was a little odd. But knowing that I have the ability to love beyond her is a very expansive feeling.
Another thing, and I've felt this since the beginning, is that while I love G#2 it's become more aparent that I really won't love another woman as much as I love my wife. As G#2 and I got a lot more closer I thought that perhaps I would, my wife said she knows I will, and that sort of messed with my self image. But over the last few days I realize that I simply won't. I love G#2, but the supreme love I have for my wife is unsurpassed in all of human history. There's a strange feeling of guilt about that but I am mostly okay with it because it's obvious to me that G#2 is pretty much right where I am at. She is also madly in love with my wife and... well... I understand. She fell in love with my wife the instant she met her, and so did I.
Still not sure of how this will play out, it's all still very new, it's all very sweet, but the feeling of permanence makes me feel a tiny uneasey. I suppose it's like any relationship where one person feels that it's moving too fast and is not sure whether to comit to it. G#2 is 100% ready to comit. I feel like my wife's only reluctance to comitting 100% is due to my reluctance. I'd just like to see how things play out. I am however 100% comitted to my wife and this is what she wants.

Lastly, let me say: I really enjoy reading other's postings on here and I appreciate the time everyone takes to share their stories. It's truly been a lot of help to me.

peace and blessings all.

singtoher 06-01-2010 05:47 AM

Well, it had to happen eventually. I am out of town as I have to do more often that I'd like and my wife and G#2 got together without me. I knew they would at some point but my wife had put up a barrier. I guess she wanted to protect me, and in some way G#2, and try to make our triangle a lot more even. Anyway, I'm feeling sad and lonely about it and I wish I wasn't. Trying to process my feelings about it.
On the day I left I tried to wake my wife up early because it had been a couple of days since we'd had sex. In fact the last time I had sex was with G#2 a week ago. I really wanted some from my wife before I left, but she is just not a morning person. I tried to let it go... but I was really horny and told her that after I had left and told her that I was going to absolutely have to masturbate. I was just JACKED up. My wife has had me do this a few times when I go out of town where she asks me not to masturbate so that I will be all crazy fired up for her. So, I resisted, still have actually. And I think that's a part of what I'm feeling. I mean, I thought they would hook up without me while I was gone. I expected it. But my wife said she wouldn't, that she would have time, etc. But now I'm kind of feeling like a fool for going, now a solid week without having an orgasm, and being lonely and sleeping alone while she and G#2 are having a blast. I feel really selfish at the moment too... and I don't like it. I have a strong feeling they are together right now while I'm struggling to sleep. I fly back home tomorrow.

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