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-   -   Re-start after potential metamour talks smack... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28151)

LovingRadiance 09-07-2012 02:38 AM

Re-start after potential metamour talks smack...

My SO met a girl. Boundaries were broken (thats been addressed). She got pissy when he stepped back to address the broken boundaries (she didn't know that is what he was doing).

She talked smack about me, unaware I would hear/see it.

He and I address the issues in our dynamic including boundary breaking.

He meets with her to explain what happened, his part in it, her part in it etc.

She wants to be friends with him and **it sounds like they want to look at possibly more down the road but that hasn't been specifically stated.

They continue talking via text and she says maybe she needs to try to be friends with me then.


I'm not inclined to open myself up to people who talk crap about me. When I say talk crap, I do mean UNTRUE stuff. Because even if its bad, if its true what they say, I got NO complaint.

On the other hand, I know that she thought it was true and her feelings were hurt because my SO made some bad choices regarding boundaries.

Any thoughts or suggestions for going about this? (her and I)

My gut response is that the stuff said needs to be cleared up before we can begin building any sort of trust and/or friendship.
But, I'm unsure if thats just me being defensive and bitchy.

BoringGuy 09-07-2012 02:57 AM

Maybe you should let her try. You can reject her any time.

Jade 09-07-2012 03:00 AM

I'm curious why he doesn't do the initial fix, and you do the follow up confirmation. It sounds like something he did gave her a false impression of you, and it's his responsibility to take corrective action. Why didn't she know that he was stepping back to address the broken boundary?

LovingRadiance 09-07-2012 03:02 AM

Oh, I have no intention of going chasing after her. :)

I do suspect I will be contacted by her soon though..

I'm unsure how I want to proceed.

It's easy enough for me to decide if I deduct the whole poly-dynamic from the equation-because when it comes to personal friendships-I don't mince words. I'm very... perfunctory.
I would simply look them in the eye and say, "you said xyz, it's bullshit and it pissed me off."
Then go from there.
If no apology were forth coming-no friendship would be either.

On the other end of that-thought though-is that I have noticed that there are some things about my... not poly way of dealing with things that just DO NOT function in my poly world. ;)

So-I figured-what the hell-I'll ask and see what the rest of ya'll think. ;)

LovingRadiance 09-07-2012 03:07 AM

He did.

That's why she is feeling like she needs to come back to me and try to build a friendship.

He went to her and addressed what he did wrong (which included breaking boundaries, not telling her the boundaries and using her as the sounding board and venting ear while we were struggling through some issues this winter-but NOT using her as a sounding board for any of the good stuff).

At any rate, he did do his part.
He leaves town in the morning for a week-and yesterday she up and decided she might ought to work on building a friendship with me.
Which-I suspect will result in her contacting me while he's gone.

This all happened pre-March.
He addressed things with her over phone and text through June and July then they met for coffee and had a pow wow over the minute details, his apology etc in August.

The issues that created the problems have been dealt with and I have no concerns with that. Including him enlightening her not only to what he didn't say before, but also to what she couldn't know about regarding him and I, AND what our current boundaries are and how that pertains to her (some of them don't pertain to her at all).

GalaGirl 09-07-2012 03:21 AM


My gut response is that the stuff said needs to be cleared up before we can begin building any sort of trust and/or friendship.
But, I'm unsure if thats just me being defensive and bitchy.
If it were me? If she contacted me to try to work on the (me <--> her) tier of the polymath?

I'd want that cleared up first too.

We teach others how to be treated. I'd be willing to forgive it since this is starting out and she may not have been in the full picture yet or up to full speed and I can understand feeling hurt and acting out.

But I would lay out how it works in my universe. I would also lay out how I want to be treated as a meta from this point forward. Do NOT assume things about me. Come to me direct. You have the right to clear communication. That includes not putting Shared Honey in the middle. Eliminate the middle man.

I would invite her to add any points to that Jedi contract she feels she needs or feels is missing. I'd be willing to discuss with her and Shared Honey if addendums are needed. If it's a banner she can fly under, great. We all agree this is the banner we fly under, new polyship takes flight.

There. Done. We do not have to be best friends, or even friends. We do have to be polite, cordial, respectful since we share a Honey and there's gonna be conversations about health screenings, calendars, and whatnot eventually. Let's play like grown ups here.


LovingRadiance 09-07-2012 03:38 AM

That is pretty much how I feel about it GG. Our boundaries regarding friends is pretty simple and they have gone over it. Her one issue is that to her kissing (tongue to tongue) of 'just a friend' is acceptable, whereas its not for us. But, as I understand it, she has agreed to our boundaries as such.

The 'dating' aspect is currently 'on hold' because she has an issue with the fact that I have herpes. She has expressed wanting to date-but is 't ok with taking the risk (perfectly reasonable) and he isn't willing to limit himself to using condoms with me (it is a boundary that we use them with others ourside of our current V).
But, since the dating aspect is currently not on the table, I'm not concerned with laying out the option for her to add to the boundaries. IF that comes to the table again, there is room for negotiation. Our agreement is that we will readdress the boundaries at 3 month increments. So, march, june, sept, dec. if there is a potential partner they are welcome to join in the discussion. Shrug.

GalaGirl 09-07-2012 03:57 AM

Sounds like you are being real about it then.


LovingRadiance 09-07-2012 04:24 AM

Thanks GG. I admit to having taken much time to read your posts and consider them in terms of my own thoughts and actions. ;)

I think I will take time to write out my "how I want to be treated as a metamour" thoughts this weekend. ;)

GalaGirl 09-07-2012 05:09 AM


I think I will take time to write out my "how I want to be treated as a metamour" thoughts this weekend.
Def share it when you do! I'd love to see other people's examples. I keep precontemplating it. In my world, I never had to deal with it direct as a dating single. Not at all yet as a dating married -- we haven't been dating as marrieds. So whole other arena.

In the old thing -- BF1 (now DH) never exercised his option to see others even though we were not exclusive. So his "house next door" always stayed vacant. BF2 was LDR, so I never had to see or meet or deal in his Others directly either. I only heard about them second hand from him when he expressed "Argh!" to me to vent. But it had no direct correlation to my life, really.

So now that we take our sweet time discussing Opening Up someday when we're not active parents maybe -- I have to think about that Meta thing being territory that needs covering. This time it could play out different, so no point in being all ostrich about it.

Being a poly single dating is so different than being a poly married dating. Pace is waaaaay slower when you tend 8 buckets rather than 4. Gotta keep to minimal sloshing so everyone's mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healths aren't shaken up TOO horrible. Who is in it for horrible?! LOL. ;)


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