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-   -   What do I want in a Secondary relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2810)

Breathesgirl 05-19-2010 12:11 AM

What do I want in a Secondary relationship?
 
Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

This IS a work in progress as we figure out what we need and want from our past relationships.

------------

What do I want in a secondary relationship?

dedicated time--at least a couple of evenings a month dedicated to US with no distractions. Distractions in MY dictionary includes cell phone/texting for non-essential stuff and too many 'emergencies' within a short amount of time. I understand that life sometimes does get in the way of premade plans but when it happens too many times within a prescribed amount of time the odds are you really aren't that interested in what I have to offer so I will most likely end the relationship before someone gets more hurt than they already are.

intelligence--you don't have to have book smarts to be intelligent

NO DRAMA!!!!!! If C&C taught me anything it's that drama is way over rated!

Understand that you are NOT the centre of my universe. My world does NOT revolve solely around you. I have a Sir/boyfriend and kids as well as family and friends whom I enjoy spending time with. I am not the center of your universe either. I expect you to have at least family and friends you enjoy spending time with as well.

Someone who knows how to communicate their wants, needs, emotions & anything else that is going on in their lives.

If you want M/s or D/s incorporated you have to say so. I am NOT a mind reader contrary to what my kids think.

Someone who is capable of giving AND receiving love, hugs, cuddles, snuggles and snarky answers.

A sense of humour is essential.

Putting one's self down is a trigger for me and will get you an earful, and more, of what is so good about you and why you shouldn't be feeling that way.

Someone who likes to experiment with different food types. I will go to almost any type of restaurant and most likely enjoy what I eat as long as it isn't too spicey. I don't need my acid reflux acting up just to satisfy your need for super spicey food.

redpepper 05-19-2010 05:46 AM

oooo, good question!

The understanding that the time I have is limited and that my priority is in my primaries first for various reasons...

other than that, the rest would be what I would want in a partner in general.

Derbylicious 05-19-2010 06:27 PM

As learnt from a past relationship...No double standards!

punkrockmomma 05-19-2010 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 30100)

dedicated time--at least a couple of evenings a month dedicated to US with no distractions. Distractions in MY dictionary includes cell phone/texting for non-essential stuff and too many 'emergencies' within a short amount of time. I understand that life sometimes does get in the way of premade plans but when it happens too many times within a prescribed amount of time the odds are you really aren't that interested in what I have to offer so I will most likely end the relationship before someone gets more hurt than they already are.

I don't have a partner at present myself, but this is important to me nonetheless. I don't expect to be the centre of someone's universe, nor them of mine. It is important to me though that my schedule as a single parent is taken into consideration, that there is a willingness for my partner/partners to work with me to make plans. That I am not being forced to work around their schedules.

Breathesgirl 05-19-2010 09:24 PM

Point taken :).

As a Mom myself it is ultra important that I meet my kids needs before I meet anyone else's. This has been a long standing agreement between Breathes and myself--my kids come first, him second. It's also an agreement with Possibility and myself. He has two young kids, mine are teens, and they ALWAYS come first. Sometimes we even squeeze in some together time by taking the kids so their mom can have a breather or so she can have some one on one time with their partner.

redpepper 05-19-2010 09:57 PM

The kid thing is kind of what I meant in terms of time also. Its important that my boy know that I need my time to myself, but he comes over a secondary in terms of time. Of course things can be manipulated and shifted around. I just take his consideration first.

SchrodingersCat 05-19-2010 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punkrockmomma (Post 30174)
I don't have a partner at present myself, but this is important to me nonetheless. I don't expect to be the centre of someone's universe, nor them of mine.

I'd say this is valid in any relationship - primary, secondary, mono, poly... you need to be the centre of your own universe.

I wouldn't even make an exception for your kids, because if you aren't taking care of yourself then you can't take care of anyone else to the best of your ability. When parents push themselves beyond their limits for an extended amount of time, their mental health eventually suffers, and that can have drastic consequences on the very children you're trying to protect.

punkrockmomma 05-20-2010 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 30184)
I'd say this is valid in any relationship - primary, secondary, mono, poly... you need to be the centre of your own universe.

I wouldn't even make an exception for your kids, because if you aren't taking care of yourself then you can't take care of anyone else to the best of your ability. When parents push themselves beyond their limits for an extended amount of time, their mental health eventually suffers, and that can have drastic consequences on the very children you're trying to protect.

My son is pretty much the centre of my universe :)

Some time to be an adult would be nice though! I feel like I keep harping on the schedule thing, just dating and parenthood is challenging. I'm sure many people on this board are aware of that!

All I want is the same consideration extended my way in terms of scheduling. I don't have more than a day or two a week to offer anyone, it can be pretty intense trying to work with me to find some adult in the midst of everything.

That and a sarcastic sense of humour, reliability and accountability, a taste for a wide variety of ethnic food, 80's movies and some fun kinky stuff and I'm a happy gal ;)

saudade 05-20-2010 01:07 AM

Exactly, SC! Oh, and my 2cents
 
Quote:

I wouldn't even make an exception for your kids, because if you aren't taking care of yourself then you can't take care of anyone else to the best of your ability. When parents push themselves beyond their limits for an extended amount of time, their mental health eventually suffers, and that can have drastic consequences on the very children you're trying to protect.
It's like they say on airplanes-- if there's an emergency, you put your own oxygen mask on first. Your kids can't help you with yours if you're unconscious, but if you've got yours on then you're in a position to help them.

On the initial question:

My requirement is the same in all of my relationships: that we pursue the kind of relationship that makes the most sense for the two of us. Usually that involves finding a way to spend time together (anything from phone dates to living together) and working together on common interests (which might well include those big scary projects like raising a family and paying rent, or maybe just swapping bad scifi novels).

At the end of the day, what really matters to me is that we both want to be in the predicament we've created. :rolleyes:

texaschick 05-20-2010 02:42 AM

Well i won't get too detailed , because I could go on for a bit with specifics. Mainly I want someone who understands my hectic schedule, is willing to be discreet with my friends and extended family, and is willing to keep the lines of communication open. I'm pretty simple to please.

I'm very lucky to have a secondary who personifies most of these traits. We are still working on the communication thing. Sometimes I feel I have to drag him kicking and screaming into our conversations regarding anything deep & emotional.


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