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-   -   Brand-Spankin-New! Questions and such (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28069)

fairydust 09-06-2012 05:12 AM

Brand-Spankin-New! Questions and such
 
Well hello! Clearly I am really new to this entire forum and I've been meandering around the boards, reading, researching and getting my learn on. I've come with some questions that I hope someone doesn't mind answering.

Some history - A story of us

My husband and I have been married for almost five years. Three beautiful kids and some bumps and we are still going strong. This is a second marriage for me, a first for him. I sort of feel like I have an advantage (ha!). Long story short, we are pretty open minded. He is bi and has a few other likes (kinks) and I am similar in likes and such. So we get along pretty well there too.

Process - How I (we) operate

I have always and will always be an honest person. I cannot stand liars and the general dishonest types. My ex husband was a manipulative, lying piece of work and I, since, have refused to associate with people like that. Hard to do in this world, but I do my best. I am also extremely open minded to all forms of things that are not causing undue harm, stress and any preventable bad stuff. I am a talker, and I can talk a topic to death if given the chance. I love to make sure I have all points and know what in the hell is going on. I'm nosy, but in a good way. Lol! My husband is less of a talker, but still open minded. He will blather on about the technical stuff of his work, but it takes some work to pry out those emotions. He gives, eventually, with time, patience and some luck. Given that, we communicate VERY well.


Current - Who's that boy?

Fast forward to present day and here we are! There is a guy, and oh what a guy!! (Isn't that always the way?) He is a good friend to both of us and it seems that the three of us have fallen madly, deeply in love. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but feeling pretty optimistic. We've talked, we've discussed, we've chatted. Lots of information exchanged between the three of us and so far we all seem on board with things going beyond just a good friendship. Sex aside (which hasn't even happened yet), we all meet needs that someone may not (i.e. Hubs meets needs boyfriend may not and vice versa... Apply the same to the two dudes in this equation). It -seems- to work. It -seems- we are all on the same page and even in the same book. It APPEARS to be just right.

The problem - Now what?

Can this work? Is it possible for three people to manage this? This wouldn't be a V situation. More of a triad? I am not 100% up on the lingo, so pardon my ignorance there.

I guess the clincher is he, the boyfriend, is long distance. Doesn't help much, but it also doesn't seem to matter at the moment. Keep in mind, too, that this is all sorts of brand new. We've been talking and talking and talking and to -me- that is what you do. You talk it out. You listen, you open up and you be honest dammit! Right? Yes, that is right. At least for -me-.

The Questions - What the...?

So I guess I want to know, can this work? Is it possible with three adults, three kiddos, two dogs and a partridge in a pear tree? And what about the long distance glitch? It may not be for long, however. We will see on that issue. Can you even be monogamous in a poly relationship? (Stupid question, YES you can. See? I can answer my own questions sometimes. Ha!) Any tips, tricks or how to's? Do's and don'ts? Warnings and the like? Thus far we've already managed one jealousy issue with grace, beauty and, of course, TALKING. Ha!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this rambling. I'd love to hear any and all thoughts.

NovemberRain 09-06-2012 05:22 AM

Hiya fairydust, and welcome

Somewhere around here there is a glossary. If your two men are going to be sexual partners, that's a triad. If it's only them having sex with you, that's a vee. If one of them got another partner, that would be an N. Oh, it complicates exponentially! :D

It's not monogamous whilst in poly, it's fidelitous. Polyfidelitous, I've heard.

Take a look around these forums. You can search by keywords, or there are tags, you can click on anything in the tag cloud and find out more. Many tips and how-to do suggestions.

Anneintherain 09-07-2012 03:43 AM

Yes, of course it can work if you know...it works!...even good things don't work out sometimes for one reason or another.

Have you talked to him about what to do if he wants to date somebody local if it turns out he has to stay long distance longer than you expect he might? Do both you and your husband want to be poly-fi? One of the things I see blow up triads most would be eventually one or two of the group wanting to date outside after originally agreeing they wouldn't, not really looking down the road.

I'd go from the assumption that regardless of how you feel right this moment, everybody will want to date others down the road, being prepared for that is a lot better than being blindsided by it someday.

Of course if you all want to move in together, there's lots of good threads on all the complications that come along with that, as well as the general recommendation to not move in together until you've been involved at least a year, and whatnot.

Avatar 09-07-2012 09:43 PM

To echo the other two, yes, it certainly can work, and it sounds like the three of you are off to a great start already.


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