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-   -   New in every sense of the word! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28054)

NewGurl 09-06-2012 02:20 AM

New in every sense of the word!
 
Hi,

I am a just turned 19 yr old woman. Before meeting my now bf (S, 41yrs) and being introduced to the term polyamorous I believed I was a "cheater", he has helped me to understand that there is no problem with me I am just not wired right for a monogamous relationship at this time.

Not only am I new to being poly (the idea is still quite foreign and scary to me) but I am new to just about everything this kind of life entails it would seem.

My partner has been poly for a few years and has 1 other gf at the moment. None of us live together as they both have children living with them and I frequently have my much younger brother and sisters come to stay. Because of a massive blowup with a now ex gf and the other current gf (G), G and I have not met yet and probably will not for quite some time. The children in each house have varying understandings of what the situation is (e.g. His kids know about having multiple gfs and know names but my brother only knows about him).

I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around this relationship. I am surprisingly quite ok with the set up of our relationship and how often he sees both of us (every second weekend none of us have kids around, she has 1 night I have another and we see him during the week as well as none of us work). At first the age gap was an issue especially with my parents but now the main issue we have is experience. I have mainly only had one night stands before S and I am finding that I feel extrememly inexperienced and out of my depth when he and I talk about what we would like to try. I know a lot of this comes down to communication and we have both identified this as something we need to work on.

I did hours of research before I broached the subject of me being poly too not mono and S was very happy with the idea not having a problem with me finding a bf or gf for both of us or just me.

I know everyone has their own ways of setting up their relationships but I'm just wondering if anyone knows of some sites or threads that can help me get my head around all of this?

Sorry it's so long! Hope I put it in the right place!!

lovefromgirl 09-06-2012 03:54 AM

Uh, well, this would tend to be the right place for getting your head 'round things. :) Welcome!

How do you all manage being unemployed at once? One of the biggest obstacles to poly happiness can be a scarcity of certain resources. Time is one. Money is another.

opalescent 09-06-2012 03:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewGurl (Post 153054)
I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around this relationship. I am surprisingly quite ok with the set up of our relationship and how often he sees both of us (every second weekend none of us have kids around, she has 1 night I have another and we see him during the week as well as none of us work). At first the age gap was an issue especially with my parents but now the main issue we have is experience. I have mainly only had one night stands before S and I am finding that I feel extrememly inexperienced and out of my depth when he and I talk about what we would like to try. I know a lot of this comes down to communication and we have both identified this as something we need to work on.

First welcome NG! I recommend noodling about on the forum and read what interests you. That is a fast way to get familiar with the lingo (unicorns! OPP!) and the types of relationships people have (lots of variety) and the problems people enounter (also varied but there are distinct patterns).

There are also a few books to read - Opening Up by Tristaine Taormino which is a great intro to ethical non-monogamy in general, not just poly. The other is Ethical Slut by an author whose name I forget. You will have no trouble finding it or Opening Up online. Some people really dislike Ethical Slut but I found it useful. There are quite a few good sites besides here. You will find those referenced frequently in threads.

Now to your question. To point out the obvious, the 22 year age difference is the reason why you two are having experience difficulties. I assume you mean sexual experiences but also romantic experiences? You are just beginning to explore what turns you on, what you like sexually, what you don't etc. Ditto for learning what type of relationship you want - not just poly vs. mono - but the whole range of needs, wants, goals, desires that define a relationship you can thrive in. Think about your ideal relationship(s) - what would it look like? Feel like? What draws you to that situation, those people, that arrangement, that life goal? Don't worry. You can (and will) change your mind! However this like lots of things can rally only be learned by experience, by time, and by experimenting.

Here are a few things I wish I had known when I was around your age. You may already know them but I sure didn't back in the day.

You are responsible for your own orgasm. Doesn't mean that others can't give you pleasure but that you are responsible for figuring out what turns you on. Your partners are not mind readers - tell them what you like and don't like. (And tell them if you don't yet know if this or that makes you wet.)

Consent counts. Seems obvious right? It's not automatically so. What you want to do (or not) is your decision. To have sex or not is your decision, no one else's. The kind of sex is also up to you. You set the limits, the boundaries of what you want to explore. And here is where it gets deep - to truly consent one must have the ability to say 'No'. Take responsibility and ownership over your pleasure, your sexual joys, your sexuality. That way your partners will know they can trust your 'Yes'. It's in that space where love, trust, faith and all sorts of yummy feelings can grow.

So again welcome. Good luck!

NewGurl 09-06-2012 04:35 AM

Lovefromgirl - We all manage to be unemployed because in our town employment is very hard to come by. I recently moved 200kms away to try and find some work, I never found any and it was too stressful being away from S and my family so I ended up moving back after 3 months.

Opalescent - Yes I do mean sexual and romantic experience. We have had a discussion about the "L word" as he and I refer to it as, we both have difficulty using that word although we both admit there are extremely strong feelings between us.
I have no problem at all orgasming, we tried counting them once but lost count/gave up after 12, my housemate jokes about getting a counter where I press a button each time but we just kind of laugh it off lol Yes consent does count I have been sexually abused twice and after a nightmare and the whole story coming out at 2am one day S has been very careful in listening to what I say and has learnt where most of the booundaries are, he has even help me over come the boundary of having my wrists held although the thought of using handcuffs will give me a panic attack.
Can I get Ethical Slut and Opening Up in hard copy too? Is there anything in either of those books about coming out to parents? My father and his gf know about S being poly and disapprove and my mother and her husband know and accept but also don't approve. I don't know how to come out to them and say I am the same?

CielDuMatin 09-06-2012 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewGurl (Post 153084)
Lovefromgirl - We all manage to be unemployed because in our town employment is very hard to come by. I recently moved 200kms away to try and find some work, I never found any and it was too stressful being away from S and my family so I ended up moving back after 3 months.

I think that the question was more how do you manage for money with all of you unemployed, rather than why are you all unemployed. :)

NewGurl 09-06-2012 01:32 PM

Ooops lol :) I'm not sure about where you guys are from (can't see on my phone) or what kind of social services system you have there but here in Australia its extremely good and there is a lot of financial support from our government. Its not enough to live on comfortably long term but it is enough to survive.

lovefromgirl 09-06-2012 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewGurl (Post 153145)
Ooops lol :) I'm not sure about where you guys are from (can't see on my phone) or what kind of social services system you have there but here in Australia its extremely good and there is a lot of financial support from our government. Its not enough to live on comfortably long term but it is enough to survive.

I've been unemployed in America since mid-2010. Unemployment insurance pays just enough to keep us from adequate health care and barely enough to get by. I feel for you and at the same time am massively jealous of the Australians!

Avatar 09-07-2012 09:01 PM

Welcome!

kdt26417 09-07-2012 09:59 PM

Hi NewGurl,
Welcome to our forum.

Re (from Post #1):
Quote:

"Not only am I new to being poly (the idea is still quite foreign and scary to me) but I am new to just about everything this kind of life entails it would seem."
Polyamory is obviously different from monogamy, but the two lovestyles have things in common. Like the importance of communication, at the top of the list.

You will find that many of the threads on Polyamory.com are good for getting a perspective on your own situation, and you can always post thoughts/questions/concerns.

Re (from Post #4):
Quote:

"Can I get Ethical Slut and Opening Up in hard copy too?"
I would think so, but don't quote me on that. If you mean hardback ... otherwise, you can definitely get them printed in softback. I have a "softback" copy of both books in hard copy. You can probably find both books on amazon.com; give it a try.

Re:
Quote:

"Is there anything in either of those books about coming out to parents?"
Don't know. :( Haven't finished reading "Opening Up" yet.

Re:
Quote:

"My father and his gf know about S being poly and disapprove and my mother and her husband know and accept but also don't approve. I don't know how to come out to them and say I am the same?"
I just want to say that you can't control your parents' reaction. They have their own freedom to accept or not accept. Even if they don't approve, it's pretty good if they at least accept. If you want to come out to them, I think you have to prepare yourself for a possible negative reaction. I don't think there's any magical way to say it to get them to approve. Sometimes they'll be upset about it at first, but they might come around later on.

Hope this answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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