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-   -   I can't find any reference to this situation I'm going into (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2802)

mojocjr 05-18-2010 04:10 AM

I can't find any reference to this situation I'm going into
Hello everyone!
I am a Male, that will be moving in with my best friend, his wife, and their two year old son.

I have known my friend for almost 10 years, and have become very emotionally attached to him over time. And he has done the same to me as well. His wife gave us permission a while ago to fool around while him and I were on vacation, and it was fun. Well, in addition to that, the three of us decided to make the plunge, and all fool around with each other at the same time. It was a great time, no jealousy involved, no regrets, only the desires to do so again. I have never fooled around with a guy, but I really enjoyed it. I equally enjoyed fooling around with his wife. And he really liked that too.

Well, now we are going to be moving in together(For OTHER reasons, not because of our relationship history), and I think that they are deciding on an open marriage, since I'll be a roommate and it will make things more comfortable, since we are all really open about ourselves.

I have looked around online for others in this situation, and it seems quite unique. Is there anyone else in a situation like this? We are all really looking forward to it.

--Jon D

SchrodingersCat 05-18-2010 06:23 AM

oOoOoOoOoOo... I'd love to share your excitement, but I've seen too many horror stories start out this way.

Fooling around is very much different from having a loving, open & honest romantic relationship. Make sure everyone is emotionally prepared and up to the difficult task at hand. Make sure this couple REALLY REALLY WANTS to be polyamorous, talk to the wife alone and get a really good sense of what she truly wants, before getting yourself stuck in an undesirable situation.

This situation will require everyone's communication skills to be sharp and ready. Everyone will need to fully disclose how they're feeling at every step along the way, without fear of being judged.

The whole "roommate-slash-lover" thing is sorta playing with fire. It has gotten many people into situations where the romantic part didn't work out as they'd expected, and then they're scrambling for a place to live, or else stuck with "nowhere to go" and trying to pick up the pieces at the same time as they're still falling apart.

The whole "they are deciding on an open marriage" thing implies that they are new to this. My gut reaction is that before moving in with them, it would be better for them to get some experience dealing with polyamory, and for you all to get some experience dealing with romance without the additional burden of living together.

I'm concerned about the child involved. He may grow attached to you, and if it turns out that polyamory doesn't work for this couple, things can get ugly and I would hate to see a young child caught in the middle of all that. Children have a strong sense of tension, even when you think you're keeping it from them.

redpepper 05-18-2010 06:47 AM

yup, did this in university, only I was the woman. It isn't all that uncommon at younger ages... or it wasn't in my life anyways. Now I think it is even less uncommon to live with roommates and then start sleeping with them.

I agree largely with Sch, get some education under your belt by reading on here and elsewhere. There is lots to learn and it's all very la la la when things are good, but they can go fast the other way. Find out how they can and talk about it with them. What are their fears, what would they like to see happen if this doesn't work out... etc.

It's all very well to casually have sex with friends you like, but poly is about love and a level of commitment that is deeper. It's not just sex. Make sure you are ready for all that comes along that isn't sex. Of which there is many and most of the relationship. The actual relationship part will be a huge part, more than any mono one you have been in.... prepare for that...

Danny40179 05-18-2010 02:49 PM

As everyone said this can be dangerous, but I think you've got a good start considering you've been friends with this man for 10 years. How long have you and his wife been friends? What kind of relationship do you have with their son? That last is VERY important to think about. Gotta remember it wasn't the kids choice and he may be hurt if things don't go well down the road.

As Red and Schrod said always a good idea to learn more about any situation you're about to become a part of. This forum has MANY wonderful resources, so definitely use them! Also, open and very honest conversations need to happen. Everyone should be on the same page and the only way that can happen is for you all to sit and talk, and keep talking. I think a lot of times people talk at the start of their relationships, but then it just dwindles away for some reason.

Good luck! :)

mojocjr 05-18-2010 11:29 PM

Hello! Thank you all for your comments. It's not like we just went at this shotgun. We have been video chatting and phone chatting, and visiting each other very often over the last 6 months... I usually have about 5,000 texts a month to them. We are always talking. And we understand its more than sex. We DO love each other... that's the thing. It's already all been established, and all partys knows eachothers' feelings. I am extremely emotionally attached to my friend, he is emotionally attached to me, and he is romantically and emotionally and in love with his wife. His wife is also attracted to me, and she has already told him that, and he is perfectly fine with it. I am also emotionally drawn to his wife. I have known his wife since they got married some years ago.

We have all been doing certain things to test the waters for half a year to be sure that we are all up for this emotion wise. We have done a TON of research, and know the risks, so we have tested our feelings a lot. The thing is, its more kinda a mix between Polyfidelity, and Polyamory. They are not willing to do what we do with anyone else but me. That have a very strong bond with me, and I have a strong bong with them. So, its not something that they can go out and test first with others. The attraction is mutual between the 3 of us only.

On to some other things:
We all have extremely mellow attitudes. We dont get angry about things, we are all very mature, and small things wont set us apart. I can't actually think of anything that we could say or do that would make things go bad. I mean, his wife straight up said... "Im attracted to Jon", and he was happy about it and said that's cool.

Their son:
I am actually the Godfather of their son(they call me uncle), so.. I plan on being a part of his life no matter what happens. I accepted that responsibility, and -nothing- would ever change that.

So, I hope all that makes things seem a bit more sane!

Let me know if that stuff helps a bit with the understanding.

redpepper 05-19-2010 05:31 AM

cool, sounds like you are well on your way and prepared.

Just for the record, polyfi falls under the larger umbrella of polyamory. It isn't separate from it...:)

mojocjr 05-19-2010 05:49 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 30126)
cool, sounds like you are well on your way and prepared.

Just for the record, polyfi falls under the larger umbrella of polyamory. It isn't separate from it...:)

I hope so! I think things will go great :)

And thank you for that clarification!

We'll keep you guys updated for sure.

Danny40179 05-19-2010 03:45 PM

Definitely seems like you've got a great grasp on this. I also commend you on your stance as far as their son goes. :)

Good luck!! :)

mojocjr 05-19-2010 07:32 PM


Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 30140)
Definitely seems like you've got a great grasp on this. I also commend you on your stance as far as their son goes. :)

Good luck!! :)

Yea, things are going great :) Im visiting them at the end of the month... and we have agreed on the fact we are gonna definitely play around some more. And, all parties are also OK with 1on1 stuff while the other is away now too. We're gonna try that out and see how we feel to gauge things. :)

One of the days my friend is out of the house, so me and his wife will fool around(And he is 100% fine), and then another time me and him will fool around. (Note... All I do with guys is purely EXTERNAL things haha)

Thanks for the commendation! I took their honor they gave me very seriously. So I would never screw that up. Thanks everyone!

saudade 05-21-2010 05:19 AM

My situation isn't wholly unlike yours, with the move-in and love and fooling around and crazy... Yeah.

Two years ago, my boyfriend--now fiance-- and I moved in with a couple of friends to save on rent in a new city (and because I believe in cohousing, and we lived together in college dorms, and...).

Another friend wanted to move in with us, and started fooling around with me after plans had been made. We were both taken by surprise, but really pleased. Things progressed wonderfully, albeit rapidly, and I call him my partner now.

Then we moved into a bigger house, with more friends. Then I started dating an ex-girlfriend again (long-distance), and when she came to visit she fell for a housemate. She's moving in with us soon, and so is another good friend of mine (we're now in the "-with-benefits" category), and so is an ex-boyfriend who is likely to become entangled again...

There's almost a dozen of us in the house these days, and we're not all dating or fooling around or whatever.

So yeah-- poly cohabitation complications. It's not just you!

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