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-   -   Depressed mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2800)

worc2187 05-18-2010 01:02 AM

Depressed mono
I have a lot going on inside myself right now and it's a combination of things that I have felt before. However this is the first time that I have felt them as deeply as I do now. My girlfriend of two years came out to me as Poly. Obviously, being someone who has maintained monogamy all my short life, I was not okay with it.

To start, she told me a few months ago that she was interested in exploring, and brought up that she had mentioned the need for both of us to be ďfreeĒ when we first started dating. At the time, I didn't understand what she had been saying, and Iím pretty sure she didnít either. When she finally gave me the ultimatum it was hard for me. She expressed that she loves me and that she wants to be with me. She also said that she can't go on being mono anymore, and had to experience different people. She is firm that she still wants to be with me as a primary. We live together, and we have built a life with each other.

This has all registered on a cognitive level, and if I didn't think there was something to this, then we'd both be packing up our things. I love her with everything I am, and I want her to be happy.

I've soaked up every online resource there is on polyamory. Xeromag, this site, Wikipedia ,and ect. I understand all the arguments, many of the different approaches, and Iíve read just about every approach to dealing with jealousy could find. I was looking for an easy way and as all of you could guess, I couldn't find one.

Despite all my gfís arguments and all the arguments by poly folks online, my emotions have not been as successful as my logic. My gf expressed to me that she is sexually attracted to a guy and that he asked her out on a date. She had said plainly she wanted to have sex with him but would take it slow for me. We talked about it again a week later and she said she wanted to explore a casual relationship with this guy; but not necessarily an emotional relationship. I indirectly called her a whore and pretty much ruined any hope for rational conversation. He got freaked out when he realized that this was an attempt at a poly relationship and never got back to her. She is also getting close to a girl who is going through a sex change to become a woman physically. She expressed not being as sexually attracted to this person. I have already ruined a conversation between her and this girl by getting jealous of her chatting with this person online. The girl has expressed wanting to have sex with my gf, has asked her out on a date, to which my gf has said yes. I have not been introduced to anyone she has accepted a date from. She asks me if itís okay after she says ďyesĒ.

I love her and I am glad sheís so open with me about her feelings. However, every time sheís honest about this it hits me like a blunt force and liquefies my insides. I feel like sheís not patient enough and has, of late, become unwilling to talk about it. She says she wants to be with me but that she canít handle hurting me. She asks for my boundaries and I donít know what to say. I feel like it all hurts. I donít understand why she would want to share something with someone else that has been so exclusive to our relationship. Sex, emotion, time, love, and all the intimate affections of a cared lover; it all just blows me away. Therefore I donít know what my boundaries are. If youíre going to get wet you might as well swim and I donít see any part of the process hurting any less than the other. Iím not against intimate friendships at all, I really do need my time alone (not these days though), and I am welcome to her bringing all types of people in our lives. But this isnít what Iíd had in mind. I feel like when she has sex with someone or falls in love with someone that Iím going to close up and destroy our relationship. I really donít want to do that. We are compatible in so many ways. There are so many things we can compromise on. But this is a bomb. It makes me feel like Iím not good enough.
I can relate to her in a way; a couple of times in my dating experience Iíve felt like I could have dated many people at once. I had one situation where three girls, who were all friends, had real heavy crushes on me. I was certainly attracted to all of them on a physical and emotional level. I had to choose one and act like the others didnít matter as much when they certainly did. I got something different from all of them. The only thing that wasnít shared was physical intimacy. My relationships with all three have affected my life, and my sense of ďwhat ifĒ. One time I really had something for my friendís gf and she for me. I have known this friend all my life and I told him how I felt. I told him I would stay away from her if itís what he wanted. I love him and I cared about the girl so much. He told me he trusted me and that it didnít matter anyway; he knew I wouldnít do anything to hurt him. I would have been fine sharing that girl, which I cared for, with one of my best friends.

I understand the logic. I see the advantage. I still donít get how? I donít get how to stop the pain. I feel hopeless. There was a post where people were describing their transition as being ďDragged in kicking and screamingĒ . I know what they mean. I need help from people who have been through this. I thank you all for taking the time to read this angst and Iím sure you see it all the time. Iím also sure everyone says that.

Ariakas 05-18-2010 01:33 AM

I think kicking and screaming was me, I think...it was a description about how I described my...understanding of compersion. and ps, I still don't have it down. Mine was very very different than yours, I am the newly poly person who fell in love with someone who will never and can never return it. The whole idea baffles her. I had to find joy in her happiness knowing I can never be truly part of it...understand it wasn't about me, and in the end be her friend...

I had a stable loving relationship before, during and after with my wife. In fact I know, my friend (the woman I fell in love with) cares for me more than the average friend, includes me in her life...but will never take it to the level of true intimacy or love...

anyways, you have processed everything logically. I have two points

Here comes the kicker, and think back to when you were a teenager...you have a craptastic amount of emotion to process...I am the most logical person you would meet, but this amount of emotion involed in multiple relationships might take time, lots of time...AND experience to work through. Poly, as I have started to read and experience, requires some experience, time and energy...

Point 2...its a simpler more concise point...you may not be poly. you may not be able to process poly, you may not be able to accept poly. *You* need to figure that out for yourself. Don't jump on this point, of course, but understand you might not be wired to fully understand it, you may just have to learn to either accept it in your partner, or decide something else for your self.

There are a few monogamous people on here that are with newly discovered polyamorous people. Continue reading and posting your concerns and they will likely respond.

Just understand one last point, this has nothing to do with you. I mean that with the utmost respect. It has nothing to do with how she feels for you, for what you do or how you do it. Your partner is poly, finds love in multiple people and will continue to do so. Your gf will not suddenly find that one person who completes her...you are part of her life...:)

Thank you for opening up here and I hope you find the solace you are looking for :)

Quath 05-18-2010 02:00 PM

I remember when I first started dating. One of the things that bothered me was that I was a virgin until I was with my girlfriend (I was 17 at the time). However, she was not a virgin. I had some very strong emotions about it at the time. But I also knew that it didn't make logical sense. There were some close calls that could have led to sex before I met her. But I would not want her to feel as I did if the situation were reversed.

Basically, I tried to see it from as many angles as I could. That helped my emotions and logic match back up.

In a sense, you can see the logical side, but you still feel less special due to it. One way to think about it is to realize that sex with you and her is not the same as sex with other people. There will be a special bond that is not duplicated with anyone else.

Something else that may help is to try to develop compersion. That was something I never heard of before I got into polyamory. I had to really think about the concept and what it really means. I think it is a very interesting emotion that can be called on.

Danny40179 05-18-2010 02:39 PM

Welcome and I'm sorry you're going through this. Ariakas had a good point when he said that you just may not be poly. You can logically understand it, but it still doesn't resonate with you. THAT'S OK!!!! This is a lifestyle that's not for everyone. Now, with that said, let's move on to your gf.

She herself may not truly understand what it means to be poly. I would think that should give you as much time as you needed to process through your feelings and emotions. I don't really like that she's making dates BEFORE she says anything to you. Hell if I start chatting with a woman ONLINE, I make sure that I let the girls know. Honest and communication are two very important foundations in this lifestyle. I'm not sure she's taking the proper steps to assuage your fears. Maybe you should suggest to her that you both research polyamory together. Explore the possibilities together as a couple.

Now, back to you. You said that you ruined a few conversations. Again, not TOTALLY your fault. You're human and have lots of emotions happening right now. Unfortunately this may be why your gf doesn't feel comfortable coming to you before hand. Maybe she feels that if you don't know about it, it won't bother you. Not in her head, so I can't say for sure, just trying to go off of experience.

Good luck and keep us posted.

MonoVCPHG 05-19-2010 03:22 AM


Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 30061)
THAT'S OK!!!! This is a lifestyle that's not for everyone.


Simple and to the point!

It can work even if you both aren't poly but don't expect an overnight turn around. If it does work it will probably take the better part of a year to get some form of stability and calm....that's if you communicate constantly and wallow in your difficulties and differences. Is it worth it for both of you? Because it will take both of you..no exceptions.

Good luck my friend :)

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