Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   There is a light at the end of the tunnel (might be a train) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2794)

sumsumsum 05-17-2010 07:42 AM

There is a light at the end of the tunnel (might be a train)
I am cutting and pasting from my "introduction" posts, as this seems the better compartment for my reflections on this new relationship.

I am just opening to a triad relationship.
I am a 42yo female with a steadfast and brilliant relationship with a 40yo man who loves and worships me.

My husband, of his own accord, has developed deep feelings for one of my dear lesbian friends. This, while I was attempting to dampen the fire I held for her and while she herself was suffering madly over her unrequited love of me.

I had pushed her aside because as my husband had first stated, he "is not into lesbians" and as she had stated "I am not into guys". Without the "love" there was no way I could make it work and as much as she begged, I pushed her away.

It broke my heart.

Since I was a little girl, I knew I was supposed to be with both a man and a women in a loving sense.

I had tried 3some parties, but it just didnt work out. Wasnt the same. Not enough love or emotional connection for me. What I wanted, fantasied about was love all the way around.

What I settled on was a traditional relationship and lots of 3way porn.

Something miraculous has happened over the last year, and sort of behind my back.

They have grown deep and attractive feelings for each other.
Apparently, since they both love and respect me, they had a hard time bringing this information to me in a clear way.

I had received subtle hints, that I thought were just my husband trying to be accommodating and understanding; inviting her to more of our social events, saying- yeah, she is looking kinda hot these days, I see what you were getting at..... maybe having her join us in bed so that we could both take care of you, isnt the worst idea after all.

And her: "Well, I have to admit, you do have the best husband in the world". "Apparently I only like 3 men in the world- Michael Stipe, Mr X and your husband- he is really really sweet"

When I connected the dots and got to the reality of the situation, I could hardly contain myself! I scheduled an immediate hookup!

We had a full weekend with each other and it was everything I had ever hoped and dreamed of. It was sweet, and deep and lovely and respectful and rich and just down right dreamy! I am in bi-girl, born-poly HEAVEN!

But here is the weird part-
I am like the reverse jealous wife!
I am driving MYSELF crazy and am a tad worried that I may do the same to them!
I hang on their every word to each other...
Constantly assessing body language
Constantly looking for clues
Constantly listening for tone and cadence
If I were the type and had the time, I swear I would pilfer through their text messages and emails to each other...
LOOKING and SEARCHING for confirmation that they DO really love each other outside of ME!
So, far the confirmation has been there and it makes me SO very happy.
I am so afraid that she is doing this just so that she can be with me and that he is doing it just to make me happy.
Does that sound dreadful or weird or wrong?
What if they are playing me?
I find myself pushing them to be together just so that I can have confirmation.
They both swear to me that I do not need to do this, that it is there.
And, I will say, for a lesbian, she- without prodding or asking or anything other than free volition- hopped right up on him like there was nothing she wanted more. So, there is that. Like I said, I do have confirmation.
But as jealous women need support, I think I do as well.

I am a weird vegetarian, no meat, no fish. But I refuse to give up bacon.
She says that it is the same with her being a lesbian now. She refuses to give up the identifier but now likes her bacon- lol. We are going to get him a t-shirt that simply says "bacon". Ha.

And he- well, I find him doting over me and giving me LOTS of love. So much love. And I am taking it, loving it, appreciating it.

So, there is my story.
Support and feedback is welcome.


Nobody else can pipe in on my reverse jealous wife syndrome?

My husband and I have such a great relationship and our new partner is so deserving of respect and love! I just want to do my best to assure that every one feels as if they got the long, the best, the most wonderful part of this relationship! For me, that means we all LOVE each other, independent of the other(s) and as a whole.

Perhaps I have my own "deserving issues". I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to be in a "V" relationship, but that is not what I really want.

I know that you cannot force "love" and I dont want to, not really- well, maybe sortof. If I could wave a magic wand, I would. For sure. But ehhhh. See?

Anyways, we got together last night and my husband had to process with me after. He was struggling with feelings of guilt because when he looked into her eyes, he felt the same sense of love that he feels from and with me. So- yes, some issues to work through- but I have HOPE! and more confirmation!

And SHE called me this morning to chat about her feelings for HIM with me, just wanting to make sure that I was doing ok with it.

We are each going through what feels like a deep spiritual awakening.

Thanks for listening.


sumsumsum 05-17-2010 07:43 AM

Thanks everyone. I am so thankful to have this outlet. It will be fun to see where this leads.

New developments, points, considerations and thoughts:

I am NOT a morning person but my guy and my gal are, so they have been talking/chatting every morning. To top it off, they are both the LOVELY kind of morning people! I am not exactly a grouchy morning person, but I dont like a lot of interaction in the morning. I WILL snuggle and use kind words but honestly- I do it to be nice, it is not a natural compulsion : ) For them, it is. They both like to chat, snuggle and be happy and active in the morning. (freaks : )

So, we have found a natural place and time for them to develop their relationship with each other. Organic. I like that.

The ONLY hitch, and this is SO stupid- is that in the back of my mind I have been thinking that with the warming temps that I would start getting up early and make a commitment to loose these few pounds that have been plaguing me. Now I am worried that doing so will infringe on their "time". I will figure it out.

I feel our first "rule" coming on. Information relay. My husband and I are best friends, historically, we tell each other everything. Same with me and my gal and I guess, that for a few months, the 2 of them have been doing the same. It was a normal "thing" for each of us to talk about the "other" and work through ideas, wishes and complaints.

All of us seem to be hinting that we need to not "talk" for the person who is not present. It is going to take some work to figure this out since it has been a natural part of the relationships but we really should avoid the typical- "well x feels..." and "X says...." and "x wants".

Her zen is doing laundry. His zen is doing dishes. They want to trade up, he goes over and does her dishes (which she hates) and she comes and does our laundry (which he hates). We will talk about this. It seems a little early for household merging. (Appointing and serving is my zen. I dont do housework. I organize, pay the bills, hire maid service when needed and in general seek to make the special moments in our life (and they are all special) to be filled with a magical quality). They both seem a little eager to get going with this arrangement but are sensitive and understanding to my needs in this regard.

HE and I are "courting" HER. Sending gorgeous flowers, poems and love notes. As much as I want HER to feel loved by me and by HIM, I want her to feel loved by the BOTH of us.

I told her that I was not comfortable coupling with her until HE and HER were a little further along in their relationship. She was very understanding. I explained that I didnt want to come from a place of controlling, dominating or forcing, but from a place of respect for that side of the triangle and for the center. I dont want to encourage "V" energy. She doesnt want that either, so as hard as it is, we are on hold as far as 1on1 intimate time between her and I go.

6. We are each missing each other and the "group" more and more.

7. So far, no major upsets or pains.

They both seem to be needing a lot of reassurance from me. A lot of emotional attention. Not my strongest asset, but I am doing what I can. Lord help me- a lesbian falling for a married man and a Catholic boy falling for ANYONE.

OH! They have both intimated to me that they see/are feeling this as a permanent thing. We are only 2 weeks in and if only for the fun and romance, I would like us to stay in the dating and 'checking-it-out' phase for as long as possible.

HE is struggling a bit with sensory overload when the three of us are together. He is gets a little over excited, physically and mentally. It is affecting his erection. I gave him some breathing exercises to do and he is going to start cardio training (again) to see if that helps.

Keeping it simple. Of course it is MUCH more complex, but for now we are trying to keep it simple by applying the 2 choice method.
Choice 1: The aspects of love and integration (acceptance, juicy, etc)
Choice 2: The aspects of hate and separation (guilt, shame, jealousy, etc)
When "things" come up, we are seeking to choose option 1.
When that is difficult to do, we bring it to the "table".
Curious, this- during out last session, HE was more attentive to HER than he was towards me. I felt a tiny bit of discord rising up in me. I made the choice to choose #1 and the feeling of discord transformed into the most amazing TURN ON. DELICIOUS.

At this point, our only commitments to each other(s) as of now, is are 1) Playing the choice game and 2) Doing our very best to assure that the others feel that they are getting the long end and best end of this relationship stick : )

We have a long weekend planned and we are getting excited! We each want to make it fun, light hearted and communicative. I am excited to share the details of that as they come forth. For now, in preparation, we are each going to come up with 10 scenarios (sexy and otherwise), let each other view them to make sure that none are unacceptable to the others, then the acceptable ones all go into our weekend basket, to be pulled out when and if needed/wanted. Just for fun. This is our answer to the question of what happens if we get restless, uncomfortable or heaven forbid- bored during our first amount of concentrated time with each other. 5 full days!

Thanks again for providing a safe place for me to journal and share.
It seems that this forum is my only therapy.
And really- I dont want to make anyone jealous, that is not in my nature- may I suggest choice #1! : )


sumsumsum 05-17-2010 07:44 AM

Thanks Idealist!

We have some Cialis on the way! We will see if that helps. In "normal" play he doesn't have any issues, so I guess with will start with 1/4 or 1/2 and see if that helps.

Meanwhile.... New news:

I am exhausted from communication.

For the most part I have been the one guiding and encouraging the talking sessions. Neither are resistant and they both participate but we are not really getting anywhere meaty.

I went so far as to print out a bunch of pages from the xeromag site- mostly on how to treat the secondary. I have gone over safety; physical and otherwise, boundaries, needs, desires, all corners of the triangle, blah blah blah. You know, I just want to make sure that everyone is feeling respected and has their voice heard.

Most of what I get back from them are doe-eyed stares and words like; "I am fantastic" "this is great" "no need for rules at this time" "no need for definitions at this time". While looking over the print outs... "looks like we have #1 covered, and #2..." And so on and so on.

To hear them tell it, everything is perfect.
(Said with just a tad of disbelief).
A disbelief which I brought to the table and to which they BOTH responded by saying that they have a tendency to not verbalize until things are a BIG problem. Hence, "Things are great".

Oh dear. Really? The confirmed and almost militant L is fucking her best friends husband and the husband with Catholic guilt is fucking another woman and this is the first time either of them has been in a Tri and they don't have any issues to talk about? Really? Okay...

They both have such submissive energy at the moment! It kind of erks me and compels me to instigate a catharsis for them! But that is not my job. For now I am going to go with relationship advice that urges us to "believe what your partner tells you."

My meditation for the work week. 5 full days. Every day:
I am a servant to love. The source of love is endless. The source of love moves freely. I neither submit nor direct. I embody. I embody. I embody. I embody love. I emanate love.

Wish me luck.

Ariakas 05-17-2010 04:50 PM


Originally Posted by sumsumsum (Post 29927)
To hear them tell it, everything is perfect.
(Said with just a tad of disbelief).
A disbelief which I brought to the table and to which they BOTH responded by saying that they have a tendency to not verbalize until things are a BIG problem. Hence, "Things are great".

hehe...our ex used to call me on this crap all the time. I had specific sayings and manarisms when I was hiding something. Damn woman could pick them out and just know when I was upset. I am a great communicator, but have my weaknesses :)...you might have to learn their communication style so you can read them :)


They both have such submissive energy at the moment! It kind of erks me and compels me to instigate a catharsis for them! But that is not my job. For now I am going to go with relationship advice that urges us to "believe what your partner tells you."
Good call...especially with multiple relationships, if you try to help or wear their emotions for yourself you are going to break. Keep yourself open, offer to communicate, if they refuse...you have to leave it to them to own their emotions :)...

Thanks for sharing :)

sumsumsum 05-17-2010 06:35 PM

Thanks Ariakas!

Quick question for you.
Where do you think your former inability to express yourself came from?

I know for me, when I was first learning to own my emotions, I found it really hard to express them because of personal shame. I was embarrassed to admit to having certain emotions that I judged to be low-based or negative and also ashamed to admit to certain needs and desires.

I just need to accept that I am in the communication-caretaker position and continue to foster open dialog.

All insight is welcome!

Ariakas 05-17-2010 07:39 PM


Originally Posted by sumsumsum (Post 29974)
Thanks Ariakas!

Quick question for you.
Where do you think your former inability to express yourself came from?

Easiest answer ever...control. I was scared to give a piece of me that could be used to hurt me back. By controlling my emotion, I believed I was protecting myself

I learned, in retrospect, that I need to be allow myself to be open to people. Keep control of my reactions to giving that part of myself. I have to say the relief I felt in giving up a little control was incredible. A serious learning moment in this whole poly world :)

sumsumsum 05-18-2010 02:14 PM

Ahhh, control and fear. Got it. Thanks

I will do my best to assure both of them, through words and demonstration that there are not harsh consequences to communicating thoughts and feelings.

sumsumsum 05-18-2010 02:35 PM

She popped in this morning and crawled into bed with us.
I am NOT a morning person so though their sounds were sweet and attractive, I chose not to participate.

They did, each in turn, ask if I wanted to join in, but I really did not want to. They respected that and didn't let it interrupt their flow.

As their passion heated, I rolled over and held her in my arms while she climaxed. It was fairly precious.

Other news:
DH is now wondering what it would be like to share love with someone for whom the feelings were spontaneous and independent of me. He has SO much love. He is one of the most caring, nurturing and kind hearted people I have ever met. Seeing him love (as a verb) is one of my greatest pleasures.

However, I am not ready to explore that yet. I don't think that he is either, it was just a legitimate question from a person who is learning that I have not been bullshitting him all of these years; that he is lovely, desirable and lovable.

I was his "first". Way way back in the day. We were young lovers for a very passionate summer and then I left, moved on.

We searched for each other over the years and finally reunited about 3 years ago. Our love and passion was right were we left it!

We were each so sad and heartbroken to realize that each of us were in abusive and ugly relationships.

We liberated each other.

While I spent the 20 years exploring sex and trying to reproduce the love and passion that we had had together, he was with someone who constantly demeaned him, and told him every day that sex was dirty and that he was disgusting for wanting it. Sigh.

So here we are.


sumsumsum 05-19-2010 01:43 AM

Finally an issue!
First let me say that she is very well examined, brilliant and thoughtful.


She has admitted to having a small issue. WOOT!

We spent quite a bit of time together this weekend.
Movies one night, social gathering the next day.
She is struggling a bit with feeling like a 3rd wheel in public and is feeling the stress of thinking that she has to control her words and her actions towards us. (she is very touchy feely)

I am not sure how to handle this. We are not, being exactly 2 1/2 weeks into this, ready to be "outed". We do not belong to a poly circle and do not have poly friends and are not exactly involved with alternative lifestyle communities. Pretty straight fences around these parts.

Not that that matters to me, I am totally down with outing, just thinking that I would rather it happen when/if we have a better definition of exactly what we are doing. My thought on this is- why stress out people in our periphery for nothing? If we just become sexdates, folks don't need to know about that any more than I need to know what happens in their bedroom. If this journey ends in a few days or even a few months- still, they don't need to be bothered with our story. If, however, this turns into a long term (?) situation, then YES, I would have no need to hide that. I dont feel like we are hiding now, just not announcing. Eh- minor conflict I guess.

In the mean time, we need to find a way for her to feel more comfortable when/if we go out together.

To her credit, she brought it up BEFORE it was a huge issue for her and did so with clarity and a genuineness of heart and spirit.

My initial response to her was that I thought she shouldn't edit herself, so long as she followed normal PDA guidelines. I am not into making others feel uncomfortable or being a provocateur just for the sake of it.

The sex is continuing to blossom, she and I are still on a tiny hiatus while they explore their feelings and desire for each other. This is going well. He is getting over a lot of his guilt and she is coming to terms that her BODY is as responsive to him as her HEART is.

They are still enjoying their morning conversations with each other and I am still trying to eek out some downtime. Maybe tomorrow. It would be nice to not have to think or talk about all of this for just a small period of time.

Peace Out,

idealist 05-19-2010 10:35 PM

Thanks for continuing to share!
It sounds like things are moving along pretty well for all three of you......!!!

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:32 AM.