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-   -   Another long introduction (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2788)

BlueFlame 05-16-2010 02:52 PM

Another long introduction
 
Hello everyone. I've been an occasional lurker on this board since last year. Recently I decided to get an account so that I could start interacting with people; though with my busy schedule it just hasnít happened until now.

Anyway, I thought Iíd finally introduce myself. Iím a 28 year-old female and been married for 8 years. We have no children and donít foresee any in the near future. I donít think I ever would have considered myself poly; in fact, I still donít think itís a very good word to describe me, yet itís the type of relationship Iím currently in. Said relationship came about very slowly as a little over a year ago I found that I was getting stronger feelings for one of my closest (bi-sexual female) friends. I had long suspected she had feelings for me, but she valued our friendship more than trying to make anything out of her feelings.

My feelings toward her werenít ones I ever considered acting on. For one, it was more of an intense emotional bond for me than something physical (Iím generally not sexually attracted to other females); and, for another, I was married and another relationship simply wasnít in my list of options. A few months from this realization, my husband surprised me one day by telling me heíd been having sexual fantasies about my friend and me.

My husband and I talked about it quite a bit that day and more over the course of time. It was a fun idea for me to play with, but not something I considered seriously for myself because I figured my feelings were one of simply a close friendship. However, by the time fall rolled around (this is making a long story short), I realized that I might be feeling more for her than I previously supposed. That was when the talks with my husband became more serious, and when I started doing research on the subject of Polyamory (which is when I found this board). He was ecstatic about the idea of me being with her and by the time I visited her this February (she lives in another state than I do), I decided to make a move which was received very warmly.

So now Iím currently in a V. Both my primary and secondary seem happy as larks about the situation (except for the fact that sheís long distance). As for me, sometimes Iím happyóI have 2 people who love me dearly, and who I love in return; people who I have a wonderful relationship withóbut sometimes Iím not. I feel confused and unsure if this is the direction I want my life to take. I also fear both the fact that my relationship with her wonít last forever, as well as the idea that it just might last. It would break my heart to lose her (she feels the same way about me), but at the same time, Iím not sure this is how I want to live my life.

I know this introduction is long, but I guess I finally just decided I needed to put this somewhere because I havenít really found any stories and the like of anyone in a situation close to mine, and I donít have any friends that are poly, so I donít really have anyone to talk it out with or seek advice from. Of course, Iím not really sure what advice Iím looking for either, so I suppose that isnít very helpful.

In any case, greetings. Apologies for the long post. Iím not sure how much Iíll have to contribute to this board as I donít know if I can be considered a Ďtrueí poly, but I would like to be more than just a silent observer and perhaps even make some friends in the process.

Danny40179 05-16-2010 03:01 PM

Actually, I think you're doing quite well as far as being poly is concerned. :) You took your time in developing the feelings towards your friend, and you discussed things with your husband. A suggestion though. You said that you're not sure this is how you want to live your life. Who said you needed to make that decision? One thing I've learned is that life has no script.

My wife and I NEVER thought we'd end up with a live in gf for the passed 2 years, but that's kinda how things happened. We started by having 3somes, then over the years we talked about things as they happened. Hell, I didn't even realize there was a label for people like us until a few years ago!!

Live your life as you see fit for you and your husband. Make sure that the core relationship you and hubby have is strong and built on the right foundations, such as trust and communication. Keep very open lines and TALK TALK TALK, even if the conversations aren't always pleasant, they are necessary. (You'll see this is a common thread of mine) If you talk about what's going on inside, the rest seems to just fall into place.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

GroundedSpirit 05-16-2010 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueFlame (Post 29855)
............. I feel confused and unsure if this is the direction I want my life to take. I also fear both the fact that my relationship with her wonít last forever, as well as the idea that it just might last. It would break my heart to lose her (she feels the same way about me), but at the same time, Iím not sure this is how I want to live my life.

Hi Blueflame - and welcome !


My only thought..........

Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

I suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special DO last........forever.

GS

Danny40179 05-16-2010 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by groundedspirit (Post 29861)
hi blueflame - and welcome !


My only thought..........

Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

i suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special do last........forever.

Gs

well said!!

BlueFlame 05-16-2010 03:12 PM

Thanks for your thoughts, Danny. And I suppose youíre right about having to actually make a decision. I think I just worry about suddenly realizing, years later, that Iíd made a mistake that could have been avoided by some careful forethought (not that I havenít give everything involved a lot of thought, mind you). And, of course, I donít feel like my relationship with my gf is a mistake. I guess I donít know what Iím trying to say...

My husband and I do talk a lot, and weíve always had amazing communication. I think thatís why this has all worked out as well as it has. Iím also lucky that I have good communication with my gf as well.

Anyway, thank you so much for your comments.

BlueFlame 05-16-2010 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 29861)
Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

I suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special DO last........forever.

GS

You're right. I know I definitely tend to over analyze. I'm one of those 'planner' type of people, so I tend to feel like I need a plan for everything. Thank you for your suggestions. I'll try to keep them in mind.

Ariakas 05-16-2010 03:26 PM

Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are on your way to a successful relationship.

I definitely fall in line with analyzing more than celebrating. Its very much a learned skill for some of us...

BlueFlame 05-16-2010 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 29868)
Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are on your way to a successful relationship.

I definitely fall in line with analyzing more than celebrating. Its very much a learned skill for some of us...

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right. Sometimes it's hard to let things go and let life take you as it will. Involves some amount of surrender, I think, something I'm not very good at.

sumsumsum 05-16-2010 03:50 PM

Awww, that is a sweet story, one I can sort of relate to.

The long distance thing is hard, for sure, but there are also huge gifts in that.

I am new to this situation as well and in the midst of NRE I can absolutely see the benefit of forced time out.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Warmly,
Sumx3

BlueFlame 05-16-2010 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sumsumsum (Post 29875)
Awww, that is a sweet story, one I can sort of relate to.

The long distance thing is hard, for sure, but there are also huge gifts in that.

I am new to this situation as well and in the midst of NRE I can absolutely see the benefit of forced time out.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Warmly,
Sumx3

Yes, the long distance is a little rough, but we talk frequently online and through text messages, and we visit each other every month or so. I also write her letters and send cards through snail-mail. Are you also in a long distance relationship?

I wish my NRE had lasted a bit longer than what it had. I was still trying to get my 'feet wet' with being with another girl and just enjoying the closer contact, but I felt a little pushed into a more physical relationship with her (by both of them) than I was ready for and I think that sort of killed some of the NRE for me.

I hope things are going well for you and your new relationship :)

Thank you for your comments.


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