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-   -   How do I talk to my spouse? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2782)

Lonely 05-16-2010 11:36 AM

How do I talk to my spouse?
 
I never thought I would be okay with sharing my husband, then I took a job overseas. I realized that I wouldn't be upset if he slept with someone else while I was away because I'm not there. He isn't choosing someone over me, he would be substituting. I have a lot of confidence in my marriage, I know that there is more to it than sex, so I don't think sex should be able to ruin it. He was raised as a catholic and although he doesn't practice any organized religion, it seems as though the guilt over sexul freedom and expression stayed with him. I doubt if I could have a poly lifestyle if I were at home, but I just don't see a problem with it for the situation. I could really use some advice on how to open up about this to him, I brought it up briefly before and he assumed that I wanted to sleep around.

Danny40179 05-16-2010 12:40 PM

We men are insecure creatures. My suggestion is that you be COMPLETELY open with him as you just were here. Tell him your thoughts and points of view on the differences between sex and love. There is indeed a difference. Make sure you let him know that it's not because you want to sleep around, but that you want to explore something new to try and make you being away easier for everyone. I've always found that honesty is indeed the best policy, and although there are tough conversations that come out of honesty, they are necessary ones.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Ariakas 05-16-2010 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 29839)
We men are insecure creatures.

Not to derail, but i find this oddly commical. Just by the wording you exclude women from insecurity haha...I don't think thats your intention, i just sometimes read things as literal.

To the op...your answer lies within the title of your post. Simply talk to him. If you are nervous about that initial form of communication, write a letter to him, maybe a journal you give him access to. That could get the conversation started :)

Out of curiousity, and excuse the assumption, but are you finding you need comfort while you are away? Is that why you want to bring it up? I am simply inverting your intention. Is that why you are nervous to speak with him?

Danny40179 05-16-2010 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 29864)
Not to derail, but i find this oddly commical. Just by the wording you exclude women from insecurity haha...I don't think thats your intention, i just sometimes read things as literal.

Believe me as a lover of big women I COMPLETELY understand that women are as insecure as us men. This was def a case of just reading things too literally. ;) BUT, where as women tend to show their insecurities a bit more, men feel the need to hide them and it's not always the first thing a woman thinks of. :D

GroundedSpirit 05-16-2010 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonely (Post 29835)
I never thought I would be okay with sharing my husband, then I took a job overseas. I realized that I wouldn't be upset if he slept with someone else while I was away because I'm not there. He isn't choosing someone over me, he would be substituting. I have a lot of confidence in my marriage, I know that there is more to it than sex, so I don't think sex should be able to ruin it. He was raised as a catholic and although he doesn't practice any organized religion, it seems as though the guilt over sexul freedom and expression stayed with him. I doubt if I could have a poly lifestyle if I were at home, but I just don't see a problem with it for the situation. I could really use some advice on how to open up about this to him, I brought it up briefly before and he assumed that I wanted to sleep around.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm,

I see some good and some danger here.
Good that you have what seems like a healthy, balanced view of human sexuality. It's basic - not a big deal if kept in proper perspective.

Dangerous that you think it can be turned on and off like a switch. I.E - that you feel that when you come home from wherever, that any attractions that may have formed can just be discarded.

Now.........think about that a moment shall we ?

Not to mention that these possible lovers are human beings. They have feelings of their own too. How would you be if you were used as a sex toy - then tossed aside when not needed anymore ?

A solution to your proposed dilemma ? Legalized and sanctioned prostitution. But we all know that's not happening in most countries !

So think it over. Even if your hubby felt the need & desire to act on your suggestion, it's never that simple. And if traveling a lot is part of your life, you may just want to do some serious studying on polyamory. You may discover it's not as scary as it might seem at first. And you may be surprised where it could fit into your own life.

GS

Lonely 05-16-2010 06:42 PM

I didn't bring it up because I wanted to sleep around, it just occured to me that I would be more upset by him doing something that he thought could jeopardize our marriage, than by the fact he slept with another woman. I don't know if I want to sleep with anyone else or not, it would be nice to feel as though it's my choice though. I mean I know it's my choice, but right now the choice would be between my husband and some other guy, not much of a choice. I think self imposed celibacy is easier to deal with. I am going to be gone for a year or more, this isn't a short trip. As far as the person he would hypothetically sleep with feeling used, I think that if he was honest from the get go, it might not be an issue, but maybe it would, I didn't think of that. I am able to seperate sex and emotion, but I know not everyone can. Thank you for your responses.

I guess what I am asking is for those of you that are involved in a poly relationship, how did you bring it up?

redpepper 05-17-2010 06:27 AM

What if your husband is not the type that can separate sex from emotion, what if who he chooses to be with is not. What you speak of is not the kind of poly I am accustom to. It sounds more like you would like an open marriage where by he can have sex with out you being involved. Poly is about "loving" more than one. There is a difference there to me. What you are embarking on is a very different journey if you think about your husband developing feelings and closeness with another. Not just getting off every once in awhile with someone else.

Lonely 05-18-2010 10:24 AM

I think you are right Red, I didn't even consider these things. It's probably best to just leave things the way they are, I am not posessive of his body, but his love I want for myself. I'm glad I found this site, it has helped me a lot, thanks again!

StitchwitchD 05-18-2010 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonely (Post 29889)
As far as the person he would hypothetically sleep with feeling used, I think that if he was honest from the get go, it might not be an issue, but maybe it would, I didn't think of that. I am able to seperate sex and emotion, but I know not everyone can.

Someone could be okay with a limited-time sex-only relationship going into it, and by the end of the year, one or both people could have developed deeper feelings. People are not emotion-less sex toys. If he really wants to have sex with someone else while you're gone, maybe he could ask people in the swinger community- not that I'm ripping on swingers, just that if someone has that lifestyle, they've already got a good grip on drawing lines between sex and emotions, and there's some people who really like anonymous sex, or one-time things, just for fun. Someone who has done it before and is into that is a better candidate than someone who either A) your husband happens to be attracted to or B) is poly and available for a sexual relationship.
Emotions have a funny way of growing and changing over time.


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