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-   -   A word with the Dad. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2765)

TheRainKing 05-12-2010 12:40 AM

A word with the Dad.
So the new wife arrives next Thursday and I have to meet her Dad and such. That's going to be pretty damn awkward. What do I say to him when he asks our arrangement? She's to have a full time job, screw around with the wife and I and help watch the kids? For heaven's sakes. How about some pointers? For those of you that haven't seen my previous posts my wife and I have been together 6 years, have two brilliant young ones and are very in love. About a month ago her best friend of 12 years came to visit and they jumped me. We all romped for a good portion of the night and though I don't know her friend 'real' well I do enjoy her company. My wife requested of me very kindly that I allow her friend to move in and become a part of our family so I have made an effort to get to know her recently and have become kind of into her which my wife enjoys thoroughly.

Now her friend is coming to move in with us and I am completely cool with it. However I have to converse with the female friend's Dad who is of course concerned when his only daughter (and youngest child) moves out of state and in with an already married couple and of course he will realize something is up when he's helping us move her stuff into the room that is currently occupied by the wife and I.

:eek: So please.. On this topic give me your thoughts, suggestions, etc. I could use a little help here. :eek:

AutumnalTone 05-12-2010 12:51 AM

I'd say the first thing to do is speak with her about what she's shared with her father and what she's comfortable sharing with her father.

LovingRadiance 05-12-2010 01:06 AM

I second autumn.

If it were MY father the answer would be simple-he ALREADY KNOWS so don't worry about it-just be yourself.

IF it were my sisters father it would be -just don't say anything about any topic deeper than the current weather.

IF it were GG's stepfather it would be -RUN just RUN the other way like Forrest Gump.

If it were Maca's father-It would be-dude you can't shock him, he's at least as kinky as the rest of us-don't worry about it, be yourself.

SO you need to ask her what the case is with HER father.

TheRainKing 05-13-2010 01:05 AM

So far from what I know of him the guy seems like a hard-ass. He does run a pornographic website though from what I understand but he is still very adamant about his morals which kinda throws me off a bit. I've never spoken with him personally to this point but from what I hear I don't want to. He's a yeller I hear and though that may intimidate some people, I'm 6'6" tall and just over 310 lbs so I'm not easily intimidated. Suggestions?

LovingRadiance 05-13-2010 02:06 AM

Sure, be a gracious host.
If he chooses not to act the gracious guest, then politely invite him to take his attitude outside with a gentle reprimand that "we don't allow that type of behavior in our home, I'm sure you'll understand."

IF he happens to try to refuse to exit, then firmly take his arm in hand and guide him out the door silently.

That generally makes it obvious to EVERYONE who is being the ass. ;)

TheRainKing 05-13-2010 02:20 AM

The Ass
The problem with being my size is that people can assume the ass is you and that you are being aggressive even when you're not. So I have insisted that every time I speak to her father either she or my wife is present. I don't want wild claims about what I've done or said to him to start. The problem with that is that I don't want the father to feel alienated or that the environment isn't casual at the same time. So I relax with him and let loose or I get uptight and censor every word. Not an easy choice.

Quath 05-14-2010 04:58 AM

I try to give the people the benefit of the doubt. I assume that they will be understanding and will be reasonable. Now, I know that is unrealistic, but it keeps me from sounding defensive. If they act up, I can go the route of showing that i tried to be nice.

There are probably a few things you can say that would resonate with him that may help things out. For example, if he starts asking about the living arrangement and acting uncomfortable, you could say that it is easy to be misjudged and he may understand when people judge him based on his line of work. Show that you want to make sure his daughter is happy in the arrangement.

If he starts to act up, try to be as patient as possible. You may have to deal with him far into the future. Just try not to burn bridges, but also don't act ashamed.

These situations are never easy, but what is most important is how your new wife feels about all of this. If the father acts up, it may hurt her if things get ugly.

TheRainKing 05-17-2010 02:12 AM

One day.
I think the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean. I think that she would feel ashamed or jealous and although I don't feel that way, I don't like to think that my own daughter would ever have to set her dignity aside. I would never ask my wife to give it up for another guy, plain and simple but then I'm not into guys so that wouldn't interest me sexually. The wife however is into women so maybe the situation is different in that regard. I guess what I mean to say is that I see where the father is coming from in his discomfort with the situation and although this was originally worked out between the g/f and the wife I think he's going to see me as the culprit and the cause of his discomfort. It would be hard not to I think as a man and a father see the large man as some sort of manipulator causing his daughter to enter into a romantic relationship with the large man and his wife.

This said I asked the g/f to explain the situation to him thoroughly and make sure there is no misunderstanding as to our arrangement. While he is here I have every intention of being respectful but at the same time I will do what is necessary to keep our dignity and integrity. Do I think polyamory is wrong? No. Do I think it is misinterpreted? Absolutely. People's morals and beliefs are largely due to nurturing and in this country that tells us that polyamory is wrong in most cases. Now keep in mind that my wife and I don't seek outside partners. Neither she nor I have been with anyone else until a few months ago for 6 1/2 years. This is all very new to us. We are very intimate and very close and we expect to bring the g/f into that intimacy with the agreement that there are no secrets, no betrayals. Now if that happens there will be a falling out that will be comparable to a domestic thermo-nuclear explosion but none of us foresee that as being an issue so I'm not concerned.

The father is someone that I'm not looking forward to dealing with but his wife (not the g/f's birth mother but has been dating her father for a year or so and is trusted) knows everything about our intentions and has been hinting at it to the father to sort of bring him slowly over to the idea but she has not outright told him and I think she was right not to. It wasn't really her place to do so.

So the plans have changed though and the g/f arrives tomorrow afternoon and although I'm excited there is this anxious foreshadowing that looms mysteriously in my mind. I have too much time to think. lol. She is coming with half of her things tomorrow and in a week or two her father and his g/f will arrive with the other half and that's when we will all be having the talk and they will be staying for dinner after everything is unloaded. Has anyone had 'this talk' with their in-laws? Anything anyone can suggest to lighten the load a bit and soften the mood before things are revealed? Any suggestions by those with experience would be very appreciated and those that have already been given are appreciated as well.

jasminegld 05-17-2010 04:25 PM

Are you connected to a local poly community? Or to a church that would accept your triad? Or any kind of community that will accept your gf?

Introduce the gf's dad to wonderful people who know all three of you and think everything is fine and will be watching out for the welfare of all three of you the way that all communities do for their people. Then the gf's dad will know she has people she can turn to if she needs them.


Originally Posted by TheRainKing (Post 29906)
...this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean. I think that she would feel ashamed or jealous and although I don't feel that way, I don't like to think that my own daughter would ever have to set her dignity aside.

Most of us start with all this monogamous thinking ingrained in us from our culture and our upbringing. It takes time and practice to think in a different way. For religious people, it helps to find a supportive religious community and minister.

Ariakas 05-17-2010 04:41 PM


Originally Posted by TheRainKing (Post 29906)
I think the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that this isn't what I would want for my daughter, a polyamorous relationship I mean.

ummm...I am honestly not sure what to say about this. You are in a poly relationship thats working, honest and you don't want your kids to get involved.

In my world thats a serious mindfuck...(excuse the language people :))

How are you, as the bf, ever going to convince or talk to the father of your gf and fully expect him to accept and understand the relationship structure his daughter is in when you aren't convinced of it yourself.

I would think the first question out of his mouth would be "what would you think if it was your daughter"...

I think I have been shocked and awed...:o I really wish you the best of luck with your talk...I hope it works out. :)...

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