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-   -   Opp (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27606)

newbie1 08-30-2012 03:21 PM

Okay - so apparently my husband has instituted a OPP - is this fair? At first I was okay with this arrangement but now that I see that he has no problems with other women and I have no problems with other women - why can't I have another guy then?

My hubs is very jealous - very double standard. I once brought it up about maybe having a boy friend and he said if I did that - that we would get divorced. Now here is my thing - he is the one who is poly - and over the years I have adjusted and accepted this as a lifestyle I want...but I haven't left him or divorced him when he makes love to another woman - why this double standard.

I am wondering if he in fact does not understand what Poly is....and maybe this is him just getting what he wants...which is not fair to me. Now all that being said - I am perfectly comfortable having a GF and have not even talked to another man - but what if I want to?

Any other OPP people out there?

MusicalRose 08-30-2012 03:44 PM

I'm a little behind on some terminology. What does OPP stand for?

newbie1 08-30-2012 03:54 PM

One Penis Policy :)

MusicalRose 08-30-2012 04:08 PM

Ah. I suppose if it started out with just both of you able to get other girls, then it makes sense if he is slow to warm up to the idea of you with another man, but it doesn't really make sense if he isn't willing to consider it at all and bars it forever.

I think that you probably picked a good time to start talking about it, when you don't have another male on the wings waiting to see if it is okay or not that is putting pressure on you to put pressure on your husband. If it is something you feel that you might want as an egalitarian part of your relationship, it is a good idea to start hashing it out before it becomes immanent and while you can give him a little bit of time to mull it over after letting him know it is really something you want.

Ultimately only you can decide what you are comfortable with, but if you are uncomfortable with a double standard, be prepared to have some headbutting and maybe even some counseling in your future if he has never had to challenge or work on his own jealousy issues regarding other males. It is something you want to probably approach delicately, but firmly and let him know it is something you expect him to seriously consider rather than just dismissing it out of hand or jumping to divorce as the first option.

newbie1 08-30-2012 04:24 PM

I have been finding it difficult for me to communicate with my spouse. He has it in his head that he only wants to include another female. The last one we got involved with was straight - hence my thinking perhaps I should be allowed to have a "friend" of my own since he obviously didn't stick to the "rules" he himself created. He said he wanted me and a bi girl for us to form a triad of a family. However it didn't seem to mind that the girl we had had a relationship was not bi - and I was left being rejected by her and I felt also betrayed by him for not protecting me.

I guess with this poly life style I am realizing that there are many different forms of relationships....and there will always be some form of jealousy - and I have had to deal with it - I feel that he should learn to deal with it as well if i wanted to have another man in my life.

I guess I am just venting here really - trying to figure out what is "right" and what is "wrong"....

MusicalRose 08-30-2012 04:29 PM

It does seem like he violated the agreements you made in the first place. If him having another partner makes it feel unfair to you if you aren't able to have one, then it seems like something that needs to be brought up. You are obviously not in a triad right now, you are in a V. Perhaps this is something you need to revisit with him. Remind him of what you agreed to in the first place and mention that you are not comfortable with him having a woman outside of your relationship that isn't involved with both of you if you aren't also able to have relationships uninvolved with him, be they male or female.

It IS a double standard and if that isn't something you are comfortable with, you shouldn't have to fall in line with it just because he is a little uncomfortable. Some people like having mono/poly combinations, but it doesn't seem like something you really want to do. He wants to have fun and make you do all the personal work to be comfortable with what he is doing, but he doesn't want to do any personal work himself and is restricting you and your potential relationships because of it. It isn't balanced and it isn't fair.

nycindie 08-30-2012 04:32 PM

No, of course a one penis policy is not fair. It is quite juvenile and inconsiderate.

The language you used in your post, that your husband instituted the policy and you went along with it, sounds like he's the boss of you. Where is the partnership, negotiation among equals? Are you his underling just meant to obey him or his spouse and partner who stands at his side with your own say in all matters? Take a stance and renegotiate, but do not kowtow to his falsely assumed position of authority over you. If he wants a divorce because you want to stand up for yourself, hell, maybe you'd be better off. Remember, YOU are the boss of you. You've been acquiescing to what he wants, but what about your own wants, needs, desires, voice, autonomy? Where did you go?

Sheesh, what crap women will put up with!

newbie1 08-30-2012 05:37 PM

Thank you for the input - I think that this whole "experience" has made me feel more of an object to him rather than a person who has feelings and needs as well. We have been together for 13 years - i never really dated before meeting him as I was just 19 years old so I have more or less "trained" It is my fault for allowing that to happen I realize now. I just so much wanted to make him happy that now - I am unsure if he wants me to be happy since my main focus has been his happiness and not my own.

Perhaps the timing was wrong to have this V of a relationship - or perhaps it happened for a reason - maybe that reason is for me to finally stand up to him and tell him what I feel I should be able to have - emotionally physically and what I am and am not comfortable with.

This I think though is why I am openly Bi now after many years of suppressing it because I realize that it doesn't matter if I am with a man or a woman I just need to know that it is committed and that it is a partnership....

Only time will tell what will happen....but it feels so good to be able to vent and put everything out there and to have input given to me because I think sometimes we wrap ourselves up inside our own little worlds that we don't fully understand what is happening. It is nice to have a group of people I can connect with on all of these feelings that I am having. Goodness knows that i can not talk to my friends about any of this.....they do not understand how I can let my husband date....and they judge me and him....

Avatar 08-30-2012 06:32 PM

I think the others have said most of what I would, but I'd like to hear more. A few questions, if I may.

How does a new girl come along in your relationship with your husband? Does he bring them around, you bring them, both? What if your or your husband doesn't like the new girl? Or what if the new girl likes only you, and not so much your husband? Sorry, trying to understand the dynamics and mechanics of your relationship.

newbie1 08-30-2012 06:41 PM

This is the first time this has happened to us. And he actually had liked her for a long time - he would point her out to me when we would be out - prior to discussing having a poly style relationship - then when he went out alone - he got her phone number - texted/talked etc. Told her he was poly - but not the fact that I am bi. I ended up getting rather upset because 1 he hid her phone number from me 2 he lied to me when I asked when he got her phone number 3 was talking to her a lot behind my back. So it started off shady to begin with.

He says he would be okay with me having a lesbian lover - but he would still expect to be part of that relationship. So this again leaves me lost - because he was perfectly fine "macking" it up with this one girl that he had liked and brought home and I friended her - did things with her for her that I wouldn't have done had I known that she only was interested in my husband.

I think he didn't fully explain the situation to her which is his fault. He is the initiator I guess is what I am saying. Me I am quiet and shy - but do have girl friends that i do not want him involved with and he talks about them a lot and how he wants to be with them and make it work.

It makes me feel like I am pimping my friends out to him and that I can't really have any of my female friends over because I know that all he wants to do is well it with them. Ugh...I really think that him saying he is poly is just an excuse to have flings ...and I have no desire to have flings....too much emotionally damage done by this experience we are getting out of.

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