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-   -   Three strikes.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27572)

punkrockmomma 08-29-2012 11:56 PM

Three strikes....
 
I'm grieving pretty damn hard right now.

Things have been hunky dory over the last few weeks with my sweeties. Boundaries have been respected, a commitment to stabilizing our relationship was made, I've been feeling good.

To be slammed in the face again.

My female partner met some dude for the first time off of Fetlife yesterday, and performed oral sex on him. She told neither our male partner or me about this til after the fact. This is dangerous, unsafe behaviour!!!Not just in regards to STI's, but what if something happened to her?!

She wants to work on our relationship agreement, to make sure everyone's desires are met so we don't stray. I'm frightened, I don't want to write an agreement that for me would simply become about protecting myself from this kind of behaviour.

We are talking on Friday, their belongings are packed in the meantime. My head can't wrap itself around a way to make this better at the moment.

MusicalRose 08-30-2012 12:21 AM

I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to post and say that I'm sorry you are going through something like that. It is scary and not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I hope that things work out for the best for you, whatever form that might take.

opalescent 08-30-2012 01:39 AM

I assume you mean unprotected oral sex? Did y'all agree on letting the others know if there was a potential sexual partner on the horizon? If so, well crap. I'm sorry. And even if my assumptions aren't right, still frustrating.

GalaGirl 08-30-2012 03:29 AM

I'm sorry.

It sucks that you partner wants to play unsafe and not in keeping to your agreements. Not playing like a Jedi there. :(

GG

BoringGuy 08-30-2012 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by punkrockmomma (Post 151311)

She wants to work on our relationship agreement, to make sure everyone's desires are met so we don't stray. I'm frightened, I don't want to write an agreement that for me would simply become about protecting myself from this kind of behaviour.

She did this, now wants to "work on the agreement" so "we don't stray?"

The person who fucked up is worried about the other(s) fucking up now? And you "working on the agreement" is supposed to keep her from fucking up again?

Explain to us all what that means so you can see yourself say it.

Now, does it make any sense to you?

How about just agreeing to something then following through?

You being frightened is your body's way of telling you this is some serious fucked-up shit and you need to get yourself to higher ground before the big wave hits.

punkrockmomma 08-30-2012 04:44 AM

BoringGuy,

Thank you.

Responsible respectful behaviour is common sense, an agreement should no have to be constructed to keep one in line.

GalaGirl 08-30-2012 05:08 AM

Common sense isn't common.

She is not tending to her responsibility to care for "Your own and your partner's health" in my universe. She'd be putting my physical, emotional, and mental safety in danger. Thanks for giving me this burden, partner! Swell!

Again, I am so sorry. :(

You write it like 3 strikes -- so are you breaking up?

GG

punkrockmomma 08-30-2012 09:08 PM

I said I would review what she wants for the relationship agreement tomorrow when we meet, but that was all I would commit to at this moment. In the meantime, their stuff is still packed.

We all committed to stabilizing our relationship before putting anyone else in the mix. And what she did goes way above and beyond that.

I think most people who saw this right now, would run to the hills. I know my head and heart are certainly there.

Glitter 08-30-2012 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 151372)
Common sense isn't common.

This! So true! What should be obvious, isn't to most people. Maybe she needs it said and or written down, so she understands that is what you want.

Regardless, this is uncool :(

punkrockmomma 08-30-2012 10:39 PM

She wants the relationship agreement written now, because she strayed, because she said her desires have not been met.

I have no experience with writing a relationship agreement whatsoever. I did write down a bunch of stuff that was important to me....but I didn't think outlining that you can't hook up with a dude off of a very sexual website, when you committed to sorting out our relationship was something I *had* to do.

Yes, it seems that common sense is not common.

Here lies another issue that just cropped up.....it was forgotten that it is my partner's one year anniversary tomorrow. They have decided to work on things ( a convo I was not a part of ). We had plans to review the relationship agreement tomorrow.....now it's being said that they aren't sure when they have time free now.....


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