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-   -   Need help please! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27555)

Panda 08-29-2012 06:30 PM

Need help please!

I have some serious questions that I hope you can help me with.

I am a straight 20 year old guy.

I met my girlfriend through a mutual friend.

When I started to have feelings for this girl I asked her if she was seeing anyone.

She told me that she was not but that she was pansexual.
I didn't really understand what that was, so I looked it up and basically deduced that it meant that she loves people for their hearts not their parts. I told her I was cool with that.

She told me that our mutual friend was her girlfriend and that their relationship was "interesting". That's all she told me.
I assumed that this relationship was in the past, our mutual friend lives in a different province where my girlfriend used to live until a few months ago when she moved here.

Now I see my girlfriend talking online about how she's polyamorous. She tells people she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She talks about it as if the other girl is definitely still a romantic and sexual partner, or will be when the other girl moves here where we are.

Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.

I am a virgin. My girlfriend is my first serious girlfriend. She's sexually and romantically experienced with men and women, which I don't mind at all.

But I thought she and I were going to be exclusive. That is the only kind of relationship I want. Especially since this is my first relationship.

I love her very deeply. She says she loves me too. Everything is perfect EXCEPT for the fact that whenever I hear about her relationship with the other girl I feel like I'm being kicked in the guts.

She's coming over for the long weekend. We live about 2 hours away from each other and I work full time so we only see each other on weekends.

I am so nervous about talking to her about how I feel about her polyamory. I don't want to lose her but also I don't want to give her an ultimatum, like it's me or the other girl. I don't have any romantic feelings whatsoever for our mutual friend whom I've known for quite a while and I know I never will.

What should I do? I respect my girlfriends ideas, but I also wonder if the polyamory is only something she's doing because our friend talked her into it because our friend (who is older than us and has been poly for quite a while) told her it is the way to be.

I just turned 20 and my girlfriend is 19.

I'm just feeling sick over this. I love this girl so much, but I can't share her with another romantic or sexual relationship that she seems keen to continue to pursue.

I need to know what to do by the weekend when she comes here.

Please help me.


MusicalRose 08-29-2012 09:36 PM

Honestly, I would definitely confront her with your feelings about it. It doesn't sound like she has been honest or up front with you, and if you were under the impression that you were going to be exclusive or monogamous, then it is completely unfair and dishonest of her to call herself polyamorous and to date or mess around with other people.

If poly is something she wanted to explore with you, she should have brought it up to you and discussed it, rather than just having another relationship on the side behind your back.

She may not be ready or willing to have a monogamous relationship, and you need to be prepared for that if it happens. If poly isn't something you think you could ever be interested in, then don't do it just so you can stay with this girl. It can and most likely will lead to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment.

Panda 08-29-2012 10:38 PM

Thank you Musical Rose.

Yes, I did not understand what pansexual or polyamory was so when I said ok I didn't know what I was saying ok to. But I really thought from what she said that she and the other girl were in the past.

I thought that she and I were now a couple. Now from what she says to the other girl online I see that they're still together, so what am I? 5th wheel? I know I would never want any romance with the other girl, she's a good friend but there are no other feelings.

And I know that I feel so hurt thinking of my girlfriend being intimate with another person. Even though I know with poly that she can love both of us, it just doesn't seem, at least at this time, like something I can handle.

As I mentioned this is my first real relationship, I want my first time sexually to be special. Maybe old fashioned for a guy but I'm an old fashioned gentleman even though I'm only 20.

She's staying the weekend so I think this is something I have to talk to her about when she first arrives. Otherwise I will be too stressed all weekend.

I really love her, and I know I have to prepare myself for the worst case, that she will say that she will always want other intimate relationships and can't be exclusive to me. Sigh...

Thank you for listening and for your advice.


SNeacail 08-29-2012 10:55 PM


Originally Posted by Panda (Post 151291)
As I mentioned this is my first real relationship, I want my first time sexually to be special. Maybe old fashioned for a guy but I'm an old fashioned gentleman even though I'm only 20.

I'm confused by this statement, unless what you really wanted to say, is that you can't feel special if she loves this other girl also.


Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.
For some reason it sounds like you think your gf expects you to be sexual with both of them. I highly doubt this would ever be the case.

You and your gf need to do some serious communicating. You both seem to have made a lot of assumptions. I'll bet she thought you understood that when she said "pansexual" she really meant... and you assumed this other girl was in the past without getting clarification. Since your here on the board, do some tag searches on communicating and mono/poly type relationship. There is a great deal of information that is essential to ANY relationship format. At least when it comes time to walk away because you KNOW you can't share your gf with anyone, then it won't be a decision you took lightly without some research.

Panda 08-29-2012 11:36 PM

Thank you for your reply Sneacali.

I see that I didn't explain myself well at all in the first statement you mention.

What I mean is that I would hope that the person with whom I choose to be intimate with would want the same sort of relationship that I do, that we would be committed and possibly in the future consider marriage and a maybe a child.

So if it ended up that my first time was with someone who didn't feel able to at least think of this as a possibility then it would kind of not be a good thing for me.

Not that I can't feel special if she loves the other girl, but that I would feel bad if I was just "another person" and not the only person she would be intimate with. If her relationship with the other girl is friendly love I'm great with it, but if it's still sexual then I'm not comfortable with it.

Not to be disrespectful to people who are poly, I have nothing against it, it's just not for me. Like I don't care for football but I have nothing against people who do and I respect them.

I also did not communicate well about my feelings with her and the other girl.

I'm very confused right now. Very very confused. Sorry.

I could not be romantic with the other girl, no, but also I could not handle if we did end up married or living together and she wanted the other girl to move in with us and she wanted to be with the girl intimately, even if it was without me.

I'm just a confused mess. I only found out about the polyamory this week, by reading her tweets on the internet. We haven't spoken about it and I'm just nervous about how to bring it up without hurting her and I am also sad that this may end the relationship that she and I have.

When I said I'm an old fashioned gentleman I mean I want the regular relationship thing. One girl, hopefully forever, a family and that sort of thing. To be a couple. Nothing to do with religion, I'm agnostic. Just my personal ideas of what I want for my life.

I guess that's why she's my first real relationship. Most girls these days don't want that. Sad face. They want to be casual. Or, something new I just learned, some are poly.

I guess I have a lot to learn about relationships.

Thank you for your help.

Sad Panda

Panda 08-29-2012 11:39 PM

oh, and I did search around for other posts about situations like mine but I couldn't find any. :(

MusicalRose 08-29-2012 11:54 PM

There is nothing wrong with wanting a more traditional style of relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend hasn't been quite honest with you and that isn't fair. I know you don't want to hurt her, but she did set herself, and more importantly you, up for a lot of hurt by not being forthcoming from the beginning. She has a fault in this, and it isn't your job to protect her from the consequences of that mistake.

I'm very sorry that your first introduction to the idea of poly is a situation like this.

Panda 08-30-2012 12:24 AM

Thank you Musical Rose.

I guess she thought that since I said I was fine with Pansexuality that I meant I was fine with everything else. When I asked her what pansexuality was she only told me that it means she can love men or women. I thought it was kinda like being bi, and then I looked it up and thought it meant that she was more into emotional intimacy than physical, I just got confused but thought that she only had one relationship at a time.

The poly stuff I only found out by reading her twitter that she posts publicly, not @ me.

I will have to ask her why she didn't come right out and tell me at the start when I asked if she was seeing anyone that she was poly. Or ever bring it up to me. Or tell me that she still considers herself in a relationship with the other girl. Maybe she knew I was old fashioned in romance and would not want to be her boyfriend. I don't know.

She's told me she's had a few boyfriends and girlfriends, and that the other girl was even engaged to someone else when they were together - and I assumed they were over with - she would not give me any details but to say it was a complicated relationship. And at no time did she tell me that it's still going on, and to find out about it on twitter makes me feel really awful.

She doesn't know that I know about the poly stuff. Or I don't think she does, maybe she mentioned it and I thought she was talking about pansexuality. I had never heard of either pan or poly before. So I may have got confused. Maybe she did mention it and I didn't know what she was talking about. I'm quite dyslexic and have auditory processing delay. That can cause oral communication problems for me.

She is arriving on Friday afternoon while I'm at work, my mom will be picking her up. I guess I will talk to her Friday evening when I get home. I hope it doesn't go bad, because she's taking a greyhound bus here and is staying until Tuesday, so if it goes bad it will be really awkward since her buses are already booked.

I'm just really really really confused about the whole thing. And scared.

Thank you for your help.

Confuzzled Panda:confused:

snowmelt 08-30-2012 01:02 AM

Sounds like there is a lot of confusion between the two of you right now. In your post, you said you want to clear things up, and you want to start to do that the moment she arrives for the weekend. That's great.

Tell her everything you feel and ask her how she feels about everything. I would not put so much emphasis on the fact that she is your first relationship. I would focus on getting to know her, and letting her get to know you. Treat it like an adventure.

You sound nervous, but overall your attitude is wonderful. Relationships are an ongoing process. This weekend will not be the last time you will want to clear things up with someone. Focus on opening your heart to her. Give her the chance to open hers to you. See where that takes you.

GalaGirl 08-30-2012 03:35 AM


  • I assumed that this relationship was in the past
  • Now I see my girlfriend talking online about how she's polyamorous. She tells people she has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She talks about it as if the other girl is definitely still a romantic and sexual partner, or will be when the other girl moves here where we are.
  • Big problem. I don't want to be in a poly relationship with her and the other girl.

Now you have learned NOT to assume in relationships.
You have learned to ask for details and to ask what your partner is seeking.
You have learned to state very clearly what YOU are seeking.
You have learned when things come up -- you need to go to your partner and go -- "so wassup with....?"

So catch it up NOW before you go further. Speak your truth and clearly state your wants, needs, and limits. Ask her what she wants, needs, and what are her limits.

And if it isn't a match up, part ways. Fast and CLEAN. Then see about being good friends as exes.

You BOTH deserve happiness in the way you want your relationships to come. You are also both young.

Life is long, and it isn't all pinned on your first serious relationship though it may feel intense. It can be -- but sometimes it's largely because it is the first time these things are felt. You gain perspective over time... and really? It's all going to be ok. You always get to learn new things in your relationships and it helps you to grow in relationship skills. So it isn't a loss -- you become more YOU.

Just remember to Speak Your Truth so you can sort yourselves out.

It is nobody's fault it's not a matching. That is WHY it is dating. Seekers are seeking.

Hang in there!


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