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-   -   Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2753)

vandalin 07-15-2009 12:57 AM

Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion
Being new to the Poly lifestyle and ideas, although they seem to be coming rather naturally to me, I was curious how everyone deals with and achieves compersion, besides communication that is. Communication is the cornerstone in all relationships but even more so in poly and open relationships. But sometimes you can talk to a person until they are blue in the face and they have yet to understand what you are saying and meaning.

So how do you or your S.O.'s achieve compersion?

*I hope this makes sense*

foxflame88 07-15-2009 04:31 AM

For me personally, I didn't have to "achieve" compersion.... it just IS for me. Compersion actually comes as easily to me as breathing.

Sunshinegrl 07-15-2009 05:39 AM

I feel Alot like Alli.. It comes naturally. I love the fact that those I love and desire also love and desire each other. I feel a complete forfilment.

vandalin 07-15-2009 05:44 AM

Thanks for the replies.

Ok, let me add on... I know that for some it comes naturally. I feel for me it might although it hasn't come up yet. But how about those who it doesn't come naturally for? Say the S.O. who agrees to open their relationship up but not partake in the "openness". They need to "find" compersion and although we'd love to believe that it comes as easily as "I want you to be happy" would, it probably doesn't.

So was it just as easy for your partner(s) to feel compersion? For the non-poly side of a poly relation, does it just "come naturally" or did you have to work on it and if so, anything in particular that helped you/them?

tigrrrlily 07-15-2009 03:30 PM

What's compersion, please?

Mark1npt 07-15-2009 08:06 PM

Compersion is not an issue for me. Earlier in life it may have been, but at this stage whatever pleases my spouse is fine with me. But then again, I'm more easily the poly one in the house! My mono wife was unaware of the word and it's meaning til I recently gave her info on it. A book is also on the way to her, too!

To strictly trained, society molded monogomists, tight control over one's spouse is very ingrained. My wife has always given me the freedom in our life together, to make decisions, undertake challenges, travel extensively and live freely, within the confines of our marriage (monogomy), knowing she was completely secure in her place. Going poly however, has really challenged her. I am hopeful that as we discuss the topic of compersion (living with my other love in this "V" with her secure) that she will be able to experience this 3 way love in the same way, that she has with other topics at other times in our marriage. She really wants me to be happy. I want to be happy. Our 3rd loves seeing both of us happy and we complete her life. It should be a "win-win-win" for everybody. I hope so.

vandalin 07-15-2009 08:11 PM


Originally Posted by tigrrrlily (Post 2842)
What's compersion, please?

According to http://www.lovemore.com/terms.html

Compersion n 1: taking joy or pleasure in someone else’s joy, pleasure or happiness 2: feeling joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's.

NeonKaos 07-15-2009 08:59 PM

I don't know if this is compersion or not, but I sort of wish that my husband would "experience" more relationships of an intimate nature because I'm the only really serious relationship he has had so far. Maybe he is more like Mono and he doesn't want to be with anyone else besides me... so I wouldn't want him to do that unless it's what he wants for himself.

vandalin 07-15-2009 09:24 PM

YGirl: I think compersion would be when you are happy whether or not he is having other relationships, as long as he is happy. Also it might depend on the type of relationships you have/share. Compersion would be when he is happy when you are happily with someone else and he is ok with it or vice versa. So the last part of your post would fit well with compersion.

Of course, please tell me if I'm getting this wrong. I am new to the concept.

NeonKaos 07-15-2009 09:28 PM

It sounds right; it's a new vocabulary word for me too.

My husband and I have an eerily effortless relationship and sometimes I take that for granted. The rest of the time, it's like, "if it ain't broken, why break it just so you can fix it".

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