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-   -   Learning compersion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2753)

chg2winter 05-10-2010 04:36 PM

Learning compersion
I believe that compersion - the joy we have when our partner experiences joy - is often something we learn (instead of something we are born with).

What has been good tools for you to learn compersion?


Ariakas 05-10-2010 04:47 PM

hmmmm...I learned compersion by being dragged kicking and screaming into accepting it. I had to do a lot of self reflection, introspection and communication to get there. I still fail at it sometimes, but I know the "why" or my stumbles. For me, so far, it was like a boxing match between jealousy and compersion with me as the ref...

My compersion isn't related to poly however, as the person I feel compersion for is not involved with me...I have learned to be joyful for her when she is happy or with others.

poiyt 05-10-2010 06:25 PM

I agree with ariakas...

I was totally kicking and screaming at first...and it took a lot of self exploration. I still sometimes, more frequently than I would like, have those pangs of jealousy that I have to focus on and deal with...or just completely ignore and do something else. There are still times where I cannot feel compersion even when I really want to.

redpepper 05-10-2010 08:36 PM

I agree with the other posters. I was not accustomed to compersion because of how I was raised. Now I am teaching my son so that he will always have it.

LovingRadiance 05-10-2010 10:39 PM


I find it comes naturally to me and that makes it difficult for me to define "how do you learn it".

For me it's a Nike kind of thing, "just do it"..

Some of the deepest arguments we've had around here were because of this exact issue.

I find in myself that it's impossible for me not to be happy when someone else is happy. Even if something horrible is going on, in the moment I'm considering their happiness, I'm happy.

rpcrazy 05-10-2010 11:49 PM

my compersion comes from a place of love. It's not like i always had it. But, meditating on these kinds of ideas and logics, i realized that compersion is apart of unconditional love. In opposition to compersion is selfishness. And so, I would work towards to the greater ideal. When I was in a 4-some i drew on this ideal, this logic. And it made me so much happier, quelling any feelings of jealousy. Sometimes i (soft) swing now, and it's the same thing. I often laugh or smile when she moans and i have nothing to do with it. :/ My examples were sexual, but i'm speaking of all compersion.

Mohegan 05-11-2010 01:55 AM

It's been really hard for the people who have known us to understand how my husband and I have the relationship we have. We have often been described as "the strongest marriage I have ever seen". I think compersion has a lot to do with that. I love my husband for everything he is. His happiness is nourishment to my soul. So sharing his happiness with someone else makes me happy.

Even given our recent developments this works for us. I think compersion is actually how we are getting through it.

idealist 05-11-2010 03:00 AM

For me, compersion results from a underlying concept of Abundance rather than the perception that things are limited.

I have come to believe that things like love, lovers, chemistry and charisma (to name a few) are abundantly available as long as we are open to experiencing them.

This concept has helped me in running a business also, since I do not feel threatened by my competition. There is enough business to go around for everyone!! Sure, the market changes and the economy affects things, so you have to be open and flexible, but the abundant availability of things still seems to prevail.

There is enough love available for everyone. There is enough pleasure available for everyone. It's just a matter of expecting it and being able to experience these things when the opportunities arise!

Honestheart 05-11-2010 03:59 AM

yeah i have to agree with a lot of people on her...it just came naturally. it is most definitely sumthing you can teach, but i also think it takes a special kind of heart to accept that teaching.... our society and our upbringing
are very self centered these days and as such it is difficult to experience, teach, and accept this type of thing...

Honestheart 05-11-2010 04:00 AM

for those wondering what we are talking about (although seems like we all have got a handle on this"

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