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-   -   Finally admitting it to myself (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2749)

texaschick 05-10-2010 03:23 AM

Finally admitting it to myself
Hello there!

I'm a 40 year straight female. I have been in a very stable happy relationship for 20 years (married for 17 of those years) with a mono man. In the last year and a half I have been involved in a polyamorous relationship with a long term friend of mine and my husbands. This is all with my husband's knowledge and permission.

The first ten months of so I felt extremely guilty.I ran the full range of emotions. I had many days of self hatred and depression because of it. Why couldn't I give my friend up. What kind of wife am I. Why is my husband so understanding. Before doing internet research I had never even heard of polyamory. When I did hear about it, it's like a lightbulb went off. I was not a freak, not involved in something ultimately wrong. It's perfectly normal for some people. I can't tell you how much of a relief this was.

My friend & I live our own lives (he lives 70 miles away) and he has a girlfriend. However,we share a deep connection as friends & as lovers. This in no way harms my marriage or takes away from it. It actually makes me appreciate my husband more. My husband and I have discussed the poly angle in depth and he feels he is not, but he supports me in it. I have not fully discussed it with my friend, but we both acknowledge we are both poly. I have not 'came out' to our other friends because I feel there might be some judgement. However, in the mean time I'm extremely happy to know I have something that many people do not have the mindset to allow themselves to have.

Thanks for reading and for having this great community to share with.

Moonglow 05-10-2010 05:04 AM


Welcome here. I have joined not too long ago. I am in a similar relationship. I hope you find everyone here as supportive and helpful as I have. I too am struggling with some of the same challenges you have described. Welcome!


SourGirl 05-10-2010 02:36 PM

Welcome !
Welcome to the board. Sounds like you have a very special husband, and a very special friend.

Enjoy what feels right, and leave doubt in other, less capable hands ! :)

Ariakas 05-10-2010 04:31 PM

Welcome to the board :)

idealist 05-10-2010 11:16 PM

Welcome!!! It does feel good to finally accept and embrace the lifestyle which is so different from what we are taught!!

LostNoMore 05-11-2010 04:39 AM


KatTails 05-12-2010 02:49 AM

Welcome texaschick - you will find a lot of great advice, support and opinions on here!

Best of luck - Kat

texaschick 05-12-2010 03:49 AM

Thanks for the replies. I've been really taking it slowly the past four or five months and trying not to make my secondary relationship more than what it is. I do love him, but in a different way than I love my husband.

We don't talk every day, we don't see each other but a few times a month. However, for me that is enough. I know we have a connection. Some day it might be more than it is now. For right now, I'm in an extremely happy place.

I learned not to pressure him (he's twice divorced and a little rebellious when it comes to relationships) because it only makes things awkward. I find accepting him as he is and not expecting him to be all wine, roses, and knight in shining armor makes it much easier.

The only really awkward angle since he and I have figured it out (my husband had it figured out from day one.. lucky him) is our mutual group of friends. It takes a lot of work on my part to hide it from them. He's pretty good at it, and sometimes it hurts my feelings how good he is at it. I think they would understand to some degree, but it would definitely bring down judgement from one or two people (perhaps even feelings of jealousy from one of my married female friends).

I don't know if this will be a permanent thing or not. I know our friendship will be. If we decided to end the sexual aspect of our friendship then I will cross that bridge when it comes. I know that some people's attitudes are that anyone who looks outside their marriage for something is not happy. That is definitely not the case here. He just fufills a different role in my life and enriches it. For right now I'm happy that I'm able to open my heart to more than one relationship without jeprodizing my wonderful marriage. Thanks again for welcoming me.

idealist 05-12-2010 11:21 PM

Good for you !! Sounds like things are great !!

Your group of friends will probably shift in time. Hopefully to a group where you don't have to hide things from them. Friends are people who support us and love us right where we are. If your friends can't accept what's going on with you, then maybe it's time to begin to find some who will. Chances are, a lot of them would be more supportive than you think. Too bad that you feel like you have to hide things from them. :(

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