Street Signs and Urban Prophets (ksandra's blog)
Normally I don't write blogs or at least I'm not very good at them but with the sheer amount of things happening lately I feel like maybe it's a good time to start. I'd like to start with a little bit of history about how I came here (I know there's a biography post so maybe I will copy and paste).
I am in my early mid-twenties. I've known I am poly my whole life, my barbies always had numerous lovers and they weren't always Ken dolls. I identify as pansexual since for me it is more about the person than their appearance, age, gender etc. A year and a half ago I met my current primary, T around the time I was starting at university. (I was studying theatre at a Toronto University and will soon be studying in Montreal) He was the first person I ever considered being monogamous with happily, however he encouraged me to date other people since he wasn't ready to settle down yet. So I did date another person who was in an open relationship with his girlfriend, we'll call him R. I later found out R and T were close friends and it wrecked any hope T had of considering an open relationship of any sorts. It also messed things up between him and R, and threw R and I into a very emotionally close relationship though nothing has developed beyond friendship since at T's request.
Since then T and I have worked on building his confidence back up to an open relationship with baby steps, lots of love and many arguments. Now we are finally on the fulcrum of being where we agreed we wanted to be a year and a half ago and I am so proud of him and grateful to have such a wonderful, open minded man in my life. As of today T has a casual relationship with a girl named M and occasionally a man named S. We almost ended up in a triad with a man last year though things never worked out and now we are all friends instead. There is another man on our periphery named E that things are...not so straightforward with and I have started to very cautiously date a man named J. All of these people are in our lives for the moment and we are still working things out between each other and where each of these people stand with us.
I decided to start a blog because I need somewhere where I can unravel my emotions and thoughts on my connection with each of these people, some more than others and it feels like there have been a lot lately. In particular with E and M, mostly E at the moment but I wanted to talk about M for a second. She and T meet up every few weeks and at first it was just for physical pleasure but I think lately they have been trying things out with each other and exploring a lot more. There are things T enjoys that I am not remotely comfortable with or even interested in trying that I know M enjoys and I am happy they have that outlet with each other. Occasionally I have moments where I feel like I have not done my job as a girlfriend since he still has unfulfilled fantasies, but honestly I have tried fulfilling them and it was not a good experience. So if M likes that then I don't have to worry about him trying to get it from me. It's funny how sometimes small things trip you up though. Last night I was having a party at my house that T and M were both at and I jokingly bit T's ear (I have a very physically comfortable group of friends, they're almost all dancers and performers who have zero to no personal space so even if this sounds weird it's the type of thing we do) knowing that it is a very erogenous zone for T since he has told me on numerous occasions it's basically his on button. However, I wasn't really thinking about that as I was doing it, just making a joke. All the same M saw me bite him and quietly went "Uh oh, that's his ear". It completely caught me offguard for a few moments and I'm not sure why. Maybe I wasn't aware how well they had gotten to know each other or how comfortable they were with each other. Regardless I had to disappear into the kitchen and take a few moments to just talk to myself and remind myself that that really is not a big deal and it wasn't a secret between T and me anyway. All the same it's funny. I know they sleep together and they talk and do things that T and I don't do and I am totally fine with all of that, however one mention of his ear and I was sideswiped. I asked T later and he mentioned how they had been talking about erogenous zones a long time ago and we laughed it off. All the same does anyone ever find that little insignificant things like that can totally derail them sometimes?
No. I, however, am old and fully understand that anybody with whom I get involved is going to have a history with others and may be making a history with others--it's been this way for enough years that I don't even notice much of that sort of thing.
Which is a roundabout way of saying that it's new and out-of-the ordinary for you now and in time it will be completely normal. Weather the little storms with grace and they'll stop blowing up soon enough.
The Goddess Said To The Mortal
Rereading what I wrote derail is too strong a term. It wasn't a huge emotional impact more like something I wasn't expecting. But it is good to hear that it is eventually something I will get completely used to.
I wanted to discuss another issue, motif that I've been investigating lately, which is my relationship with E. Officially he is a very good friend of T and me but under that there has been a ridiculously strong attraction that I have had for him for almost the entire two years I have known him. He is someone with whom I have a huge amount of chemistry I feel but is also someone who I usually feel extremely comfortable around. This is something I have trouble with around most people since I can be very hard on myself and a little socially anxious. E and I have connected on many different levels and there is a pretty strong possibility that I have deeper feelings for him but I am not ready to address those yet, in part because I am so content with how our relationship is at the moment.
T and E are also very close and I know that they are very open with each other and find a lot of comfort in that. Lately they have both been talking about being attracted to each other though neither of them are terribly experienced with men though they both identify as bisexual. They have also said that because they have been friends for over five years, E was T's residence don when they were in university at one point, it is a question of finding where the line between friend and lover? (not sure if that's the right word yet) can be crossed or doesn't exist. I think they are negotiating this but I am trying to give them room to talk things out and I know one of them will update me if anything important comes up or if they need to talk things out.
In January T, E and I had a threesome and it was...probably the most fun I have had in this kind of situation ever. We have all agreed that we would like this to continue but E was living in Detroit (he's back now but very busy). Since T and I are moving away in August this gives a bit of a narrow timeframe but I am not pushing for anything. Mostly I am content to just get to actually see E again when I get the chance because he lives about an hour away by bus. E has also been trying to hookup with other women since he feels he missed out in Detroit and we all agreed to wait for a little while until he was able to start accomplishing this.
This was all fine but things have gotten a little tense for me lately due to a woman named A. She, T and I had talked about playing together (we're all into a bit of BDSM, A more so) but nothing has come of it though she still pops up from time to time and it has messed with me a little bit because every time we try to arrange a date she is always too "busy" but has lots of stories about other playdates with other people. She hasn't come straight out and said she isn't interested but I've been getting very mixed signals, not helped by the fact that she was the one who made the initial approach. In addition to this I can honestly say she is one of the hottest women I have ever seen and incredibly confident, smart, involved in the fetish community etc. I wouldn't say I am jealous of her but I can sometimes feel very inferior when she is around.
Anyway, E, A, T and I were at a fetish night earlier this month and for most of the night it had been E, T and I playing together with A dropping in sporadically. At one point we were at the bar when A came over and suddenly she and E disappeared into the crowd on the dancefloor and T found them experiencing a pretty intimate moment. It kind of made me feel like since she was around T and I were suddenly invisible and I almost left the area to go to another part of the club because it made me feel very down when they just kind of left like that. I'm still trying to figure out what that emotion was, all I know is that it wasn't good. T ended up pulling me over to them and they invited us to join and for awhile it looked like there were going to be four of us that evening instead of three, which I was pretty delighted with. However on the ride back A announced that she had someone waiting for her at home and couldn't join and then E decided he would rather just go back to his place. I had a nice night with T but I felt like everything just fell apart because of A joining in and then changing her mind and I'm starting to feel very inferior to her. It's really not a pleasant feeling and I am not used to it, I think for being female and my age I'm a pretty confident person when it comes to sexuality but A can really make me feel like I'm the wallflower at the back of the class who no one is interested in at all.
Since then E and A have started a casual relationship and it's really messing with me because I don't feel like I can talk to E about it right now since there was a miscommunication about an event he was supposed to attend and didn't so he could be with A and I feel like I may have come out of that looking a little too needy for my comfort. I also feel like since it is now a possibility for him to be with A why would he be interested in me at all? A and I have been compared to each other all through school, I still get called a mini-version of her (I started a few years behind her) which I know should be a compliment but I think subconciously I've been taking it in more of a negative light. These insecurities are not normal things for me and it doesn't help since I know T is also interested in pursuing a solo thing with A and I'm pretty sure she is with him so basically it's me she's not interested in and if E and T both get to be with her then where do I fit in? I feel like if I had a straight answer from A about whether or not she is actually interested in playing and if no then a why would be appreciated, that would really help me sort things out in my head. I don't know though. This is the most tangled up I have felt in ages.
Floating bubbles and bursting bubbles
AutumnalTone...what you said about it eventually going away has really stuck with me. I think I'm going to keep that in my head for awhile.
KT...if I were in the same position as you I think I would be going over the deep end. Your strength is something I really look up to.
I had a date with J last night. It was really nice since T had asked me to take some time off seeing him for a week to work on our relationship. It ended up being more like a week and a half which was big for me since I always have a slight fear that if I don't see a person for that long they'll forget about me. Especially since a couple days before this date J informed me that he had bad news and my mind was starting to go...oh no, he's found someone else, he's gay, he's actually not interested...etc.
Meanwhile T is freaking out that he had "fallen" for me. Not as scary to me since I knew how I would deal with that if it had happened and honestly I don't think it's a bad thing. But T had it built up that if J had then our (T et moi) relationship would fall apart and I would leave him for J and J would get weird with T (they never see each other so I don't really know why this is a problem).
With this in mind I made my way to J's house where he informed me he was going through withdrawal and at this point I'm like: oh no, I managed to find ANOTHER musician junkie. Great. And then he looks at me and says he was going through withdrawal from seeing me. Ever wanted to deck someone and throw your arms around them at the same time? I wasn't sure if I was moving to hug him or strangle him. I'm happy to report it was a hug.
After that we went for ice cream and coffee at a cafe on College St. that makes all the icecream themselves and I had an awesome pistachio one that kind of tasted like baking cookies and marzipan with bits of pistachio in it. We talked for a long time and I got a chance to explain what being poly was like for me and how if there was a Kinsey scale for it I would be at the far end of poly. One thing I really like about J is how open minded and interested in people he is. He actually listens to what you're saying, thinks about it and then answers. On our way home he told me how he'd never met anyone like me and thought it was wonderful that I can have multiple relationships in my life and that I want that from life. We went back to his place and watched Wristcutters: A Love Story, which is pretty phenomenal and if anyone likes Gogol Bordello, they do the soundtrack for it. It was a great date except that I was late coming home and T was very upset with me. This curfew (time limit, time demand call it WHATEVER you want) is driving me absolutely crazy. I suck with time, it doesn't matter what I"m doing I have to be an hour early to everything or I'm going to be 40 minutes late. Having to operate within a limit like this is making me resent the hell out of T and he can't let go of it because as he says it's the only control he has over the relationship. Why do you need control? How about trust and love?
Anyway, today T and I were talking some more about it. It was a fairly heated discussion but he used the term secondary with J, which is good since he's recognizing (if only subconciously since I don't think he chose that term on his own) that there is some kind of emotional tie there though I'm not sure what type. I like J a lot, I have some great conversations with him and he's very different from most of the people I hang out with. He's very polite and a lot more intellectual and controlled. I think since most of my friends are actors a lot of the time it's about being silly and emotional, which is great, but a change can be very refreshing. I think J likes me, the text messages I get during the day make me smile and I think if he was just trying to keep this casual he would be a lot more...well casual. So I guess we'll see what's there and sooner or later we're really going to have to talk about it but that time isn't yet.
Today I've been thinking a lot about J and T. I know you're not supposed to compare lovers but honestly, people do. Your brain does it automatically I think. They're physically very similar. T has even pointed it out. But otherwise they're opposites in the same vein of things. J grew up in the west of the city, T in the east, their families are both from eastern europe, they're both artists, though in different disciplines. The list goes on, but as amusing as the similarities are I like them for their differences. I have also noticed how comfortable and aware of each other T and I have become. When we're being intimate there's no awkward manoevering of elbows and joints and we don't have to verbalize most things, we just know. With a new lover it's thrilling because there are new things to learn and new areas to play with but at the same time, smacking your elbow into someone's nose sucks. I think laughing about it makes a huge difference though.
Anyway I am going to bed, roadtrip to Quebec with T tomorrow that I am tres excite pour.
It was very interesting reading the last posts, it's been over two years since they were written.
Shortly after the last post, T and I ended our relationship. I think he very much wanted to be poly but was more interested in swinging and we were starting to resent each other a lot. It wasn't a good end and a lot of harsh words were said on both ends. It took a year before we could talk but we're on friendly terms right now even if we're not friends.
I haven't seen J since the night after things with T ended due to a text message being sent. Basically a lot of feelings were hurt and I ended up taking a year away from dating, romance and anything to do with other people in that area of my life. It was probably one of the best things I've done since the year spent in Montreal was one of the worst of my life. Everything went wrong and I came back feeling completely broken and unsure of who I was. It took the better part 2011 to heal and each day has been better and better since thanks to some very loving friends and relatives.
One of these friends is named K and I'd had a crush on him since meeting him last year. After enjoying him as a friend for the better part of a year we began dating each other. In many ways we are each other's opposite, K identifies as completely monoamorous and while he accepts that I am not we are attempting a monosexual relationship. So far it has been surprisingly easy, however K is tree planting in northern Alberta for the whole summer (25 more days!). Usually I get to talk to him for an hour every five days, though this week it is looking like it will be a ten day stretch.
And I've developed feelings for G, a man I worked with earlier this summer. K and G are totally aware of each other's presence and significance, G is okay with just being friends though we both have stronger feelings than just friendship. They are both such good people in my life, I love being able to spend time with each of them and make them happy. They make me feel loved and safe and I am really hoping that when K comes back we will all be able to spend time together, however that remains to be seen.
Anyway, this is where things are right now. I am very happy to be back on the forum again and seeing how it has grown and changed.
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