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-   -   Feeling rejected (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27411)

newbie1 08-27-2012 08:53 PM

Feeling rejected
I feel hurt and rejected...and it is so hard for me to feel this way. My husband and I both agreed to finding a 3rd - a bi-female to join us. We thought we found that ... well he thought he found that. While she was a nice girl - i always sensed she liked him more - which for her was more natural - since apparently she wasn't bi and never had tried it before. But as time went on I began to feel like an outsider and the hubs was blinded by NRE. Which is understandable - he had a shiny new toy.

But after we had some conversations and a separation from this 3rd she is still calling him and texting him and him alone. I had told him this was not what we had discussed before we ventured into this poly life. He agrees...but now I feel like I may be holding him back from what he needs - he says I am not but after feeling rejected emotionally i am just very vulnerable now and not sure what I want to do. All I know is I love my hubs and want him to be happy - and not stand in his way.

But we both agree that the feelings have to be mutual so no one gets hurt. Does anyone have any positive stories to share? Maybe to give us some hope of finding love and happiness? Or does this just happen over and over again?

Tonberry 08-27-2012 09:23 PM

I'm afraid that this is quite common, it's rare to find someone with equal interest for two people like that. In this case, she was also straight, no doubt she tried it because she cared about your husband, but it was doomed to fail.


But we both agree that the feelings have to be mutual so no one gets hurt.
Didn't you end up getting hurt specifically because of this rule, though? Without it, you wouldn't have expected anything from the other woman in the first place, and wouldn't have felt rejected.
There are successful triads, though, but it seems they happen organically and aren't forced... Either when you meet someone you both like and notice the attraction and chemistry and ask them out... Or when one partner finds someone who later develops a bond with the other partner.

In the end, the breakup between the two of you doesn't take away the rejection you felt, and the two of them have to get over the relationship, too. It seems to me everyone got hurt.
I think what you and your husband need to do is have a talk again... but try to avoid rules about emotions. You can't control emotions. Especially a third person's. How do you say "you have to love so and so" or "you're not allowed to love so and so"? How is it realistic? It's better to have a plan B. Your plan B seems to have been breaking up the relationship, but if that proves to cause hurt and resentment too, you might want to think of something else.

Personally, I'm on the school of dealing with the partners as they come, and not deciding how they'll be, what they'll want and what they'll expect first. Of course, it easier for me in a way, because we're both straight, and so a triad would be impossible even if we wanted one. So it's not like we had a choice. But still, I have found that assumptions about what the relationship with the new partners would be like have proved to accomplish nothing good and a lot of bad.
I'm really sorry that you got hurt, and I hope that you'll feel better soon. I don't think it means anything about you, though, if she was straight, she was straight. I hope you still feel loved by your husband. I suggest you both take a break from dating and work on your relationship to make sure it's okay before giving it another try.

Good luck!

newbie1 08-28-2012 05:53 PM

Thank you
I think yes we all ended up getting hurt. But too I think that we were mislead by her. We were up front and open about what we were looking for - and she went along with it and we were given false hope.

And then when she started just wanting to be around my husband that is when it really sunk in for me. She doesn't want what we do - she just likes being with my husband and having his attention. And it is hurtful. She has 2 children whom I would watch for her so she could go hang out with some of her other friends. I have cooked countless meals and cleaned up and taken care of everything without as much as a thank you from her or her even helping.

When she and her children would come over - she left the disciplining to us = and they were very disrespectful children. We went above and beyond and did all we could do and really put ourselves out there - and I feel mostly used, rejected and hurt.

It is the worst feeling in the world....I know I still have my husband and always will but this certainly has taken a toll on our relationship because he thought I was being jealous when he couldn't see what was happening right in front of his eyes.

I just hope to grow from this and perhaps learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not get wrapped up in the relationship until we are all sure of what we want from it.

SNeacail 08-28-2012 06:08 PM

As a mom, I see big red flags with your level of involvement with her kids. It sounds like she was looking for someone to take over her responsibilities for her, which is why your situation sounded attractive in the beginning. I don't know how long you were dating before you started babysitting and cleaning up her house, but most mom's I know, don't let their kids anywhere near their new friends, dates and potential lovers for a good long time. I'm not comfortable with my kids interacting with people who are just friends for more than a few hours a month, when I have only known that person less than a year (not counting organized group activities, such as scouts). Frankly, this person doesn't sound like someone you would want around on the long term anyway. Chalk it up to a learning experience, too much, too fast, with someone you really don't know.

newbie1 08-28-2012 06:25 PM

Yes it is a learning lesson - and a powerful one at that. I care too much about other people and often allow myself to be put last...which is my fault. All I want to do is love and take care of my family and was really hoping the could be reciprocated. And yes I feel very used - like she was a single mom with 2 out of control kids and knew that I would feed them take care of them whenever she wanted - and it was expected. I thought maybe we could still be friends - but I can't it hurts too much and I can't allow my husband to be involved with her at all after how disrespected I was by her. And he agrees...but also doesn't like to be mean to people.

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