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-   -   One-Dick Fantasies (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2734)

poiyt 05-07-2010 03:31 AM

One-Dick Fantasies
I am loving reading this board....Im so glad I found this place, and only wish I had found it sooner!

I was reading through the jealousy-envy thread, and someone posted about her husband not allowing her to have a boyfriend - but she could have a girlfriend...another poster called this a one-dick fantasy. Ive realized this is my dh - and i think it bothers me more than I let on, so I was hoping to get your thoughts on it.

We are in a FFM triad. Dh and I are legally married but Dw (if I had to name a primary or default) would be it. We are a newish triad (6months ish), and all live together. Dw still maintains a relationship with her dh who does not live with us. Her dh has expressed deep feelings for me for months now, and i have only just begun to realize that I, too, have feelings for him.

Since opening my mind to poly fully - I have wanted to explore - for lack of a better term. Im not saying, at all, that I would go out and date or sleep with everyone - but Id like to be able to open my heart to the possibility. DH has forbidden me, and in fact told me it would be a relationship ender for him, if I were to be with another man. In fact, he doesnt really like that Dw is still with her husband (though they havent had sex in months - partially because of my dh's negative opinions or reactions if they do).

I feel he is very confining, whereas i would like the option to explore...


LovingRadiance 05-07-2010 05:15 AM

I have a LOT of thoughts-none of which are very nice...

Here is the issue for me...

My understanding of polyamory is that it's about having (and accepting) MULTIPLE LOVES.

Ok-so WHAT is LOVE??

This has been argued to death on the board and I already know that many people here don't agree with my definition.
BUT I'm not in your relationship-so my definition isn't pertinent.

By YOUR definition of LOVING someone-

is it LOVING to have double standards?

Really-that's the question yes??

For me the answer is, no.
For others the answer may be "maybe", others still may say "yes".

Personally I don't think that there is anything loving about a double standard. It's selfish and it's self centered, self-serving...

This is one of the primary reasons why people think that polyamory is just another word for "man with no respect for women who wants to fuck whoever he feels like with no consequences."

Which makes a really shitty situation for those of us who really practice a fully loving, compersion filled polyamory....

MonoVCPHG 05-07-2010 06:30 AM

I see polyamory as simply the ability to love more than one, not that it is about having multiple loves.

It's a matter of criteria as far as the one dick fantasy goes. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship that involves more than one dick than that is his criteria to share himself in that way. It's not a double standard unless he gets to have more than one pussy.
If she requires more than one dick and he can't accept this, than he doesn't meet her criteria to be in a relationship and she does not meet his.

If people don't meet each others criteria, they move on. Simple and plain. I don't see what the huge struggle is sometimes...maybe I'm just tired. You either fit each others criteria or you don't.

MonoVCPHG 05-07-2010 06:36 AM

OK...I just reread the OP...he has a double standard :o.....boooooo double standard....YAY BEER!

redpepper 05-07-2010 06:56 AM

I would say that it is great you are advocating for your needs. Good for you. It seems to me that your man likes his harem and doesn't want any other man in on it. It's rather cave manish to me and disrespectful to women. At lease I would feel disrespected.

I know you love him and want him to be happy, but I would suggest that eventually this would wear very thin and you would end up feeling resentful and disrespected. There is no sustainable balance as far as I can tell in demanding that you do what anyone says. If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.

I like what Mono said about "have," no one owns the rights to you. No one owns you and poly certainly isn't about ownership.

I also like what LR says about those of us who work our ass off on stuff. It perpetuates a stereo type that poly men are really polygamists... please stand firm and don't let that happen. For your sake and for poly women everywhere.

MonoVCPHG 05-07-2010 07:05 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 28715)
If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.

Exactly. I would think that if some one is truly poly, there would be a greater understanding towards gender neutrality when accepting your partner's interests. Otherwise it does seem like harem building to me. Although I'm sure this is completely ok for some people either male or female as the roles could be reversed. Sounds like getting all the cake without having to do the baking. Dessert without work so to speak.

redpepper 05-07-2010 07:37 AM

Just so you know, if either of you women are into the one dick thing, then no problem, you are happy, he is happy, it's all good. But it sounds like you aren't and she probably isn't too. Therefore, there is some work to do and he has to realize that if he gets to have what he wants then he has to be willing to let go of what he thinks is his right and privileged and deal with his feelings on this one.

SchrodingersCat 05-07-2010 08:12 AM

I agree with these guys.

There is absolutely no reason, other than selfish insecurity, for your husband to get two pussies when you only get one cock. You and the girlfriend are not a harem, and he is not a sultan. So why should you be treated that way?

My thoughts on this are to confront him and lay it down. If he gets to have a girlfriend, then you get to have a boyfriend. If you're only allowed one cock, then he's only allowed one pussy. Because you said, the double-standard bothers you. And you have every right to be bothered by that. Women have fought really hard over the past 40 years to gain equality, and we don't need pigs like this screwing that up :)

Ariakas 05-07-2010 12:13 PM

All I can do is agree with what is said above. Its an unfair rule to enforce the OPP. If you all choose to be involved in OPP...thats different.

NeonKaos 05-07-2010 12:23 PM

This is the same thing as when a woman requires an "equal triad" in order feel in control over her partner's relationship with the "third" or other woman. In this case, the man feels as though he is still in control because presumably, women can give other women things that a man can't, but only a man can provide a woman with a Genuine Penile Experience™. Therefore, if there is only one Provider of teh Penis™, his position seems less vulnerable to hostile takeover.

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