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-   -   Confused... Help?! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27271)

StrayKitten 08-26-2012 04:25 AM

Confused... Help?!
So, I've been dating my wonderful boyfriend for about 5-6 months. He knew, going into this, that I wanted to fully explore my bi side, and has been totally accepting and comfortable with it.

I started casually dating a woman about 2 weeks ago, and she's a darling. I'm rather fond of her already, and Primary boy is fine with her.

The issue here is on my part. I feel less interested in having sex with Primary, I don't get the instant giddy grin when he texts/emails/IM's me, and I'm a little scared that this is going to backfire. I'm not willing to risk the relationship I have with my Primary, and I get the distinct feeling that I'm just *not poly*. Primary is scared that if I decide that I no longer want to be shared, I'm going to end up resenting him, but if I keep things open I'm going to end up resenting that he seems to share "too easily", and.... I just don't know what to do. At all. I'm totally lost and confused.

Advice? Head pats and "oh don't worry it'll settle in a few weeks"? Anything?! Please??

NovemberRain 08-26-2012 08:07 AM

Sounds like you're getting a big case of NRE. (new relationship energy) I recommend doing a search here, for NRE. You'll find lots of threads about it.

All you need to remember when you get panicky, is to breathe. You might turn out to be mono. It's not a bad thing, it's a useful thing to know. I thought I was mono, once. I am bisexual, and I knew it as soon as I learned that girls could date girls ('you mean...*gasp*...girls an option? HOOray!'). I never intentionally sought out poly, but I've been open the two times in my life it's presented itself. First time didn't work so well (I recall getting a black eye from that venture). This time seems to be going great.

Welcome to this little forum. I suspect you're in the right place.

Becca 08-27-2012 11:43 AM

That's what NRE does. At least, with me, a new crush will suddenly obliterate all other thoughts, including thoughts about work, and other partners. Nothing seems as interesting or as shiny as SHE does, in all her glorious wonder.

Here's how you deal with it-- get to know her as a person. Right now, she is a pretty face, a kind smile, and a blank canvas on which you can write your most perfect possible partner. She reflects you more than her own self. Learn her. Find the aspects of her character that don't appeal quite as much. Since you're both on good behavior right now, that's going to be hard, but focus on it. Learn her flaws, her quirks, and ways she can be difficult.

Once you really start to understand her as a whole person, the shiny will fade, and you will be able to go back to your normal, sane headspace. (That's also where you can start to really connect, on a deep heart level, and build solid bonds.) Only when you get there, can you start to evaluate how you really feel about him.

Unfortunately, I have to hit the 6 month mark with someone before I start getting my head on straight.

MusicalRose 08-27-2012 03:27 PM

As much as it is a response you don't want to hear, this is one of those situations where keeping a level head and giving things a bit of time can really make a world of difference. New relationship energy is powerful stuff and it really does make you forget about EVERYTHING else. I actually just came out of my NRE with my boyfriend of 6 months and fortunately for me my fiance was pretty patient waiting for me to get my head out of my ass.

But it was scary. At times I wondered if I really didn't love him as much anymore because I was so obsessed with my boyfriend. I was constantly torn as to if I was giving him enough time and affection while at the same time desperate to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend and getting a bit resentful if he pushed me to be away from my boyfriend.

Now that I'm coming down out of that haze, I am discovering a much more balanced relationship between the two, and now they are even going off to play video games without me (not excluding me, I'm just really not interested in playing) and leaving me to feel like the third wheel occasionally. This is a new development that I wasn't thrilled with at first, but I think I need to take this opportunity to learn how to have time for myself again, as that is an aspect of my life that has been lacking.

So yeah, it is scary and it can take quite a while before all the NRE dust settles and you can look at things a bit more clearly. Just make sure to keep meeting your boyfriend's needs while you explore and discover a new person and remember that this new and shiny feeling happens with almost all new relationship and it will ALWAYS fade over time. Give it time to fade before you make any rash decisions.

StrayKitten 08-31-2012 01:42 PM

Thank you all so very much! Getting to hear such reassuring and similar stories definitely has helped ease my mind and not rush into things quite as quickly! Still testing the water, so to speak, but nowhere close to being an anxious and panicky!

Avatar 08-31-2012 08:50 PM

Almost certainly NRE, as I had previously termed it, NTS - New Toy Syndrome. We've been watching Skye go through quite a bit of it lately with her crush, but she's back now, at least for a bit. For myself, it was easiest to leech off her happiness, enjoy the compersion that came along with it, and grin like mad with my fellow quadmates.

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