Which way to turn?
After our disaster of a date Saturday things have only gotten worse. Our dates ex took things pretty bad. He and my husband used to be friends. I got an e-mail from him this morning telling me all the numorous women my husband has supposedly slept with. My husband is with her tonight, they are having a much needed talk. And her ex added to the e-mail that they are together. Like I didn't know.
My husband has a history of cheating. But it's history. We've made it a long way. And honestly, cheating I can forgive. Lieing I can't.
Which brings me to my confusion. Do I believe the hurt ex who is looking for anyway he can to hurt my husband, including threatening him. Do I let our past influence my trust for my husband? Or do I step into the future believing him. Believing that her ex is only looking for a way to hurt him.
Why is honesty so hard?
Were it me, if I bothered to read the email at all, I'd just shake my head at the sour grapes the ex is sending and perhaps chuckle at how transparent he is.
As you already know about your husband's past cheating and that he's currently seeing the gf, then there's nothing of note in the ex's message. He's acting out against people he sees as having hurt him and nothing more.
The thing is, he can only hurt you in that fashion if you allow him to do so. If you've chosen to move forward after working things out with your husband, then move forward and leave the past behind.
As it turns out, my husband had been sleeping with her for 8 months, without informing me. I know there is a lot of talk on here about rules and no rules. We have some and one of those was no intimacy (physical) unless we are both there. So to me this was an affair. And the ex was telling the truth. Over the last few days I have found out about 4 others he slept with once or twice.
It's been a long week. We are trying to work things out. I have a lot of medical problems and he felt his needs weren't being met. Don't get it wrong, he doesn't hold my medical problems against me, but at times they are the focus of our lives and he does get ignored. It's a problem that he brought to my attention and we are working on it.
We are working on a lot. Most of this boils down to our inability to communicate.
So for the moment, he is still seeing her, nothing physical until he and I are on better ground. A relationship with her won't be healthy if we aren't.
I'm dealing. I am still interested in her, but it is a lot of trust issues to get over at the moment. They both mislead me, lied to me and only said something when I had it in writing from other people.
I appreciate the thoughts everyone has put forth for me. I have gained a lot of insight.
So that is where things stand at the moment.
I understand that given their feelings for eachother, it is rather cruel of me to say they can't see eachother. But is it wrong to ask that it only be while I'm around for awhile? At least until that trust has been regained?
I've been there
I've been in your shoes. My husband has cheated multiple times. The hurt was deep and still lingers. When he met J, he fell in love with her. That was what made this time different from the others. They had an affair before I found out as well. Although, they have both said there was no bedroom sex. It was all oral and sex talk when by the time I found out. I found out before it got any further than that.
They did not tell me. My baby daughter was playing with his phone. I took it away from her so she wouldn't break it and under the threads I noticed one was addressed to someone named Kitten. And suspicion sparked and I read it. And I knew what was happening and I went numb and finally confronted him that evening after I put my daughter to bed. We had it out. He did not confess to the others that night. That took another couple of weeks of talking and fighting. I told him if the lying didn't stop I would leave. For now even with the cheating I was willing to work it out but he had to be completely and totaly honest and never lie. If I ask a question or want to see his phone he has to be open to doing so without a chance to edit what I might see.
He has complied with all of my requests. I have allowed him and J to continue their relationship, including intimacies. He and I have done so much communicating that it hasn't been easy. We still have our set backs. And he has messed up with the lying a couple of times. Not with her surprisingly, just his where abouts for a couple of nights. But he was quick to put things right. And he knows I still read his phone. I don't think he knows how often and it probably isn't right. But the trust thing is still an issue. A big issue. I am working very hard to trust him again.
J and I talk as well. So I might suggest talking with his gf. I know its hard and you might not want to but if they are going to have a real relationship it is so important. Make yourself ask the hard questions, even if you think you might not want to know the answers. Make them answer those questions. Poly life is hard enough. Adding the cheating is ten times worse. I have a blog in this section of the website. I am Blog of the Mono Wife. It is my journey through poly with a cheating husband.
J and I have become very good friends. And when either of them hurt, I hurt. There are others on here that have dealt with SO getting involved with this choice after a marriage has been developed. Not all were cheaters.
When I first found out all hell broke loose. I demanded he cut off all contact with her. Only see her at work when he had to. They work together so it made things harder all the more. That didn't work. Being the cheater and liar type then he continued to text her. Telling her to give it time and he could be with her again. I found those texts again, this time purposely getting into his phone. I cried more, for another two days at least. I told him I read that too. And finally told him that if he could just stop lying to me I would work with him. I would allow this lifestyle. But he could never lie to me again.
We have become closer than we have in years. We have found a new love again. We are happy and growing in our marriage. We haven't been happy in about 3 years. Instead we were just going through the motions. He cheated with about 3 women at least. They were all pass thrus. J is the one he fell in love with.
If you need to talk or anything please PM me. I have been through this. I am still going through this. I found out back in February. Between the week of my birthday and Valentine's no less. Talk about a ruined week of what should have been romance and fun. But life isn't easy. Just worth it. I am here if you need me.
He is on his way to pick her up now. Their first time seeing eachother since I found out last week. He didn't fight me on bringing her here. He said he thought it would be awkward b/c I don't want to see her at the moment and plan to stay in the bedroom. He said it would feel like I am sitting in here disapproving. I'm not, and explained that. I don't disaprove of their feelings for eachother. What I disapprove of was the lies and the cheating. We have been talking about bringing a woman home and eventually hoping to find one to join our lives, for a long time. Yet he never introduced us, never mentioned her until about 3 months ago. When she broke things off out of guilt for me and began dating her now ex.
What bothers me is that before all of this, I wasn't jealous of her at all. I had no issues with them spending time together. I was happy to hear he was happy. I had no problem even watching them kiss. Then I find out about the affair.
Now I hate the idea of them being alone together. My mind instantly goes to questioning everything. What are they talking about on the phone? What are they e-mailing about? If they are alone together what are they going to do? Can I ever trust them?
How am I ever supposed to get over this? I want him to be happy. I want to get to know her better and explore things to see if she and I are a match as well. But now I feel like it is all ruined.
They seem to be trying. They are answering all of my questions and I hope that I finaly have the whole story. She wants time out of a relationship to figure things out. So I am hoping that will give us all time to sort things out.
I'm still pretty hurt. I don't know who and what to trust, several of our friends knew and no one ever said a word to me.
Things seem to be getting better between my hubby and I. We are talking about everything. Both trying to keep tempers in check. We're both trying to take care of eachother. We had a pretty painful heart to heart a few nights ago. We both broke down the needs that weren't getting met. The things that have been forgotten about over time. The ways we have changed. It opened a lot up for both of us.
So now we are figuring out where to go from here. I just hope the changed being made, stay and are forgotten as time goes on.
AK-thanks for the offer, it means a lot to have someone who understands. I feel so out of place talking with my friends b/c they all (at least most) knew what was going on.
I really urge you to look up my name under the search section and read pretty much all of my posts starting from the very beginning. You will find I have said these exact same things. Also you need to look into the website. www.xeromag.com this will help you understand polyamory and it even has some suggestions about coming out of a cheating relationship and into one. This is the hardest way to do this. But we are managing ourselves. I am still struggling every day with the cheating that happend. Not just with J, with all of them. The trust is gone now but we are fighting so hard to retrieve what we had so many years ago.
Keep talking, keep asking, and somehow bring yourself to sit down with her face to face. At least IM to IM. J and I had to start there. I couldn't see her face for a long time. I am afraid I might have slugged her. But instant messanging can be a best friend here. Keep posting, keep blogging. It helps. Especially on the lonely nights. My night this week will be Tuesday. He is going over on that night.
You are actually ahead of me. He only brought her here once and that was when the three of us had a night together to cuddle. I told him I will never restrict when and where, all I ask is that not in my bed. That is my sanctuary. The only exception is if I am there. But not just the two of them. So far he has honored that and that means the world to me.
The story of J and AK
Let me tell you the story of J and me. Maybe that will help.
J and DH work together. And well before I found out about them or she and I were friends DH met her and hung out with her as friends. We had often talked about threesomes and talked about having her as one of our partners.
Now you need to understand the threesomes with DH and I. J was not our first. She was just our first that I believed was successful. The first one was with a friend that kind of just happened one night. We were all rather drunk. And at the end of it I was in a horrible state. I was so mad at myself for not being sober and in better control with something like this. I had just watched my husband have sex with another woman and didn't handle it to well. I was crazy jealous and very vulnerable.
A couple of years passed. We slowly started mentioning trying this again. I remained friends with this girl. But we never did anything or mentioned it with her again. Well DH's brother had a female roommate who was well known for being easy. So we asked her to join us one night. But basically she was a bitch. Wanted nothing to do with me the whole time. And afterwards stalked my husband. Sadly she was one of the people he cheated on me with later on. And that hurt more than J. Because he knew how much I hated and didn't trust her. And he did it anyways. She tried to get him to leave me and even said she would make a better mother than me. They only slept together one night. But that night has hurt for months, since I found out and will continue to hurt.
Then he met J. They became friends. He often talked and bragged about her. I became worried he was interested in her. He insisted he wasn't. But they were always together at work. Texted and called each other after work. I really didn't like it. So one day he had left his IM logged on while he was out and she sent him a message. Now I could have been sneaky and pretended to be him but I decided against it at the time. I told her it was me and next thing I knew we were talking about how much I didn't trust her and didn't necessarily approve of her relationship with my husband. She said she understood and insisted there was nothing between them.
She and I continued to talk via Instant Messanger over the course of a few weeks. We got to know each other a little bit at a time. I still had my reserves about her. I still didn't trust her or her relationship with DH. But I had no proof not to bring it to the surface...yet. So the talk of threesomes came up several times. i thought ok, fine, if he wants some kind of sexual act to happen, let it be a threesome. That way I am there. I am involved. I didn't know about the others at this point. I thought he was still following the rules that we both be involved. I also didn't know they had fallen in love. That really hurt when I found that out.
So we had the threesomes...twice. Me believing the whole time we were all on the same track, same level. Then I found the text....and she and I were through as what was beginning to be a friendship.
I took her off every friend list I had, my phone, my email. I sent her a very nasty email telling her off. This week her daughter, who is the same age as mine, ended up in the hospital.
I started aching so horribly. There was this little baby in the hospital and a mother praying for her health. It wouldn't have been so hard on me had I not been through that with my daughter a few months before. My daughter had open heart surgery at 2 months old. She is doing wonderful now.
I checked in on J everyday. I allowed DH to check in on her with my presence. One of the times I read the text when he wasn't looking and found the parts where he told her that after a little time he would be with her again.
I cried, I hurt, I begged for something, anything to make this go away. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to die. And one of the parts I hated more than anything was that I missed her too. I wanted so much to hate her. But something inside me wouldn't let me. Maybe it was me having sympathy for her situation with her daughter.
Finally, a few days after she came home with her baby I asked her to meet me online. We had it out. I asked some hard questions. Including if she loved my husband. She admitted she did. I asked her why she lied to me about nothing being between them. She knew what had happened with the girl that had stalked my DH. Not that he later cheated with her. I didn't know at this point myself. But she knew this girl stalked him, and treated me like dirt and that DH did nothing to not persuade her. J insisted she would never threaten my marriage like that. She was married as well, only they both were poly.
But They both lied. They both hurt me. They both stripped away all trust. I am trying to rebuild it with them. And actually J has been more honest with me than DH at times. They know I will read their text now. They don't know I found their emails from before the threesomes. I was so angry that I did those under false pretenses. When I found out about them they both said it had only been going on for about a week. I found naked pictures she had sent to him from about a month before. And other things they had said to each other. We had all been together during this time, them both saying it was about helping me feel better, not them. But it was about them.
J and I talk every day. We have had to rebuild what we had but like DH and I, we are stronger for it. I often credit her for saving my marriage because I believe it to be true. My marriage was falling apart before I found out and I never realized it. Neither of us did. We were ignoring everything, not caring. But we are trying now. We are talking. We never talked before. We just ignored each other and pretended to be happy. If J didn't help keep him on track with talking to me we would not have made it.
I know she feels guilty for what happened. I do feel like I never had a choice in the poly lifestyle. But I do have a choice on how I deal with it from here on out. I choose to work with them because I know my husband loves me now. I never really knew it before. I know it now. And I know he is willing to work with me and as long as I can see him put in the effort that I know I am then we can make it.
I will probably always hold the fact that they took away my say so. They never asked me if it was ok to become poly or explain how they felt. Everyone lied. Especially DH. J didn't know about the others either. I made him tell her. It was only fair. Now I don't let a day go by without making him tell me everything about the day. I do question and wonder and picture the worst things possible in my head but I still make them talk. I tell them that although it is hard and awkard, they can't leave anything to the imagination. Your mind is your most dangerous tool right now. It will warp every situation and tear you apart.
I hope this helped. Good Luck.
It really did help, thank you. Aside from the fact that we were already discussing a poly relationship. You and I share an almost identical situation. I think one of the hardest things for me is my hubby has cheated all through our relationship. I went from being Completely open to anything when we first met to closing up and getting more and more paranoid with each time. Yet I keep forgiving him. This is the only one that lasted more than once or twice and the only one he's loved. It seems that he only cheats at the points our relationship is on auto pilot or my illness has gotten to the point that I want no sexual contact for weeks at a time. At first I thought, what a jerk, I can't help my illness. But I realized that he was feeling ignored, and that being my care taker takes a lot out of him and he just wanted that small act of acknowledgment and affection, and I was so caught up in myself I ignored him. Along with our inability to communicate, that is something we are working on.
i'm sorry, I am just completely unaccustomed to situations such as either of yours and am trying to understand.. I just would really like to know why you would stay in a situation that continues to eat away at your self worth, self esteem and good mental and physical health... please don't say it's because you love him.... cause that is a given.
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