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-   -   Who am I? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27115)

newbie1 08-23-2012 03:36 PM

Who am I?
 
Where to begin. Well I am a 30 something married woman of 7 years & have been with my husband for 13 years, we have a little boy who is almost 12. We both work extremely hard to provide for our family….he works two jobs and I work one. Typical working class life right?

Well – over the years we had discussed adding a third to the equation. Me being open to trying this to make my husband happy do so – without thinking of the emotional ramifications.

It started out simple enough years ago- just bedroom talk if you will – and then he would discuss how nice it would be for me to have a nice girl friend to hang out with on a regular basis – and all 3 of us be together – experiencing everything together from in the bedroom to day to day activities. Sure we had a fling with a girl many years before just a quick bedroom affair that really was awkward as she was his ex. And he and I had just started dating so it was just really an attraction thing to see if I could actually do that?
I never thought of my self as bi – but apparently I am. So after that we didn’t go any further with our pillow talk.

It really didn’t bother me talking about doing things when in the right mood (wink) but as the years progressed I realized that this isn’t just some fantasy on my husbands part – this is something that he wants desperately. Me – I just couldn’t understand….why does he need to have another wife? Why does he want to love someone else when I am right here? I felt like maybe I am not enough for him – and why would should I share? I don’t want anyone else but him in my life….he is my soulmate and love him soo much that I don’t understand how he can even want someone else?

So he ends up meeting a woman – getting her phone number. Which really upset me that he went behind my back – but in his opinion he was just getting the “ball” rolling. Fine – so I call this woman invite her over. We hang out - and after a few too many drinks – things happen fast. For awhile we get caught up in a fantasy world. Then reality sets in - what am I doing? What is she doing? She says she doesn't want the life style of being part of a poly life - but yet she still wants to have this fling but just keep it as friends.

Me - I am unsure how to take this - here I am trying to make this work and then little things start to annoy me .... why does she only give my husband attention - why does he talk to her more than he has ever talked to me? Why does she think she can touch him and why does he think he can touch her? Why is she sending him nude photos of herself to him? Why do I feel like I am losing my husband and my marriage??? I felt like an outsider....like I was losing control - so I kept flip flopping on if I wanted this lifestyle or not.

And I am still trying to figure this out....Maybe things will be different if we met someone who is into this life style? I just don't know.

I just feel hurt, lonely, confused and rejected - rejected by this 3rd that my husband brought into this relationship of ours.

We have decided not to proceed with this girl - but yet she is still nice and I enjoy spending time with her but sometimes I think - she just wants to swoop in and take my husband....and like what is wrong with me that I can't keep my husband happy.

I really don't know if it is just the situation or not or if it is me. I would love to have this third but then again - will it work? How does it work?

newbie1 08-29-2012 03:30 PM

wondering
 
Well we have called it quits on finding our "unicorn" as we realize that things must develop naturally and not be forced. I guess my hope is that we can compromise on some things in our own relationship that would help us in the future. I would like for the Triad to work out so much!! I would love nothing more than to have a monogamous triad with my husband myself and our bi-female lover. I want to fluid bond and feel the love and love her and my husband and just be happy and be a family.

But the more I start to read others stories and the more I realize this is a fantasy...this is a dream. Perhaps it is time to compromise? He could have a girlfriend and I could have one as well.

Just really not sure where to go from here....I feel like I lost my dream...xo

tallOakland 08-29-2012 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbie1 (Post 151194)
Well we have called it quits on finding our "unicorn" as we realize that things must develop naturally and not be forced. I guess my hope is that we can compromise on some things in our own relationship that would help us in the future. I would like for the Triad to work out so much!! I would love nothing more than to have a monogamous triad with my husband myself and our bi-female lover. I want to fluid bond and feel the love and love her and my husband and just be happy and be a family.

But the more I start to read others stories and the more I realize this is a fantasy...this is a dream. Perhaps it is time to compromise? He could have a girlfriend and I could have one as well.

Just really not sure where to go from here....I feel like I lost my dream...xo

Just keep talking a lot to your husband about everything and I think that new possibilities will make themselves known. What's wrong with you each having a separate girlfriend?

newbie1 08-29-2012 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tallOakland (Post 151225)
Just keep talking a lot to your husband about everything and I think that new possibilities will make themselves known. What's wrong with you each having a separate girlfriend?


I hope so - I wouldn't mind each of us having a separate girlfriend then each of us can feel complete with someone else instead of just him having a friend and me being left out in the dust. I think only time will tell what we should do.

tallOakland 08-29-2012 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbie1 (Post 151233)
I hope so - I wouldn't mind each of us having a separate girlfriend then each of us can feel complete with someone else instead of just him having a friend and me being left out in the dust. I think only time will tell what we should do.

Yes, and I think it's also worth talking with him a lot about your feelings of being left out and how he can help with that, and how much of that might be due to your insecurities that you can somehow eventually come to peace with.


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