19 and green to polyamory
Hi! I'm JD, I'm 19 and I have recently found out that I am polyamorous. My ex-girlfriend, however, did not take kindly to that revelation. She promptly threw me away, like a piece of refuse. Smash-cut to now, I am trying to find my way knowing what I know now, and the moral dilemmas that any personal revelation entails, so far I have concluded that I am heterosexual, and would prefer equal, mutual love polygons. I joined so that I could find my way through this. I know I am young. But I absolutely feel my heart cannot belong to one alone. Also, my heart is not a jealous heart. I want to share and be shared. That being said, I have many questions. The one that's on my mind right now is: Am I being too idealist and should be more realistic?
I apologize for being so long winded about myself...
If you know what you want and you're willing to wait until it comes along, good on you. That's not so much idealism as having personal standards and needs in a relationship. The question then becomes "Can you handle being single until you find what you're looking for?", I suppose.
The thing about sudden revelations of polyamory is that they can result in what happened to you. Everyone's got the right, no matter hir relationship orientation, to decide hir own boundaries in this respect. It sounds like your ex had a hard limit when it came to monogamy. Consider the alternative for a moment. What would have happened if she'd gone along with poly, you'd got another SO, and then all of a sudden she demanded you choose?
Yeah, now three people are screwed! So you sort of dodged a bullet there, mate. She was honest with you (and honesty is one of THE building blocks of polyamory). She knew what she needed and that you could no longer provide it. In other words, she had her shit together, something GalaGirl would call "playing like a Jedi". (Yes, GG, I'm listening and learning!)
So welcome to the world of people who can openly and honestly be polyamorous with you, or know themselves well enough that they can be mono while you are poly. :) The hurt will fade in time, though I don't imagine it'll ever completely go away. I still have angst pangs over a girlfriend who left me nine years ago. Oddly enough, I was displaying proto-poly desires. I wanted this one! No, I wanted that one! No, I wanted the one I had! Ohhh, frustration. For everyone. And my lady friend left. Don't blame her, am proud that she's gone on to Great Things, but damn, do I miss her.
Welcome to our forum.
Ultimately, only you can decide if you're "too idealistic" for *you.* Being young, you have the advantage time to learn, consider, and explore. If by "equal, mutual love polygons" you mean poly families that have no secondaries just primaries, that phenomenon exists, and in considerable numbers. I myself belong to such a family.
Anyway, I hope you won't hesitate to ask further questions, or express thoughts, concerns, etc.
Glad you're aboard.
It's fine to be young. Just be slow and cautious. You don't need to attract predators who want to "train" you or like that you are "almost jail bait" -- most poly people are truly kind and ethical but... the nature of the thing attracts some people who are less than ethical. So be cautious ok?
If you really seek deep emotional intimacy with partner(s) -- spend time sorting YOU out first. We all come with baggage. Always. What kind of baggage do you carry? What can be let go of or does not serve you well? How much baggage in your partner(s) can you realistically deal with? Sometimes it is easier just NOT to agree to go there if the load is all kinds of crazy.
You don't get to choose how you feel. It just happens. You can fall in love with whoever. You DO get to choose how you behave in response -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT. I may fall in love with a serial killer but you know what? I'm gonna choose to stay the hell away from them! (I exaggerate on purpose, but you know what I mean. Some people are better loved from a far distance because they can hurt you in your buckets badly, and then YOU are not being loved. Relationship is two ways, not one sided.)
How do you tend your OWN buckets of mind, body, heart, and soul? Are you as fit as you could be in all your health buckets? Can you offer a new partner the best you that you can be? If you are hurting from your recent break up in mental health, emotional health, physical health, or spiritual health -- take time to heal first and plump those back up. Do not Open Up to a new love just yet.
When you are good in all your buckets? THEN Open Up to the possibility of a New Love or Loves.
Organize your thoughts and feelings so you know what you want and are seeking next. Reality test that to make sure your expectations, wants, needs, and limits are realistic and not crazy ideals. Keep it real.
Think about how to be in "right relationship" to your Future Loves, and how you want them to behave toward you so that they are in right relationship to YOU. You deserve love, respect, dignity because you have worth and value. My own is pretty darn clear -- and I guess I'm getting a reputation around here (lovefromgirl - ha! ":) )for yammering on and on about wanting to be with Jedi Players only and not wanting to deal in some Muppet show. :D
I have a kid who is into both and I love both. But in real life I really do not want crazymaking drama from people who can't behave honestly, ethically, and like.... grown ups! So far all my own relationships have been sweetness and light. I think because I've been super picky. Be picky!
When you Open to more than one, you help to tend your OWN buckets, your partner(s) buckets. That's 4, 8, 12, 16... a LOT of buckets and a lot of polymath tiers. Don't take on more than you can hack -- not fair to you or your partner(s).
So learn more about poly in general and spend some time learning about yourself. That will help your dating life stay more on the Jedi path and less on the backstage Mupper Chaos freak show. Muppets are fun to watch on TV, but healthy people do not want to LIVE there in chronic chaos.
Figure out your model and figure out your strong communication skills FIRST. Read this and THINK. Her conclusion advice is excellent:
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