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-   -   A Valid Concern.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2708)

TheRainKing 05-04-2010 09:02 AM

A Valid Concern..
My wife and I have been married for six years, together for seven. She's had about the shittiest childhood you can think of and a few months ago she asked if it would be alright if she could bring her friend of 12 years to live with us and by with us of course I mean moving her in with us and becoming part of our marriage. I reluctantly accepted and have been working out some jealousy issues I have. My wife and I have always been absolutely monogamous to this point so I have had to work through some things there but I am accepting of this new life style and have found reassurance in reading this forum that I am not alone or freakish in this polyamorous endeavor. So our g/f and I have been spending a good amount of time together and as I wouldn't have chosen her were the choice my own I know that I will come to love her as my wife does. Our g/f understands the situation and is into me as well so there are no problems there. The wife and I have two children already and the g/f eventually wants to have one. I'm not sure how I feel about having another kid I guess I'm not afraid to do it but it makes me wonder where the child will fit into the family when it does happen. I was raised religious and I think a child would bring our arrangement into light. Thoughts?

GroundedSpirit 05-04-2010 01:53 PM

Hi RainKing - and welcome,

My thoughts..............
I'd be VERY careful here !
As you maybe have or will read in other places (here and other sites), once the father of a child - ALWAYS the father of a child. Ethically AND legally !
Not something to be taken lightly. Time can change many things. I'd give some serious thought to the long term implications of such a thing before considering it.

You have two children you are responsible for already. You didn't mention their ages etc but that in itself is no light responsibility. Kids require a lot of support and energy, emotionally, physically, financially. Be honest with yourself and make sure that you are capable of providing all of that for the two you already have.

Not to seem snide, but humans are not disposable commodities. You can't trade them in if they don't work right or toss them aside if you really don't have time to deal with them. We have enough of those poor kids in the world already.

My thoughts anyway.......


Marco 05-04-2010 10:37 PM


Originally Posted by TheRainKing (Post 28367)
as I wouldn't have chosen her were the choice my own I know that I will come to love her as my wife does.


Originally Posted by TheRainKing (Post 28367)
the g/f eventually wants to have one.

I wouldn't. For the statement you made above.
But if you decide to anyways.....I would hope that's an eventually for a couple years down the road. Anything could happen in the next coming weeks or months. I would just stick with nurturing your relationship for a while.

Good luck.

TheRainKing 05-04-2010 10:56 PM

The issue with having another kid with the gf is something we wouldn't deal with for a few years at least so it's not an immediate concern. We're not dealing with any of that for a very long time.

Petal 05-04-2010 11:20 PM

Sounds like you've done a really good job on having an open mind. Don't worry so much about what's down the road. I was raised in a D/s home and my first partner was raised in a D/s/poly home. Believe it or not we both turned out to be pretty good people. The love you will find in relationships like this tends to be a bit stronger than most is because of the honesty and communication that it takes to make it work. As the children grow up they learn from our habits both good and bad. I've never known anyone to look at honesty and communication to be bad traits

Quath 05-05-2010 02:49 AM


Originally Posted by TheRainKing (Post 28367)
I was raised religious and I think a child would bring our arrangement into light. Thoughts?

As long as you are ok with it from your religious view, I would not worry too much about what other think. No matter what you do, you will offend someone of some religion. Your friends and family will hopefully see past any personal religious beliefs and accept you and your family for what it is. If they are so judgemental as to reject you or make life harsh, would you really want them in your life anyway?

I think things are going well for you. I hope they keep going that way. :)

LovingRadiance 05-06-2010 02:11 AM

Well I guess what exactly are your concerns would be my first question.

I am in a polyamorous relationship (two men and one woman-I'm the woman).

We have 4 kids between us. The oldest is mine from a previous relationship, the next is my husbands from his first wife. We've been together since the oldest was 6 and the next was 18 months old.
The third is my husband and mine's son. The youngest is the bio child of myself and bf.

All 4 kids are raised as siblings and they all call me mom and dh daddy. (yes even the youngest) and they all call Greengecko by his given name.

Greengecko and I were both raised from religious backgrounds, hubby was not. We also all attend a local christian church together.... :rolleyes:

But I'd be happy to answer specified questions with examples of situations we've encountered and how we handled them if you wanted to consider potential things that could come up.

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