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-   -   Confused? Frequency changing... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2696)

ellie 05-03-2010 04:03 PM

Confused? Frequency changing...
 
Need a bit of advice...

Looks like my partner wants to change the frequency we see each other, as we have been fighting alot lately (which has affected our bedroom habits).

We've been seeing each other about 4 days a week (one weekday and the weekend). Dating for a little over a year. I am the primary partner.

He just starting seeing someone else about 2 months ago...and wants to cut our time in half. Meaning go from 4 days down to 2 days. And seeing her 1 day during the week and leaving me for the weekend. He says his reasoning for this is more personal time for himself.

I am so used to seeing him during the week and weekends. I wouldn't mind seeing him 3 days but he thinks we need drastic measures. I just feel like she's the weekday girl and I'm the weekend girl.

I'm just a bit saddned and at a loss for words on what to do about the situation. Any thoughts would be appreicated

MonoVCPHG 05-03-2010 04:21 PM

Perhaps broadening your own activities? Hobbies or maybe explore your own new relationships?

Just a thought.

ellie 05-03-2010 04:27 PM

I have...we both have pretty busy lives (he works and is a musician on the side, and I have work and other things as well)...

I just wanted to see if this has ever happend to anyone and how they handled it. Considering this is first secondary, in the year we've been dating, (I've had a secondary partner before) I just felt a bit hurt by it I guess. I could fill up my time with many other things, I just had a nagging feeling this wasn't a good sign.

NeonKaos 05-03-2010 04:31 PM

I would trust my gut feeling if I were you. It does sound like he might be trying to gradually wean himself out of the relationship with you, regardless of what may or may not be going on with other people.

ellie 05-03-2010 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 28292)
I would trust my gut feeling if I were you. It does sound like he might be trying to gradually wean himself out of the relationship with you, regardless of what may or may not be going on with other people.

I started to feel that way, but he assures me that isn't the case. He's saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. And we are trying this for the month of May to see if it helps us fight less and get us back on track. (I do know he's been stressed out about work and other things). Just have the nagging feeling...and he's always told me the truth. So I'm trying to take it at face value. Just hard to do when someone else is involved.

Ariakas 05-03-2010 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie (Post 28295)
I started to feel that way, but he assures me that isn't the case. He's saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. And we are trying this for the month of May to see if it helps us fight less and get us back on track. (I do know he's been stressed out about work and other things). Just have the nagging feeling...and he's always told me the truth. So I'm trying to take it at face value. Just hard to do when someone else is involved.

Having 2 people in his life, he may well need time to himself. I wouldn't read to much into it unless you start to see other signs.

ellie 05-03-2010 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 28297)
Having 2 people in his life, he may well need time to himself. I wouldn't read to much into it unless you start to see other signs.

Thanks Ariakas...your words are encouraging...I'm trying hard not to read to much into it. I'm sure I would need time to myself as well if I had a secondary...I guess if I see any other signs I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

Ariakas 05-03-2010 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie (Post 28299)
Thanks Ariakas...your words are encouraging...I'm trying hard not to read to much into it. I'm sure I would need time to myself as well if I had a secondary...I guess if I see any other signs I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I am a very private person who is very very social. I have to consciously make time with friends, family and myself. If I ever find another partner again I would have to ensure I make time for myself :)...

Mono also mentioned it to a degree to. Occupy that time for yourself or your friends :)...might be a good chance to reconnect with other people.

:)

redpepper 05-03-2010 05:50 PM

I would take what he says as truth until you see otherwise. I know time for myself is my biggest hurdle to cross. Good for him asking for what he needs. It could be a good thing or not. Time will tell. Meanwhile, it could only be better for you to find fun things to occupy that time, as Mono says.

foxflame88 05-09-2010 07:24 PM

I have to agree with others... take him at his word unless you see otherwise. We all need time for ourselves, even if it isn't easy giving it to those we love and want to be with.


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