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-   -   BF is Poly, I'm finding my way (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26956)

skakitty 08-21-2012 06:54 PM

BF is Poly, I'm finding my way
 
Hi,

My boyfriend and I are late 20s from the UK and have been together for 16 months and have been Long distance for 11 of those!

We originally had a monogamous relationship and then he went to study abroad for a year. He told me that he couldn't be monogamous for that length of time and that we should break up and start seeing other people.

That didn't happen, we kept in contact and realised we wanted to be together and so came to the agreement that we would have an open relationship where we would be 'together' emotionally but date other people in our respective cities.

He has been home now for a month and initially I thought we would be monogamous again (which is what I have always practised) but he told me that he feels he can love more than one person at a time and feels he is poly.

This is really difficult for me. I have a lot of issues with insecurity because of past relationships (most of the guys cheated on me) and it's tough to learn to trust again and overcome my intrusive thoughts (i've also suffered from panic attacks/general anxiety/depressive episodes since I was 15/16)

I realise however that these are my issues to confront and I will still have them whether I'm in a poly relationship or a mono one. My mind will always find something to feel insecure about and I need to work on lessening that. I have been through CBT and other therapy, it's slowly working!

We're at the stage now of hashing out between us how we both want our relationship to go, and how we're going to support each other. I would say that I am leaning towards mono, but I am open minded to change and enjoy having FWB- I am unsure if I can LOVE two people at the same time, but just because I haven't experienced it before, does not mean it can't happen!

so.. that's me. Hi :)

lovefromgirl 08-21-2012 09:39 PM

There's nothing wrong with doing what's comfortable for you, provided it's all above-board. Cheating, no. Deciding you'll try FWB with a view to learning to love others? Sure, whatever floats your boat.

I also hear you on the panic disorder. Mine started the spring I was sixteen. I could handle the occasional depression if I didn't have the fscking panic to cope with, too.

skakitty 08-21-2012 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl (Post 149637)
There's nothing wrong with doing what's comfortable for you, provided it's all above-board. Cheating, no. Deciding you'll try FWB with a view to learning to love others? Sure, whatever floats your boat.

I also hear you on the panic disorder. Mine started the spring I was sixteen. I could handle the occasional depression if I didn't have the fscking panic to cope with, too.


Oh yeah, it has all been discussed and agreed upon.

They have been my FWB for many years now (I was single for 3 years before meeting my current bf) and it was really nice to have someone to talk to and enjoy sex with when my boyfriend was away, but I don't feel a pressing urge to continue seeing them now- I mean, i'm pretty 'take it or leave it' as I feel sexually and emotionally satisfied with my boyfriend, I guess that is the difference between us.

The anxiety is a bitch. Especially when it's frequent panic attacks or palpitations/shakes. Its at those times when it's really tough to calm down my insecurity and use my CBT techniques because my body is like 'ALERT! ALERT!' and just dealing with day to day stuff is too much, never mind emotions :)

SNeacail 08-21-2012 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skakitty (Post 149604)
I am unsure if I can LOVE two people at the same time, but just because I haven't experienced it before, does not mean it can't happen!

Exactly! It could very well be dependent on the person. If you have no desire to date others don't. You don't have to be poly to date a guy that is. Kudos on all the work your doing.

kdt26417 08-23-2012 09:55 PM

Hello skakitty,

I just wanted to say welcome. It sounds like you're in a time of transition, and dealing with some challenging psychological episodes while seeking to be at peace with the new situation. Poly/mono dyads do occur, so maybe that's your destination.

Regardless, I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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