So, I've decided to join y'all in the blogs :) The more I explore what it means to be poly, and to live poly, the more I feel an urge to get it out somewhere. This feels like a safe place to do that. The first couple posts will probably be backstory and cast of characters, and then hopefully relatively soon I can move into "real time."
I apologize in advance for my verbosity and sometimes scattered writing! :rolleyes:
In 2006, I met a man on the internet. We were both AOL customers, and he had seen my profile and decided to send me an AIM message. We chatted for several days, and finally had a first date. We shared calzone and a long walk in the rain, but at the end of the date I wasn't sure I wanted to see him again. He was 10 years older than me, had a 1-year-old child, and was short - all completely opposite of what I thought my "type" was.
He continued to send me emails and messages, and it took about a month and a half before I agreed to set aside my prejudices and see him again. On our second date we were supposed to watch DVDs, but instead I gave him my virginity (at 27! It was about time!) and we've been inseparable since.
Fly's son was the product of a one-night-stand he had while in a 9-year relationship. When kiddo was 11 months old, Fly's baby mama told him to either be a real dad or to get out of kiddo's life completely. Fly decided to be a dad, and told his girlfriend and family about kiddo, and, as he tells me, the shit hit the fan. Both Fly and his girlfriend are involved in a sport that has a fairly small community, and so in the process of breaking up he lost a lot of friends who chose her side. It was a difficult time for him, and it took about 6 years for them to even speak civilly.
Due to this experience, Fly was very upfront with me that he did not want to be monogamous. In fact, he didn't even really want anything but a casual relationship. He felt that he had failed his girlfriend, and was adamant that he was not going to make promises he could not keep. I, on the other hand, was pretty naive, with all the pretty dreams of weddings and fairytales and was really apprehensive about entering into something with a man who was not going to be faithful to me. Imagine my surprise when, the first time he told me he'd slept with another woman, it didn't really bother me! When Fly heard this, his eyes darkened with arousal and appreciation, and I began to think there may be a way to make this work after all.
There have been rough times, crunchy conversations, and moments when we thought we couldn't fix the holes, but now we've been together 6 and a half years, and are strong in our love, commitment, and what we want our life to look and feel like. He's my heart and foundation.
Another reason Fly thought we shouldn't be monogamous was because I had never been with anyone else. In high school and college I was pretty involved with my church, and the few boyfriends I'd had were church kids too. Fly felt pretty strongly that I needed space to figure out who I am.
I've always been a strongly sexual person, indulging frequently in self-love and fascinated by how people relate to each other regarding sex and romance. With Fly's encouragement, my first steps were to seek information from classes, workshops, and group meetings. I became an enthusiastic shopper at the toy store (Babeland rocks!), and signed up for a membership at the local sex-positive community center. It was there I first heard about polyamory, and took a "Poly 101" workshop. I instantly felt a kinship towards the people who shared their experiences about how they built their families, how they structured their lives based on love instead of societal expectations. I wasn't ready to jump in the deep end, but polyamory simmered in the back of my mind for the next 4-5 years.
It was also about this time that I came to the firm conclusion that I am bisexual, at least sexually. I'd flirted with the idea for quite a while - there was a girl I was friends with in high school who was self-professed bi (now I think it was mostly for shock value), and I'd secretly had a bit of a hero crush on her. But for the first time, I'd begun to seriously consider dating and sleeping with a woman, and it felt erotic and appealing.
So, along with my Poly 101 and Art of the Blowjob classes, I took "Women Flirting with Women." :) My first impulse when confronted with new ideas is always to find a book or take a class, and it was no different with my sexuality.
A Jump Forward to Today
I was going to be all cool and chronological, but I'm squeeing with NRE, and I just have to write it out! :)
Fly really wanted to experience a FMF. We'd had MFM, and I'd been involved with a couple for a while, but this was something he'd never done. I'm not opposed to casual sex, although it's not something I'd seek out, so I agreed that if he found someone I could click with, I'd participate with him. He excitedly made profile for us on AFF, and came to me with a message from a woman he'd contacted there.
Initially, I did not find her appealing. She's 19 years older than me, her profile said nothing about her being attracted to women, and her picture was not particularly flattering. Despite my misgivings, however, I agreed to meet her.
As I opened the door and saw her on our doorstep for the very first time, there was this connection that I felt pulling in my gut. I had sex with her and Fly that night, and I felt so at home in her arms, her heart beating under my cheek, even her the scent of her skin made me feel safe. I've never been hit something so instant and overwhelming.
She's my Moonlight, and we talk and text for hours, have so much to tell and share with each other. When I'm with her, I feel adored and cherished, protected, and I have a need to take care of her. She's my first real romantic relationship with another woman, and it's the most amazing thing. We know how to touch each other, we have an empathy for each other that I've never experienced with a man, and I completely bubble over with joy, all the time now.
It also makes me smile to think how "poly" everything is. Fly has never been interested in anyone I've dated; in fact, he'd rather not know. He graciously agreed to meet Punk, and they've had polite conversation, but there's never been real compersion. He's happy when I'm happy, and sympathizes when Punk and I have rough times, but with Moonlight it's utterly different. Perhaps because it began with all 3 of us being sexually involved, but he's so thrilled for me to have found a girlfriend that I'm rapidly falling in love with, and content for she and I to have our own dyad that is emotionally and romantically tied. He and Moonlight have a lot in common and enjoy hanging out socially, and he and I have even discussed the possibility of inviting her on some of our long international trips we take every year. I love that they get along and even enjoy each other, and the delight Fly has for us is so strange and beautiful to me.
The three of us have hung out several times, and sex together 3 times, but tonight Moonlight and I get to have our first girls-only date and I'm absolutely beside myself. With Fly there, I stress a little bit that he's being left out, because she and I are so into each other, that it will be so exciting and freeing to just concentrate on being with her and interacting one-on-one. This is the first time I've felt like I've truly been going through NRE, and it's intoxicating!
Bliss - a Night with Moonlight
Champagne, cheese and crackers, conversation.
Kisses, soft lips, gentle tongue, sweet breath.
Hands caressing my ass, breasts, cupping my cheeks, lifting my chin, stroking my hair.
Dark limbs twined with pale, yin and yang in the glow of a street light through the window.
Laughter, sighs, moans, whispers, secrets.
The taste of her in my mouth, the sound of her cries in my ears, the tremble of her muscles beneath my fingertips.
Peace, passion, vulnerability, safety, ecstasy, arousal, trust.
I think I'm well on my way to loving this woman.
If you fall too deep, do you think you will still be able to look at your BF the same and have the same emotions for him as before?
It's funny, but in the beginning, I thought polyamory was about filling the gaps. I had a laundry list of stuff that Fly isn't, that I thought I could get with someone else. "I'm going to find someone more romantic, who enjoys theater and ballet, who likes road trips, who will tell me they love me more often, who will enjoy going to family gatherings with me...blah blah blah." What I've discovered is that it's not like that at all. Moonlight and Fly are completely different and separate people, and our relationships with each other stand alone. There are qualities about each that are unique, and qualities that they have in common. I'm not using one to plug the other's holes. It was hard to understand that until I started living it, and then it was a bit of an epiphany.
What Fly and I have together didn't happen by accident. There are a lot of tears, angry words, apologies, negotiations, love, compromises, and acts of generosity in the foundation of our relationship. Commitment is a cornerstone, and even though we know we might not be together forever, we're both invested in each other and our life together. If we hadn't put in the work we did (and continue to do every day), we wouldn't be able to offer other people a place in our lives.
This thing with Moonlight is so very new, and overwhelming and the NRE is flowing. :rolleyes: I have dreams of her becoming a co-primary; perhaps not live-in, but in an emotional/time sense. But I know that I need to bring all that starry-eyed stuff down a level, because we've been dating such a short time. I don't know how Fly would deal with that scenario, because raising a kid means we've made certain commitments (like having dinner together every weeknight) that are non-negotiable and place limits on my availability. Juggling a co-primary who doesn't live particularly close (Moonlight's about 30-40 minutes away) would be tricky and require a lot of communication among the three of us. I do know that it's important to him that I'm happy, and his patience and kindness are some of the things I love about him.
In fact, having the freedom and support to love other people increases my love for him. :) I marvel at the way my life has turned out, and am grateful to the universe for placing incredible people like Fly, Punk, and Moonlight in my path.
*swoons* Your story is so sweet (and the Bliss post is so hot!). Mmm, happy for you and your lovers. :)
Oft' Overlooked Punk
Thanks Annabel! :)
I suddenly remember why I don't blog - I am completely irresponsible about keeping it up. However, I think it's good for my soul, so I'm going to try to maintain this one. However, I think I'm going to abandon the retro catch-up template. I'm pretty sure y'all probably know enough to get where I'm coming from by now.
However, I realized as I was reading over what I'd previously written that I haven't hardly mentioned Punk at all so far. I think it's probably because our relationship is realigning itself a bit over the last couple months, and he's not quite as present in my life as he used to be.
It took about a year of being with Fly before I was ready to try being with other people. My first was a man I had met at a meet-and-greet at a Whole Foods wine tasting that was organized by an adult yahoo mailing list that my boyfriend had asked me to join. At this point, I wasn't really in any category except non-monogamous - open, swinger, poly, none of those words really fit yet. Anyway, Dashing (he's quite a charmer, dapper man) was about 20 years older than me, and was a lovely second man. We saw (slept with) each other for several months, before I broke it off because he really wanted a woman to be half of a swinger couple, and I just wasn't interested. The whole swinger scene doesn't match me; I get turned off by how couple-centric it is, and I also felt like women were very much treated like the possessions of their men. Dashing actually just found my OKCupid profile last week, I was a bit tickled to hear from him again. :)
After that, I sort of dabbled a bit, and ended up with a series of FWB. One was a couple who I originally became entangled with the girlfriend, but later became closer to the guy when she turned out to be batshit crazy. Another was this boy who really wanted me to leave my boyfriend and elope with him. Anyway, all of them were based primarily on sex and friendship, and with all of them, the sex fizzled and the friendship remained. I'm still in touch with almost all of them on a regular basis through text and facebook.
I am a lazy polyamorist. I have a profile on OKCupid, but I never check out other people's profiles, and I rarely respond to people who message me. I mostly just take the quizzes. :rolleyes: However, almost a year ago, Punk sent me a message, and he was funny and sweet, and had clearly read my profile and paid attention. We bonded over a shared quest for the perfect luggage to suit our travel needs. We're dorks like that.
Punk is 40, and in an open, polyamorous marriage for about 10 years. He has a daughter who was conceived in a poly triad situation, because his wife is unable to bear children. His wife is into BDSM, and has 2-3 boyfriends and a variety of play/scene partners. Punk, on the other hand, is relatively vanilla. We clicked almost immediately, and our first date was coffee at Starbucks, which migrated to a local bar once the Starbucks closed. We spent hours chatting and flirting, and he finished the evening by leading me out into the foggy parking lot at 2 AM, and pressing me against the car for an intense makeout session. Yuuuummmmmy.
We settled into a routine of spending at least one night a week together, occasionally two. He was the first truly polyamorous relationship I had been in. I met his wife and one of her boyfriends on our second date, and also his daughter. I was slightly surprised by this, as Fly and I don't let anyone spend time around our kiddo, and don't until we've gotten to know someone quite well over a significant amount of time. Punk and his wife don't seem to have any problems being affectionate with their various lovers in front of her, however, and it seems to work for them.
Punk and I quickly discovered a common love of the Food Network, movies, and Red Mango. We've spent many nights snuggled on his couch, watching Chopped and mocking the contestants who cry. Punk is also the first person that I asked Fly to meet. We have sort of a DADT, or at least we did for the first few years. Fly is intensely private, and never wanted to discuss anyone he was seeing, especially since he doesn't build relationships with other people. He never really wanted to know about my lovers either, but I told him anyway, because I'm an open book and I love to discuss and analyze...um...everything, really. It felt very strange, however, that I knew Punk's wife and was welcome in his home, and that wasn't true for mine. Once Fly realized how important it was to me, he agreed to a quick hello one evening when Punk came to pick me up for a date. It was a very casual interaction, but monumental as far as a bit of a turning point for Fly and me.
I'm not quite sure what Punk and I have at this point. There's definitely love and affection, and attraction, but we've definitely become more distant over the last few months, for a variety of reasons. I find Punk's wife to be self-centered and controlling, and feel like his whole life revolves around his. His availability is completely dictated by her schedule, and their life together is arranged solely to appease her. It frustrates me to no end. Additionally, he's been traveling a lot for work, which adds to the logistical difficulties. And, the most challenging piece is that we have no privacy anymore. His wife invited some down-on-their-luck friends to move in with them. Every time Punk and I hang out at his house now, they're in our face, watching tv with us, hovering in the background, wandering in and out of the room when we're talking or trying to be intimate. I also think the woman in the couple would like to develop something with Punk, and I don't care if they do except that I resent her horning in on my already limited time with him. She f*cking LIVES with him, surely there's another moment of the day she could get her flirt on besides during our date. Grr. Punk would lay down the law, so to speak, but it would anger his wife, and he's pretty under her thumb.
My house doesn't work either, because Fly and I have some agreements in place that I choose to respect. We've decided that neither of us will have sex (including major making out) in the house while the other person or the kiddo is home (even if they're asleep). Also, we've agreed to not show physical affection to another partner in front of kiddo, unless and until we have a specific discussion and agreement in place regarding a particular person. Not being able to kiss, cuddle, or nuzzle on a date isn't much fun. And although we love going out to dinner or a movie, we see each other so infrequently that it's hard to connect in public the way we do in private.
So, for now, we're more lover-friends who see each other occasionally and text occasionally, when it's easy to do so. There are still a lot of good feelings between us, but we're taking on a different role in each other's lives than we had during the last 10 months or so.
Last Thursday, I got to spend my first overnight with Moonlight at her house. It was absolutely the bomb diggity to be able to love her and be satisfied and sated and not have to drive home at 1 AM! I still had to get up at 5 AM so I could be home in time to get ready for work, but it was really beautiful to wake up next to her for and to receive sleepy morning cuddles and kisses before I left. She had bought me a little gift at a craft fair when she was out of town last weekend, and it made me all gooey and swoony that she thought of me. Every time I get to be with her, I slide that much deeper into the love quicksand.
I'm worried, however, that I'm getting to be stretched too thin, time wise. The summer has been nice, because Kiddo's mom has taken him for a week several times over the last couple months, but school starts tomorrow and it's back to our regular routines. I take a lot of responsibility for the running of the household and the childcare, not because I'm the chick but more because I'm good at it, and caring for my home and family satisfies some weird Suzie Homemaker impulse that I try to deny so I won't have to turn in my feminist card. :)
Additionally, my work continues to be stressful, and Fly's new position/promotion has taken a toll on our home life. He swears it's just until he gets the department back in shape and running well, but I'm skeptical. On top of all that, in 3 weeks Fly, Kiddo, and I will be spending 34 days on a trip to South America. I'm so incredibly excited, but there's so much to DO before we go, and I'm also trying to squeeze in as many babysitting gigs as I can so that I'll actually have money to spend on our trip.
Moonlight has expressed envy of the sheer amount of time Fly gets to spend with me, simply because we live together. I know in the weeks ahead that I have to be conscientious about making her a priority, especially since Fly and I will get to be together a lot (maybe a little too much! :) ) on our vacation. I'm feeling a lot of pressure on all sides, and it's freaking me out a little. Do you remember the scene in the movie Cinderella where the step-sisters are pulling at her dress and hair and tearing her to shreds? That's kind of where I'm at - Fly, Moonlight, Kiddo, work, my family, the house...they're all pulling at me and leaving me ragged.
I know all this is a result of the incredible bounty of blessings - love, opportunities, friendships, material things - that I have in my life, but it's nonetheless stressing me out, and vacation can't come too quickly!
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