No longer the unicorn
I'm a bit of a fan of 'streams of consciousness', so bear with me :p
I'll start by saying i'm bi/pan, and i've known i was poly/not-monogomous for years, however i'm still, as my female partner calls me - a unicorn. a mythical creature who remained a virgin into their 20's. its a bit embarrassing LOL. but i guess i should just suck it up and admit it. i've done everything but that so far.
I also tend to end up in circumstances that flaunt societies expectations of me most of the time.
So....all the way back to the start? um, well maybe just a few years back.
H(f) and M(m) have been on again/off again for about 10 years, but are adults now and in a stable relationship. H has a son from a prior relationship, and they have two daughters together.
H and i reconnected as close friends two and a half years ago when their first daughter was born (i'm slightly obsessed with kids and childbirth :p ), and i moved in with H when she had M took a break in their relationship 18months ago.
At the time M was a total d!ckwad, chronic dope smoker, and just...not a guy i could like as a friend, let alone anything else.
But H and i are as close as can be - we've jokingly referred to ourselves as sister wives for 2 years, just because of how close we are. But we've never really been all that sexually attracted to each other.
And then baby girl nr 2 was born late last year, and she had a *lot* of issues, nearly died, and ended up in hospital for two months. And M finally had the chance to step up and change who he was (which he did :D ).
And in the mean time, i took over full time care of both the older children.
keeping up? :p
So, back to the initial "v-card", i made a joke to H about a month ago that i was considering asking her to borrow her man to get rid of the damn thing, and she went...hmmm, interesting. took it back to M, and they discussed it
and then we discussed it together.
and slowly, with LOTS of conversations we've ended up in a triad. (eta: ironically - i'm currently dragging my heels. i'm so old that its a bit scary now, and i'm a bit used to being the weirdo who can't get laid :P )
Its not quite a balanced triad, mostly because, while H and i are absolutely happy to be sexual together - we're not actually that sexually attracted to each other. so if M's not involved, we'd rather sit and gossip for an evening/be best friends. But we're more than happy to get together if he's involved.
So we're still learning how to make it work. Kind of going with the assumption 'the only right way, is the one that makes us happy'.
Ironically, i would have been happy being their 'dirty little secret' - but neither of them are ok with me treating myself that way. So we started coming out to people.
So far, 4 out of 6 parents know. And the worst reaction from any of them has been 'i don't understand how either of you girls likes M - he's a wanker' (from her dad...who has a longstanding grudge against M :p but is *thrilled* to bits to gain me as a daughter in law).
I haven't told my dad yet, more from lack of opportunity than anything - but apparently he and mum did the poly/open thing, so he'll just be relieved i'm happy.
And not a single friend has raised an eyebrow. Its such a natural progression of where we were, that no one has really cared.
So, that's my poly story so far. I'll come post in here - but i'd love to hear from other people (i tend to post more if i know people are reading what i write :rolleyes: silly, i know).
Your story doesn't sound all that strange to me. So what if you were a late bloomer? Not everyone needs to be 15. It's better to wait. Society just wants you to believe otherwise.
Is M good for both of you now?
Its funny. H has sensory processing disorder, and i have aspergers. so she and i are both very introverted, often get 'touched out', prefer verbal intimacy to physical. so in a lot of ways - we *all* get exactly what we need at the moment. because M has adhd and constantly wants to be cuddling and intimate and affectionate. and this way when one of us tells him to piss off, there's another girl to go to. :p poor guy (although luckily i'm such a deep sleeper, he actually does get to snuggle overnight. if i was any lighter sleeper i'd feel truly sorry for him).
and even though the relationship is still new. the whole dynamic was going on well before any sexual element was added, so the kids aren't aware of any 'major' shifts to my knowledge.
i'm trying to find an internet meme H found for us the other day - but basically the quote was 'polyamory is having two girlfriends gang up on you'. that sums up our family :D [in a nice way]
I've been at my mums for the last two nights due to work commitments, and urgh. i did not enjoy being away from my people. add to that, the fact that yesterday was quite a trying day emotionally (first at work) and difficulties with uni work and something in my biological family that's rattled me a bit.
And its just amazing coming home. They were both worried because i was acting weird, and have promised me a bit of a 'love in' this evening. but the anxiety truly gets a bit less when i can just wrap myself up in one of them.
And then, i finally heard back from a friend interstate, whom i had come out to a few days ago. who has just started her 'congratulations' with something along the lines of "i won't tell you my opinions of 'poly' relationships...but as long as you are communication and have clear agreements then i suppose...congratulations i'll be happy for you" :(
Luckily not a close friend of mine, but it hurts more because i'm just in a weird headspace anyway.
It's bizarre to think that this has only been a real relationship for a month.
I think the fact that our relationships were already so strong before we started being sexual has truly helped. I'm sure I've still got a lot of the NRE, but at the same time, we act like an old married family LOL
M gave both me and H a beautiful necklace each last night. Her's has two pendants, one big heart and two small entwined hearts. Cause there's three of us (although my first reaction was 'it's the three kids' lol. Clearly, the kids are important to me). And mine has a pendant with love written in a heart.
Totally gorgeous. And I'm very impressed that he not only chose them himself...but got us different ones <3
Plus H and I spent about an hour doing indepth talking about where we're at, what we feel etc. which is always very soothing and cleansing I find. It's been one of the things that has helped ground me over the last eighteen months, since we moved in together.
I also told my sister today (we're both at uni full time so I haven't seen her in about a month :-( ). And she was ecstatic for me. We're having coffee tomorrow so I can gush and she can gush about her boy :-)
So we've just been cruising along the last few days.
Had a bit of a hiccup where 'FIL' (H's dad - i've been calling him that for a year or more) was acting strangely a few days ago, and had insisted that M and i not be at all affectionate infront of him :rolleyes:
But in the end he accepted the fact that its *our* house and he's the guest. well semi-accepted, but he's not going to get rude if we are at all affectionate infront of him.
I accidentally called M darling today, right infront of him, and he didn't freak out. So far, so good.
I think, actually witnessing any kind of affectionate/sexual behaviour will be where most of our friends/family will trip up. Because they're used to seeing us interact otherwise, especially in a parenting role.
Other than that. We're such a boring family :D its all about the kids, and then early nights. I'm desperately trying to get through uni, and having these occasional moments of 'i should NOT be trying to navigate the treacherous path that is a relationship right now'. not that its that treacherous. its very alluring though - kind of like a selkie, i just want to follow it into the waves and lose myself in it.
But i can't. stupid real world :mad:
We're also planning to go to our first, local 'poly-meet' next week. Only two of us can go (since we don't have a babysitter), but that's ok. I suspect that H and i will go, and i'm very much looking forward to it.
I am the type of person who often has a lot of excessive fears, and an extraordinary ability to over think anything in any given situation.
My uni-graduation is fast approaching, which is exciting (and petrifying - after this comes 'the real world'), and we have two organised events to celebrate. a casual pub event which is being hosted by my class, as well as a graduation ball which the faculty will host for us. Both cost and arm and a leg, and of course - both come with an invite for partners to attend.
and i feel a bit stumped by what to do. I am sure that both H & M think i should take M, which i'd love to do. But being poly is not socially acceptable yet, and my classmates have heard of H and 'her' partner often enough before we became a triad that i can't imagine they wouldn't cotton onto the fact that her M and my as yet nameless partner are one and the same.
And i don't feel safe enough with any of them to truly explain my lifestyle to them. PLUS, i worry. what would the professional ramifications be? i've considered just buying the two tickets and potentially taking H, and to just imply to those friends who don't understand anything other than mono that 'my' partner couldn't make it. but it feels deceptive and wrong.
I'm not ashamed of M (except when he's being gross :p and if he reads this, love you!) or H for that matter, but at the same time, our city is small. maybe 1 million inhabitants, 2 if you consider the state as a whole. We have the whole two-degree's of separation going on, not the 6 degrees that you get with the whole world. So how could this affect me long term?
And yet, i GUSH about them both. I may only refer to H as my partner very rarely, but i gush about her anyway, and she and i def have no NRE left. We've lived together for 20+ months after all.
And i knew about M's flaws well before i saw tthe positives (of which there are many, and more each day <3 ) so i might still be a little bit in that new-relationship phase, i'm certainly not blinded by the blank canvas of a 'new' person.
Half the time i just want to shout it from the roof tops and the other half i want to tell people not to expect me to detail or define my life because they should mind their own business LOL.
So i guess, really, the moral of the story for me should be, discuss this sh!t with your partners, not the internet. After all, that's what they are there for. :p
Thank you for the good reading material :-)
I hope your events go well, whatever you decide on guests. Myself, I'd take both, assuming that most won't notice more than you having your two best friends along.
But I think going to Both is going to be stupid enough, let alone both with a second person :-(
since I won't start earning money till next year. :(
Glad you are enjoying my journey :D
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