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-   -   Blurring sexual practices with partners (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26820)

transcendental 08-20-2012 08:58 AM

Blurring sexual practices with partners
 
I have a husband of 5 years (together for 10), and a partner of four months, we started as a BDSM play-pairing and have become more deeply connected. It has been hard for all of us because it is new. My husband is mono and we were monogamous until a couple of years ago and my partner has never been a secondary.

The thing that is surprising me is that my husband, while finding things very difficult, is also changing in positive ways directly because of my partner and I don't know how to deal with it.

The sex was rather poor with my husband. Before we opened up we managed to improve things a lot, but since I have been with my partner things have been drastically better. He is aroused more often, initiates more often, experiments more, tells me I am sexy more. It is all fantastic! And genuine, I feel very lucky. But, some things he gets from my partner and I don't know if that is ok or not. It feels like I am blurring the lines between them and that seems a bit weird. For example, my partner is helping me with personal training. I do the exercises by myself, but I do them naked for fun. My husband knows this and today he told me he likes to think of me doing them. But for me, this is something I do "with" my partner. Likewise, my partner got me into masturbating using clothespins on my nipples. As part of the open communication with my husband this was one of the examples I gave about the sort of things my partner gets me to do. Now my husband seems to like the idea.

I feel like it is a betrayal of my partner doing things with my husband. Is this stupid? Am I over-analysing things? Should I just be grateful that the relationship with my partner has had a positive impact? It has been very challenging building an open relationship, but I was expecting challenges. I was not expecting these developments and I was unprepared for them.

dingedheart 08-20-2012 08:25 PM

Glad things are working out for you :)

Does your partner care, object and or feel betrayed that that your husband watches you doing your naked home work or how you choose to masturbate in front of your husband.

I why not enjoy the new found happiness....build on it.

jndmoore 08-20-2012 08:51 PM

The way my wife and I looked at it was this way, I know how to pleasure my wife...but that is not to say I could not do some things better or that she may have even known it was better. Then her partner opened some doors on some things and we both realized we liked it more than we thought we would and now it has become regular practice. Should any of us feel bad that he was the one to enlighten us? Nope, we should feel grateful because we are growing...both as individuals and as a couple. I would sit down with both men and express your 'issues' and gauge how they feel, but odds are your partner will be happy your husband is growing and your husband will continue to thrive as a result which pays dividends for you. But if you keep them to yourself, you will only continue to fret needlessly.

GalaGirl 08-21-2012 12:50 AM

Quote:

As part of the open communication with my husband this was one of the examples I gave about the sort of things my partner gets me to do.
Look, how would husband know if you did not tell? Does partner tell him? Or you tell him? Then you are good. It is learned openly in conversation, right? There is not some kind of TMI rule in place? Then there is no actual betrayal happening here.

Unless YOU are betraying YOURSELF by agreeing to an "open communication" policy that does not actually sit well with you. Maybe you prefer a policy that is more like "TMI is TMI. You can know when we have sex, and sex health info, but not the sex details of what we do because that makes me feel weird."

Obey your own limits! Do not compromise yourself. Just because the two guys are fine without a TMI wall, doesn't mean YOU are. And if YOU are not, then the TRIO AS A WHOLE is not even though certain people in it are. The TRIO is not. And it cannot be forced.

But if you like your totally open communication policy? Have no TMI limit you are denying/ignoring inside you?

No problems are here other than you needing time to get used to this new dynamic then. Enjoy it freely -- there is no betraying if you are all happy with open communication policy.

GG

nycindie 08-21-2012 01:08 AM

Oh, honey, share the love!

Haven't we all learned moves, techniques, and what our sexual preferences are from all our past lovers, which teaches us for the next person? I don't see this as any different. As long as your partner doesn't mind you sharing details with your hubs, it all sounds great. Bring it home -- what you do with each person will still be unique because of that person's energies. It's not betrayal, it's making the most of a rich and varied sex life! Enjoy!

LovingRadiance 08-21-2012 01:23 AM

I think that it's actually a positive sign.

I feel like I am closer to my husband AND my boyfriend when things that make me happier, healthier, more loved, etc become common knowledge by both of them AND are enjoyed by both of them.

;)

Magdlyn 08-21-2012 01:26 AM

It's fine to share what sexual/kink practices you learned from your bf with your husband, if bf is OK with you sharing, and vice versa.

However, if there are certain things you want to keep special, to only do with your secondary for a while, or forever, simple solution! Don't tell your husband what you did or are doing!

transcendental 08-21-2012 05:49 AM

You are all awesome! Thank you!

I think I should just go with it.

My partner doesn't want to know much about what happens with hubby, although he will happily talk about him if the conversation comes up.

Hubby likes to know "vague details, just ideas" about the sex stuff. This was part of the learning to deal with the situation. He was very vanilla and had no idea about BDSM practices of any sort. He started reading things and discussing stuff with me so he could find out more about why I might need kinks and what that means. It seems to have made him question himself a bit more. Totally amazing side effect. By BDSM standards, he is still vanilla but he tied me up the other day (yey!), whereas just a year ago if I tried to get him to do that he would have freaked out. I guess I should just go with it.

It does seem like it is more "my" issue than theirs. I'll be sure to carefully work out what I want to keep to myself, and what I want/am able to share between both of them.

Thanks again!

AutumnalTone 08-22-2012 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by transcendental (Post 149263)
I feel like it is a betrayal of my partner doing things with my husband. Is this stupid? Am I over-analysing things? Should I just be grateful that the relationship with my partner has had a positive impact? It has been very challenging building an open relationship, but I was expecting challenges. I was not expecting these developments and I was unprepared for them.

I wouldn't say it;s stupid, though I do think it's a bit silly.

Flip it around a bit: why would you want to leave your husband out of things that you find enjoyable? Why would you set up your bf as being special enough to do some things with and your husband as being far too inferior to do those things with?

Seriously, if your husband gets excited by new things and wants to improve your sex life--you know, the one that also includes you--why would you want to make your sex life less interesting by placing limits on it like that?

cuninglingwist 08-24-2012 01:16 AM

copy cat sexing
 
Imagin hubby and partner in art class you fall inlove with your partner for his art, hubby isent very good, your partner gives him a few lessons on the side, a few months later hubbies art is amazing, instead of encouraging hubbys art and being proud of him, you feel betrayed by your partner? why? because hubby is taking away the excitment and adoration you feel about your partners art?
maybe hubby should get a partner who would love his art without creating all the self serving drama you crave, and you would not have to look at it or experiance it, but then again you would proberbly get jelouse of the other woman enjoying his new found art. it sure does sound dissturbing but ill call it silly, silly is good.


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