Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Breaking up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26786)

ParadigmCrime 08-19-2012 03:17 PM

Breaking up
Brief history. 10 yrs ago I was a commited non-relationship person. They just never worked for me. At the same time, met an awesome woman through a friend (who had a sexual relationship with her). We started off as friends, and eventually 8-9 yrs ago sorta became a regular in eachothers little black book. This woman was also a non-relationship person, we had friends, and we had sex. Well over the years, no matter how hard we both didnt want it, we started feeling more. Both of us ignored this for quiet a while.. time moved on, I met other people, and then one day it hit me, I realized I loved this other FWB, and I loved her. Not just friends, but I was like holy hell how do I, Ms. nonrelationship person LOVE two people at once? Well I always knew about polyamory, so I accepted much to my resistance, that yes... I can love, and be in love, not only that, but with multipul people.

Time moves on, and so do lives. The second person moved on.. but I kept seeing this woman. Sort of the same FWB, but we both realized and talked alot more openly about love. Well My life took me other places, and people... I eventually came to settle on a good place in life, and things were working for me where I have moved. I started thinking of getting some acres & a house. not nessesarly with said person. She lived far off. Well, 2-3 yrs ago, she was visiting, and telling me things are not working for her where she lives, and if she could move here with me. I got scared, nervious and at the same time curious. I said let me think about it. 24 hours later, I told her, lets try it. It was new for both of us, to live with a lover. In the process of her moving here, My goal of finding a house, came to fruit. So, we moved into -my- house (this has always been clear) that I just bought. She started trying to make her way here, finding work, going to school. Whatever it takes ya know.

For the most part, she made progress in school. Currently thats all her life... and really this is the problem. Its her only life, NOTHING else here is working or her. She has no friends, she doesnt meet any other lovers, the ruralness of it doesnt work for her, the weather is too extream (very long winters at 8500 ft)... its slowly been picking at her, and her attitude has just become real real fucking shitty over the past year.. She takes it out on me, or our 'friend' who lives here (in a way, a lover, but thats pretty fresh with me, although they do have a much longer history). Our poor friend, she asked if someone could come live with us.... me trying to envision my dream of this house, as giving people a chance, to find themselves, and do something with her life.. I said sure... sure enough, me and him hit it off, although thats more of just a play friend currently... I wouldnt say this is interfering at all... because this drama with her has been going on long before he got here. Now all she can do is pick fights with people... all the time constantly in a bad mood. NEVER can have fun or smile.. really really taxing. taxing as all hell... however I always try and just deal with it.. but the straw the broke the back.... is when we have all gone out with friends, or out into the city, to have fun... Everthhing to her just SUCKS, its just stupid, and she proceeds to drink, and then its exasperated to the extream.

We all went out last weekend with some new friends (something that has been bugging us... is not meeting new people)...I knew it was gonna be bad when she started drinking... i mean I just know her, but I also know the place shes in life... well that was it... I CANT TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT FUCK ATTITUDE. we all made it home.. no feelings were hurt with my new friends, and she was passed out drunk on the couch..

I dont want to be one of those people who says things, then doesnt do them.. I had told our friend (who lives here).. I need to break up with. So the next morning, we sat in the sun, and had a big talk.

There was no aruging, no yelling, not much crying... basically we talked about where her life is going... and the truth here is something I already knew, I just got her to see what was going on. Stuff just aint working for her here.. its not our love.. our love is still strong... but her life isnt going anywhere. All she has is school, no friends, no other lovers, no activities she likes, she hates the winters... nothing..

and I said.. You cant stay here just because you love me. Your life needs to grow, and develope in a place that is working for you;... if its not here, love is not enough. It just isnt ya know.. it doesnt matter how much you love eachother.. self progress is important, not only that, but growing spiritually mentally or whatever in the same VIBE as your partner(s)... So... I am not so cold as to fuck up the one thing going for her... her schooling.. Shes going to finish up this semester.. I told her she needs to evaluate where she needs to go in life... She didnt want to really admit it, but we both know... its not here... no matter how much we love eachother. In the mean time I had to tell her something, that was hard, especially hard on her....

I gotta step back. Even while she lives here. I cant live a delusion, and in all honesty I dont find her attractive when shes behaving this way. Im tired of her shit fuck attiitude about everything, and how I cant take her out anywhere, because it always ends in a mess. Doesnt matter if we go hiking, dancing, or whatever.

We all have our own bedrooms, so its not like anyones out on the couch. Its still hard though... I told her I can hold her and help her through tough shit... but for my sake, to not fall into delusion I got to step back from the relationship. We sorta went through this 6 months ago.. and set a 'reevaluation' time... and of course, because I didnt step back... when it was time to reevaluate... we were in a particularly good state for a couple weeks. Of course, the good weeks have been far less then the bad months, Ill tell you that.

Ive never in my life broken up with anyone. Prior to being poly, I didnt have relationships of meaning, and prior to that I played only a little in monagamy.. In those relationships, I was always the person who got dumped. In the back of my mind this whole past year, I was hoping she was realize all this on her own, and dump me, because my little bit of experience I know how to deal with that... however here I am, 33 and I have to be the one to break up with someone... it wasnt easy... but in a way today, I feel free. I love her still, but the energy and her life was suffocating. killing, and strangling my household.

ParadigmCrime 08-19-2012 03:37 PM

also just to make clear, jealousy, and other lovers, and sex with other people has NEVER been a problem in our relationship. Hell just last week I ended up in a threesome with a new friend, and the other person who lives with us. The new friend was soooo worried it would cause a problem.. I told her not to sweat it... and when we all wokeup sometime in the afternoon, we got up and my main lover made us all breakfast (even though she wasnt involved)... if anything she was happy I had fun, and wasnt jealous at all... That was actually a good day with her... ironically, it didnt involve her, and shitty enough, thats the best day I can remember in the past couple of weeks, where there was no shitty attitude.

The only thing that bothered her a little, was she doesnt end up having fun like this.. and thats because we didnt take her out that night, because she has a shitty attitude about everyone and everything around her. So me and the boy went out to a party, and well.. ended up in bed with a new friend and him. I made it clear, that if she had a better attitude about living here, theres no doubt she would have had fun that night.. But if you are set in a shitty mood, you will only have shitty times... its an attitude about her life that just isnt working for anyone.

cuninglingwist 08-19-2012 03:51 PM

Dont feel bad, your not alone.
I think your very smart in doing what you did, but mostly for her. I lived with an alcoholic for two years, when she was good she was good, but when she was bad she was a horror story, I was becoming her enabler because i cared so much, finally while she was at work I moved her stuff to her storage, and simply told her you dont live hear anymore, she hated me for this and I felt bad about it, but after she was gone I felt this whole weight off my shoulders, I had to do it for my own sanity, later Imet her she has moved in with another guy but still needs her bottle everyday, where before she was happy to enjoy me and another girl, but today with her uptight closed minded boyfriend she is a strait arrow sexually, infact she told me she hasent had sex in 6 months and dosent care, but thanked me for saving her life, she understands now finally.

ParadigmCrime 08-19-2012 04:05 PM

just to clairfy.. the alcohol isnt the underlying problem. Because she has a shitty attitude about life even sober. Drinking just makes things worse.. and in general doesnt drink everyday.

Actually Im probably more of an alcoholic than her. I drink everyday, but even she will agree, that I am a jolly drunk, and really I just have alot of fun when I drink. I wouldnt say I get drunk everyday, but I usually have 3 beers every night.. and if I go out (and its not my turn to be the DD).. i generally get pretty drunk, but nothing bad happens.

She told me its hard to live with me because I drink, and it makes her want to drink.. (another thing that isnt working here for her).. My drinking isnt the problem, my getting drunk isnt the problem.. its the fact it makes her want to drink, because she thinks she will have fun too... but shes a real mean and nasty drunk.

Well I guess in my opinion, people who are in a shitty place in life.. get that way when they drink.. Its really a symptom, rather than the actual problem. In my previous history I have been a mean drunk, and thats because I was in a bad place in life... know what I did? I quit drinking, and focused on changing what was wrong. Now things work fairly well for me in life, I drink, I have fun. If I feel in a shitty place, I dont drink.

ya know, I could prolly make it easier, if I didnt keep drinks in the house, and I didnt drink at all... that would at least not 'tempt' her... but I know this is gonna sound terrible... drinking works for me, its not effecting me negativly at all, and if anything mostly has a positive impact... its her drinking that just makes her already shitty situation, even worse

The only reason we made it this long, was before the 2012 new year, I told her she needs to stop drinking for a while, or get out, because its too much. Well sure things calmed down, and really just placated everything, there was still this underlying shit-fuck attitutde.. and now that its been summer, of course she wanted to -try- and have fun, and has been drinking.. and its flashing back to last december.

So yeah.. drinking is a problem, but its not THE problem. it just exposes the deeper issue, and brings it to up front and center.

GalaGirl 08-19-2012 07:11 PM

Your story moved me.

And you have good ethics -- it is true. You HAVE to pull back and not be lovers. Dial it down to being friends. So at the end of the semester, she can move to where she needs to be. Encourage a medical check up as part of sorting herself out -- she sounds like depression maybe? Or if she's vitamin deficient? Or something like Seasonal Affective Disorder (those long hard winters of yours means lack of sun) -- whatever it is encourage her to get it looked at.

Later down, after you get over THIS chapter of your lives? If you want try turning it up again to FWB, that is fine.

But just because the experiment of living together did not work out long term, does not mean you both didn't grow. Unexpected successful result as opposed to hoped for result?

You certainly sound like you did grow. I salute you for trying to handle your first big break up well! It goes so much easier FIRM, fast, and clean. Don't let it get messy. Keep it in the friend space volume now. Supportive friend.


ParadigmCrime 08-19-2012 09:33 PM

well yeah shes always had mental issues.... ahem,... I prolly wouldnt be attracted to her if she didnt have issues... What can I say, I love crazy people. Ive had my own issues, and almost everyone I know at one time in their life has been to jail or mental institutions. Some of them both (me included).

So I know about mental issues, I have a dissenting view among alot of people I dont believe in head meds, I never see any good come of it really.

4-5 years ago, she informed me she was going on them... and you know what? Her life and attitude has gotten worse in my opinion. Meanwhile I roam the world freely unmedicated, without shrinks and docs.. and my life is in much more balance. Although I put alot of effort at looking deep inside myself to resolve some of my issues. Its not to say Im without issues.. but Id say Im a little more stable these days.

This poly stuff has always made me feel like a damned hippie when I tell people I am poly. Honestly me and my crew are punk as fuck ex street kids, bikers, and more on the extream edge of counter culture.

Today I feel like a giant burden is off my shoulders (even though not truely, as she is still here)... Ive been having way more fun interacting with new people, and even being more flirty.... which is funny because Ive always had persmission to do these things, but the constant suffocation on my household and shit-fuck attitude was making me less inclined outside to have fun and enjoy life. Id say the turning point, was my birthday weekend, as I said I ended up in a great 3way for my birthday.. and it was all because I said "fuck this, lets go out without her"... I let it go that night and had a blast. anyways thanks for the supportive reply. Ive known I needed to do this since probably Nov/Dec, and some talking here and there... placated the situation enough to be tollerable until about a month or two ago... now there arnt any more chances... it aint workin baby

ParadigmCrime 08-19-2012 09:45 PM

heh, it sucks sitting here reading through all the break up stuff, and most of it is due to people who think they are poly, but really cant handle what that really means.

When the fact is.. me.. who personally have always disliked the word poly.. because it sounds like some hippy dippy bullshit.. yet my relationship which has always been successfull in the aspects of sex, and even loving other people. We have never had jealousy issues, and we have had other lovers, at the same time, (although we have never really shared lovers)... no issues ever came of this.. in fact that part of our relationship has flowed freely and easily without us even ever having to talk about it, or setup weird rules or anything. Its all been good.... my relationship is ending.. because of my partner life attitude, and fact that socially/financially its not working for her here.. in fact its the wrong place.. wrong time sorta deal.. which is why i guess its hard to break up. Because the love has worked for us.. and yeah I try to stick through good and bad.. but when it gets so bad, you can only take so much. Really glad I actualy had a successfull aspect of seeing poly dinamics work without a hiccup.

However.. honestly at this point.. being 'free' and single, and amped up on flirting and meaningless sexual relationships.. I cant say Im looking for another poly partner. In fact Im so happy that I just have a little black book again... Although I do have this new dynamic going on with our housemate... a man none the less... but a damned sexy punk rock boy.. who is only looking for fun, and nothing serious.

hurray (sorry just trying to look at the bright side of life right now.. because It does hurt a bit to think a 9yr partner is gonna not be in my life... at least as a lover)

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:38 PM.