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-   -   New to this, so please bear with me... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2674)

AMoore 04-29-2010 07:59 PM

New to this, so please bear with me...
 
I am a 30 year old female, married for nearly six years. We had a monogomous relationship for the first five years, but last year I met and subsequently have fallen in love with another woman. My husband has been incredibly understanding and even supportive of the possibility of me being poly. However, he doesn't seem to have a desire to venture outside of our immediate relationship (though he has expressed a slight interest in being with me and my girlfriend). To add to all of this, my girlfried has a boyfriend that she has been mostly monogomous with for the last seven years, and he is supportive of our relationship and has expressed a desire to join us, on occasion. My husband is okay with this, he says, as long as I don't have/develop feelings for the other man. He doesn't have a problem with the feeling I have for my girlfriend, so I'm not sure what the issue is.

I should probably explain that before last year, I had never thought about being with another woman. My first female experience (not my girlfriend) opened my eyes to a wealth of possibilities, but I am still VERY shy and tentative about all of this...

polytriad 04-29-2010 08:04 PM

No sure I see a problem...

redpepper 04-30-2010 06:45 PM

Hi AMoore. did you have a question? Or were you just wanting to tell your story? I just wanted to know I read your post, as an acknowledgment, but wasn't sure if there was more or not....

idealist 05-01-2010 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AMoore (Post 27989)
However, he doesn't seem to have a desire to venture outside of our immediate relationship (though he has expressed a slight interest in being with me and my girlfriend).

There is no reason that he would need to venture outside of your immediate relationship. Just because you have a gf and she has a bf does not mean your husband needs to find a gf or bf.

Quote:

To add to all of this, my girlfried has a boyfriend that she has been mostly monogomous with for the last seven years, and he is supportive of our relationship and has expressed a desire to join us, on occasion. My husband is okay with this, he says, as long as I don't have/develop feelings for the other man. He doesn't have a problem with the feeling I have for my girlfriend, so I'm not sure what the issue is.
Sounds like he'e imagining that he will feel threatened if you would come to love another man....maybe it would feel like competition since they are both men, but your love for a woman doesn't feel as much like a competition?? The only way to know is to ask him and listen....talk, talk, talk and listen, listen and listen!!

Good luck and hope to hear more!!

rpcrazy 05-06-2010 08:46 PM

I'm gonna assume a lot here. I'm not standing by these convictions, however it's something for you to angle and to think about.

after getting into a mess with monogamy and fear of poly, i thing about guys and how they think about "alternative relationships"...especially if they are somewhat traditional (judging by your age, i assume your husband is)

Quote:

My husband is okay with this, he says, as long as I don't have/develop feelings for the other man. He doesn't have a problem with the feeling I have for my girlfriend, so I'm not sure what the issue is.

I should probably explain that before last year, I had never thought about being with another woman.
This tells me alot of things, so i'm gonna a few cents

1. Your husband, albeit having seemingly understanding intentions, probably thinks this is a joke and not so dramatically, doesn't understand your love for this women enough to even think this is real. In his world, he isn't threatened because "she's a women" > women are...women > women don't have babies and marry other women > women need men > you are his >lesbians are kinda hot. Which in honestly, probably isn't that bad...but his mind-set CAN provide issues in the future, so watch for it.

2. The sweet woman that you're in love with is probably in the same boat except the guy probably isn't as...static, as your hubby. Also something to watch out for.

Right now things are RELATIVELY calm. The worst of the storm is brewing as you get more and more comfortable and more times go on. You'll find yourself getting into some tricky situations.
My advice: Keep yourself honest, and present honesty to your partners and their partners. If everyone is honest about what they want, then in the long run, you'll be alright. Keep the love, keep the truth, keep the honesty...AND HAVE FUN!!!



peace & love
-gabe


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