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KatTails 04-22-2010 01:53 PM

Boat Analogy for Married Woman in Vee Relationship
 
For those of you who aren't aware of my story - my husband and I have been married for 14 years, together 19. Last year he fell in love with a married co-worker. It's been a rough year with many ups and downs. I accept that they are in love - but I'm strugglng with her becoming a bigger part of our personal lives and the future they are planning. This has caused me to reevaluate everything I thought our marriage was and the plans we made for our future. I came up with this analogy the other day to try to explain to my husband and his GF (MorningGlory629) how their relationship was making me feel and why I am having such a hard time accepting the future they are planning. I hope it helps others to understand as well.

More than 19 years ago my husband and I started building a boat together. It took us about 5 years, but we finally finished the boat and set sail on a journey together. Throughout the years, we have made many additions, changes and improvements to the boat to make it stronger, sturdier and more reliable. All along - we have made these decisions and changes together.

Last year, my husband asked me if he could take MG out on a short boat ride. I was upset, hurt, uncomfortable and jealous, but I trusted that my husband would stay on the course we were headed and would only take a few small trips with MG. However, after a few trips together, they fell in love. I was devastated! I couldn't possibly understand how her and I would fit on the boat together.

Because my husband is my life, I eventually agreed to invite MG to stay on our boat. It wasn't an easy transition, but I tried as best as I could to be accepting and understanding. During the next few months - I tried to keep our boat on it's original course. As hard as I tried to keep the boat going in the same direction, it slowly started changing direction almost without me knowing it. Instead of going East towards the destination that my husband and I mapped out 14 years earlier, we are now going North, the route my husband and MG have chosen to take instead. Instead of steering the boat together with my husband, I have been thrown into the dingy and told to hang on and go where they have chosen.

I'm still allowed to go on the trip with them, I'm just not allowed to ask questions, worry about where we are going or to have an opinion on how to get there. I'm told that I am still needed on the boat, that my husband is still committed to owning the boat with me - but that I am not allowed to steer or map out alternative routes. This is not a destination I would have ever chosen for myself and I'm angry and resentful that they decided this new route together without my input.

My choices are to make myself comfortable in the dingy and accept, without complaining, this new destination, to jump ship and let the current take me where it may, or to drown.


Kat

NeonKaos 04-22-2010 02:08 PM

This sounds like an untenable situation as far as the long-term, sustainable future is concerned.

Ariakas 04-22-2010 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KatTails (Post 27265)
I'm still allowed to go on the trip with them, I'm just not allowed to ask questions, worry about where we are going or to have an opinion on how to get there. I'm told that I am still needed on the boat, that my husband is still committed to owning the boat with me - but that I am not allowed to steer or map out alternative routes. This is not a destination I would have ever chosen for myself and I'm angry and resentful that they decided this new route together without my input.

hmmm...this is unfortunate. You should still be a part of the relationship in the way of choosing, making decisions etc. Have you shown this analogy to them? They may not even know you feel like they are doing this?

[edit]oops I misread, you have told them, hopefully it can help with a course correction :)[/edit]

As an explanation to what I mean, if I meet a gf and decide to include her in my life as a full time compliment, I would ensure decisions made were made with the three of us. I would never forget or force my wife into situations she may not be interested in. Does that mean I will always do what my wife wants? No, but it means, like with all things relationship, it means I will ensure any decision includes all parties involved.

I do like the analogy by the way.

idealist 04-22-2010 02:25 PM

Thank you for sharing!! I really like your analogy.

Unfortunately, all of our plans for the future do not turn out the way we wanted them to. Especially when our future plans depend upon another human being. People change and things change. Also- there are climate issues and storms which are responsible for moving a boat off of it's original course. Many boats are completely destroyed and often times the people are destroyed too. But, sometimes, people are found washed up on shore....still alive and with a glimmer of hope about the future.

I just want to say that there are other options for you. One of the options is for you to begin to build your own personal boat. It is not impossible for a person to own two or more boats. You could have a boat that you built with your husband which has now been hijacked AND you could have your own boat. It may take a while to build your boat to be strong enough to carry you and another person or persons, so if you need to cling onto the boat you built with him for your own survival, then do that. But begin to visualize your own personal boat and what it would be like. You would be free to design it any way you want and to steer it in any direction you want. And start gradually building it.

MonoVCPHG 04-22-2010 03:16 PM

This analogy makes me sad.

I read it again..still sad. It sounds like this is not a poly relationship among three people but a relationship between two. To keep with your analogy it sounds as though you've gone from co-captain to cabin boy. If that's the case I suggest you cut the line and hoist your own sail.

Your husband is "in your life" but he is "not your life". It's ok to be afraid to stand on your own if that is where your journey takes you, but don't let fear make you surrender what you want and need.

Take care

NeonKaos 04-22-2010 04:12 PM

I think you should tell this analogy to your husband. You owe it to him as far as what your marriage means to YOU to let him know. He may be genuinely clueless and need help pulling his head out of his ass. He may even thank you for it.

Derbylicious 04-22-2010 04:21 PM

Everyone deserves a say in where their lives are heading. It sucks to have no control over aspects of your life. There are things that are always going to be beyond your control but it shouldn't be everything in a partnership. You shouldn't have to feel like you're just along for the ride in something that you've been building for the past 19 years.

Although it wasn't a relationship that made me feel this way in our marriage my husband's new career really made me feel like I was just along for the ride in our lives together. It took a few years for me to find what I did have control over. I hope that you will find the same thing.

-Derby

Ariakas 04-22-2010 04:40 PM

Sometimes perspective can badly skew communication. I know from previous posts that some things just didn't get worked out because of perspective. Personally, I would be curious to hear morningglories perspective on how she sees the boat :)

Still loving the analogy...

Morningglory629 04-22-2010 04:49 PM

If it is ok with KT, I will reply. But she knows I care about her feelings and I think her analogy was a beautiful way to express her feelings.

ak2381 04-22-2010 07:21 PM

KT,
I teared up at your story. But you also know how much I sympathize for you. I often feel the same. And it is the times that we fall off of what our agreements are that make us remember to keep each other in the loop so there can be less pain than there already is.


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