My wife and I have some emotional difficulties. We have been married for six years, and have a three year old. We are emotionally distant. She can be a little of a bully, and she says I'm becoming more and more of a jerk. We've talked about our problems before, but haven't been able to resolve anything. We both suffer from depression or something like it (I have actually been diagnosed as not being depressed, but having Aspergers and being bad with stress coping). We are both bi, and one problem we don't have is trust. We have talked before of having a threesome. At church last month, there was a service all about polyamory, with members who were poly talking about what poly is and is not. They shared their experiences, both good and bad. It really made a lot of sense to me; and I really thought it might be for me. She also seemed interested. As she said, "I can't do everything for you."
We kinda dropped it after that. We're barely in a position to date each other at the moment, much less other people. I brought it up again yesterday, and she seemed slightly startled and upset, and said "I thought we had talked about that..." I don't know what she meant about that, and I was too scared to press. I dropped the issue.
About a year ago, I really started thinking about other people, fantasizing about having meaningful, emotional, sexual relationships with them. I realized I was fantasizing about cheating. So I told her that I was thinking about this, and that it stemmed from feelings of emotional neglect. She was hurt, upset, and guilty, and did not seem to appreciate my honesty. I am at that point again. Things are exacerbated by bad living conditions, but she's miserable, I'm miserable, and I'm fantasizing again. I know enough to understand that this is not poly. It's escape fantasy, and poly is not about escape. Even if we decided at some point to be open, and I was completely honest with her, in a way I'd still be cheating.
I need to fix this. I refuse to cheat. I would not betray my fa
Ily that way. I'm also not willing to go poly until we've resolved our emotional problems at home, because that would be unfair to anyone webrought into the relationship.
So what can I do? Last time I told her how I was feeling, she didn't take it well, and it's not like we don't know what our own problems are. Marital counseling would be in order, but I don't think we can afford that. I don't want to be unfair to her, but I feel like I'm being unfair to both of us.
Thank you for any advice.
wow, some church you go too! That's awesome you had that as part of your service.
I wanted you to know first off that you story rang very true to my experience in many ways...
I have a seven year old (next month) and remember when he was three going through the same stuff. The best thing that my husband did for me was to let me go and do my own thing. We were poly before we had a child, but put it aside. We decided to open our relationship up again after a time of my finding my feet again and becoming independent from my child. I went out dancing by myself, started walking, then running, started swimming again. Went out with friends and didn't bring my child with me.... the world opened up again and I realized how much I had missed in baby land.
I would suggest that you tell her that you really would like think about opening your marriage up at some point but not until she has some time to figure out what she wants... I would tell her that things need to change and that you propose taking a communication course, doing some counselling something to better your marriage and get her off the bullying streak. It's not okay that you are bullied (or called names!) and I know full well that it likely comes from her needs not being met. Then I would tell her that you are going to make a list of what your needs are and that she should do the same.
Go on a nice date with her where you can talk in depth about why you fell in love, what you used to do together that made you both happy, what you would like to do now with her and her with you... and what you need to do independently. Then make plans to do these things and STICK TO THEM! It could mean a lot of child care for you, so plan for doing fun things with your child... it all comes around, so don't whine about it. Do it with a smile and see it as a time to really bond with your child.
Once she gets her life back, and you start seeing that she is happier then you should move towards talking about opening your relationship up. It might just be that your sex life is way better by then (I have no idea what it is like now, but there is nothing like a happy wife to have a happy life, in the bedroom and out). You never know, she might be all into exploring more love and sex with others.
I would DEFINITELY NOT even for a second let the thought of a threesome into your head. You have far too much to work on in your marriage before bringing in some unsuspecting soul that just wants to get off... they don't need the drama that is likely to ensue and neither do you. If you are thinking that it would be nice to share someone for the long haul then I would say the same thing. That would be entirely unfair to someone coming in to put your unbalanced marriage issues on them. You would be a part of their lives as much as they are a part of yours. Why would they want to sit around waiting for you to get your act together.... better to have it together before hand. Besides, its far more attractive to a prospective partner to be confident, together, connected to your wife and committed to her best interest as well as theirs.
yup. looks to me like you have some work to do. There is no rush. Take your time, get it all together. Even if at the end you find that you aren't all that interested in poly, you owe it to your marriage, your child and to each other.
Damn, sounds like you have hit one of those bumpy periods in life.
When things kind of suck - it's natural for the fantasies to abound ! :)
We all need and want something positive and exciting in our life when things are tough.
But I'd suggest not putting much thought into 3rd (or more) parties right at this point. You and your S O have got to pull together for each other and your family. That's kind of priority one.
Living a poly lovestyle can be a lot of work - especially when it's new. Taking on that extra wouldn't be fair to either of you - taking away your focus from things more important. And it wouldn't be fair to any other parties either because you have too much on your mind to focus on the relationship.
Go out - buy yourself some little treat to get a little positive going and set the new relationships aside for now. At least that's what I would do !
Having been diagnosed with Aspberger's, you have to know that you are not able to communicate in the same way that most people are. You are going to be bad at reading body language, facial expressions, and tone. So I would like to kindly suggest that perhaps your wife is unaware that you feel bullied. It might be helpful if, when you feel that bullying moment happening, you said something like, "I don't know if you mean it this way, but I feel afraid that you're upset when you use that tone. I don't mean to upset you, I'm trying to be honest. Is there a way that share this information that would be better for you?"
Depending on the degree of your Aspberger's, you might seriously need some third-party help. I know one person with Aspberger's who had to actually watch videotapes of facial expressions to learn how to read them. It is completely free to find out how much marital counselling would cost, and you might be surprised to find it within your budget. Also, you said you go to church--churches usually have some really lovely programs to help troubled marriages. Talk to your minister/priest/holy person, who might also provide counselling. They don't necessarily need to have a psychology degree to provide mediation and insight.
Other than that, I really liked what everyone else said. :)
Does your pastor do counseling? I know some do and they do it for either a low cost or free. Maybe you should look into that. It would give you marital and spiritual guidance as you look into the poly lifestyle.
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