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-   -   Polyamorous heartbreak (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26634)

Kesrie 08-16-2012 12:55 PM

Polyamorous heartbreak
Hi. So this is my first post on these forums. Before I get into the main topic of this post though, I'd like to give you a little background.

Over the last few months I've really started growing as a person. I've discovered really strong feelings towards issues faced by women, LGBQ people, trans* people, or anyone from any oppressed group. Oh, and I'm a gay, white cismale. I also discovered in recent times that I identify as poly.

Now, to give you a bit of background on my relationship. I'm currently engaged to the love of my life who I intend to eventually settle down with and have kids, in a more traditional way. This is partly due to the fact that, while my partner has an interest in a temporary polyamorous lifestyle, I don't think he would identify himself as poly; his interest is more for my sake.

About two months ago, Leslie (my partner) and I started to have a thing with a mutual friend of ours, Gregor. Without getting too graphic, we each spent a night at Gregor's independently of each other (but with full consent from the other, of course). This was the week before Leslie and I got engaged. When we came back from Ireland a week later, Leslie went straight to the other side of Scotland to see his family and go to a festival, so I was alone in Glasgow for a week. After getting Leslie's "permission", as it were, I ended up spending 3 or 4 nights at Gregor's. Though initially it was kind of just about the sex, Gregor and I really got to know each other over the course of the week, and we really bonded.

When Leslie got back, I was hoping that the two of them would end up bonding in the same way Gregor and I did, but this unfortunately wasn't the case. So it was only around this time that I started realising I was poly, and I introduced the idea to Leslie, and then to Gregor. Both of them were interested in giving it a go, and over the last month and a half, the three of us have been spending a lot of time together, and I also spent a lot of alone time with Gregor. Leslie spent time alone with Gregor too, but not as much as me.

So Gregor and I continued to get closer and closer, but he didn't really feel the same way about Leslie.

Anyway, last night he told me that on Saturday he realised he was falling in love with me. I've been having similar thoughts towards him this past week. But he told me how he just couldn't do it any more; he couldn't be in love with someone that wasn't "his". And the worst part is, I totally understand. I'm not used to being faced with a problem that there's no solution to. He wants to eventually settle down with one person, and a big part of him now wants it to be me, but it can't because I love Leslie more than anything. I wish I could split into two people, one of them spending the rest of my life with Leslie, and the other spending the rest of my life with Gregor.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, because I really do love him, and even thinking about him right now sets me off crying again.

I didn't come here with a question, or looking for advice, I know there's nothing I can do. I just needed to get this off my chest in one big block (sorry for the wall of text).

If you actually read this far, wow, thank you.

CielDuMatin 08-16-2012 01:16 PM

Wow, that's tough. So sorry that you are in this position. It really sounds, though, like you did everything right, and through it have learned a bunch about yourself.

Don't know if this makes you feel any better, but if Gregor is monogamous (which it sounds like) and you are definitely poly (which it sounds like), then if you were to just be with him, you wouldn't be happy, because the poly thing would be tugging at you.

It's a crying shame, I know, but just based on the poly/mono thing, if Gregor isn't willing to accept you for who you are, then it's just not going to work out, anyway. You have a basic "bottom-line" or "non-negotiable" that just means that you are not compatible.

So sad.

Kesrie 08-16-2012 01:24 PM

Thanks Ciel, that was a really nice reply to get. :)

I've been browsing the forums since I posted this, and I'm really glad I found this place; I'm already learning more about how polyamory works for other people.

I guess one of the problems we faced was such a shallow understanding of polyamory. I don't actually think the three of us ever had a serious conversation about our relationship together. I did all the serious talking with Leslie, and with Gregor, and just kept the information flowing. That's probably something I did wrong, I should have initiated a rulebook forming conversation or something.

Oh well. Thanks again for your reply!

BlackUnicorn 08-16-2012 02:30 PM


I don't know how to quote with a smartphone, but I personally hate being the mailbox between two loved ones. It leads to nothing but misunderstandings.

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