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-   -   Dominant poly people in tribes (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26584)

redpepper 08-15-2012 01:57 AM

Dominant poly people in tribes
Mono and I have been talking about this and thought we would bring it to the forum to see what you fine folks say about your experiences.

We have noticed that there is a presence and exsistence of a dominant person in tribes/polycules/poly families (not related to with BDSM dominance). They seem to have the greatest influence and set the tone, boundaries and code of ethics of the group. They have the greatest influence on the expansion of the group; including acceptance of the addition of new people.

What are your thoughts on this?

LovingRadiance 08-15-2012 02:10 AM

I agree and I would have to say that in our tribe-the biggest issue is that its naturally me-and whilst they all prefer it; if it APPEARS that way to anyone on the outside, then Maca (who is naturally Dominant) will buck whatever the topic is-in order to "top" which results in a fuck load of stupid and unnecessary drama.

GalaGirl 08-15-2012 02:40 AM

DISCLAIMER: I'm the Relationship Captain in mine. But mine don't go tribal in size -- V's are my speed.


I think that happens in ANY close group -- in our circle of friends I've been the Den Mother. I'm friends with another person who has been the Den Mother too in her spheres of influence. In our joint group it's usually me and her hashing things out and getting the others to MOVE.

I think some people just have those natural skills that have in time grown sharper and better -- so they fall into a a place of "Let's get it organized!" and others cluster around the hub.

If there's 2 silverbacks in the tree that can't share power well, it makes for drama, as Loving Radiance notes. But my friend and I do share power and it's awesome fun -- sometimes she's leading the mission and I love having a break and being just one of the regular bees. Other times I'm the Queen of the Hive and she gets a break. Other times we operate like the Dynamic Duo.

But for new people to be able to join the group -- the style and personality of the de facto "leader" matters. Do they lead from the front and lead the charge? Or do they lead from the back and herd the cats? Some kind of combo thing?


LovingRadiance 08-15-2012 05:05 AM

** I miss Mono. :(

Setxfamily 08-15-2012 02:25 PM

It is the nature of the animal kingdom to always have one alpha in the dynamics of most group setting. It is not always noticeable who it is but the group knows the leader is. Many try to deny it or change reality but it is just the way nature works. Weather it is a good or bad thing is up to the individuals involved.

nycindie 08-15-2012 02:59 PM

I doubt many people here have enough exposure to poly tribes to comment. It seems you have a fairly large and close-knit (in terms of most people knowing each other) poly community where you are, RP, and I would think that is really out of most folks' experience unless they actively seek out the groups in their area.

That being said, I am sure there is usually at least one person in a poly tangle who takes on a leadership role, comes up with ideas about spending time, reminds others when to sit down and discuss issues, etc., but hopefully they allow for all involved to have a vote or say in what is happening, especially the more important stuff. A good leader knows when to be up front ahead of the pack and when to sit back and give others their turn.

I don't really "get" how it works for anyone in a poly tangle to have a potential love decided upon "by committee," however. That idea creeps me out.

Tonberry 08-16-2012 04:57 AM

Well, right now it's only the two of us, and every time one of us has been interested in someone we had equal voices in our talks. I don't think any one of us is dominant. When one of us get another partner, I can see that as the hinge of the relationship they could have a stronger position, but I'm not sure if it will be reflected in the amount of influence they have on the tribe decisions.

RfromRMC 08-16-2012 12:54 PM

I don't know about tribes but it's certainly the case in any poly relationship.
Biggest reason my former triad fell apart was because M had this natural urge to be a ringmaster so to speak, being the oldest and the one who owned the house and the one that brought us all together. He let it go to his head and after three years just became downright bossy. C had a rebellious "nobody tells me what to do" attitude and eventually the whole thing erupted like a split atom. (And me, trying to be the passive peacemaker, left with PTSD.)
Since then I've warned anyone I know getting into a poly situation to make sure there's a cap on the number of alpha males. More than one, and you got a recipe for explosions.

Now, I've been dating for 9 months a guy who is mostly as laid-back as me. Much better and tons less stressful! (Though there are some issues cuz he's still not used to poly, but that's another thread for another day.)

redpepper 08-17-2012 09:24 PM

Some people decide for themselves that they are leaders and promote themselves nycindie. Ya, not sure how that works, but it happens.

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