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-   -   Gossip vs. Information and working on stuff (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26582)

redpepper 08-15-2012 01:43 AM

Gossip vs. Information and working on stuff
 
What do you think one's responsibility is to relay ones dating experiences with people to others that are now dating them? I guess it doesn't even have to be dating experiences. It could be metamour experiences etc. too. Is it useful information to you, as someone's new partner, to hear other peoples experiences with your new love? How much communication and information is too much or too little? In what cases is it okay to pass information along, in what case is it not our right to pass information along and in what case is it our responsibility?

LovingRadiance 08-15-2012 01:53 AM

giggle.
I should copy/paste.

But-I won't.

I'll go for something new.

If it's a dangerous issue-std, life threatening behavior-definitely share.
If not-depends on the circumstances.

GalaGirl 08-15-2012 03:29 AM

Quote:

If it's a dangerous issue-std, life threatening behavior-definitely share.
If not-depends on the circumstances.
This.

I usually let them figure it out on their own most of the time but if my red flag starts waving at me? I have to respond to it. At least try to do the right thing even if the easier thing is to turn a blind eye.

I had a weird position once...

BF, in the sharing of his past loves, revealed one of his ex's when he'd started to date her? Came to find HER previous rship included hitting and violence. (ugh!) So she was an abuse survivor.

BF and I were LDR, and then this young woman came into my circle of friends and I noticed a certain person sniffing around her skirt who I considered unethical and skanky in his "love 'em and leave 'em" ways. He'd brag on his conquests. Yuck. :mad:

I did not even like the girl -- her personality and mine are like oil and water. But I cannot STAND to see a person wander into a potentially harmful relationship to be USED. Mr Skank tried once to put the moves on ME and got really fresh and touchy. Guh!

She did not know I knew some of her back story. But I could not UNKNOW it and I could not forget my own boundaries being trespassed by him.

So I pulled her aside one day and I said straight up to her...

"Look. We are not tight friends. But as woman to woman? That guy? Be careful if you choose to go there. He loves 'em and leaves 'em and brags about his conquests. He crosses boundaries. To me that is not ethical. But I could be a nutjob for all you know. So talk to your ex -- my BF -- someone you DO know well that isn't a nutjob. For the verify on him. Other common people that know him. You are a grown up and you make your choices. But put your radar on and ask him for his full story up front and see if it matches his street cred or not. Nuff said."

Even if I did not like her personally, she did not need another UGH thing in her life.

GG

KyleKat 08-15-2012 03:34 AM

I want to know it all. My wife wants to know the important stuff and no details unless she asks for them.

Tonberry 08-16-2012 04:58 AM

Don't share unsolicited advice unless it's a serious issue... and even then, I'd contact the ex or ex-metamour first so they get a chance to mention it before I do.

newtoday 08-16-2012 05:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 148443)
Don't share unsolicited advice unless it's a serious issue... and even then, I'd contact the ex or ex-metamour first so they get a chance to mention it before I do.

I agree. I think every relationship will have it's own dynamics based on the characters involved. Not every relationship will encounter the same challenges that you might feel compelled to share.

Serious issue -yes, but TB is right, give them the chance to do it first.

Otherwise your just gossiping and invading someone's right to privacy.

KyleKat 08-16-2012 12:24 PM

I recently screwed up and shared something from my wife with the girl I was seeing. The result was that now everyone involved has backed way off, and while that was probably a good thing, I feel like I should have handled it better.

Definitely let the person with the problem address it, instead of jumping the gun, as Tonberry said.

lovefromgirl 08-16-2012 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 148244)
What do you think one's responsibility is to relay ones dating experiences with people to others that are now dating them? I guess it doesn't even have to be dating experiences. It could be metamour experiences etc. too. Is it useful information to you, as someone's new partner, to hear other peoples experiences with your new love? How much communication and information is too much or too little? In what cases is it okay to pass information along, in what case is it not our right to pass information along and in what case is it our responsibility?

The question, for me, is this:

Would I need to hear it from my partner, from hir own lips, in order to trust hir?

I make sure any partner of mine knows about the skeletons in my closet. I believe it's an act of building trust to share past transgressions. "This is who I was," it says. "I am telling you because I want to be different now."

If my partner's unacceptable behaviors ended hir last relationship, and zie has not disclosed this as part of our discussions, hearing it from a reputable source would damn well be a deal-breaker. I get to think about how I want to handle that knowledge. I get to ask around for confirmation. I would want my partner to do no less if misbehavior on my part came to light.

Metamours are a little different. Sure, if zie's done serious wrong, tell me, but if the problem was not the metamour -- well, let's say I'm a little easier about figuring the metamour out over time. I can choose to negotiate with the metamour how much contact we make. I suppose I could also choose to limit a problematic partner to tertiary status, too, but that's not at all what I'm looking for.

Clear as mud, wot?

CielDuMatin 08-16-2012 07:16 PM

If there are some major red flag issues, like non-consensual activities or abuse of other sorts, then yes I would speak up, because by not knowing they may be putting themselves in danger.

For nearly everything else, it's really not my business - they need to find out for themselves and arrive at their own answers.


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