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-   -   Hello from Western Canada (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2653)

Tonberry 04-28-2010 04:44 AM

Hello from Western Canada
Hello everyone :)
My name is Alice, I am female, heterosexual and aged 25.
I am married to a 32 year-old man who is currently my only relationship.

As far as I can remember, I have always been polyamorous. I thought it would change when I met "the right one", but I only ended up meeting "the right ones".

I am feeling a greater need for support and hoping the community here will provide it. First I should explain my situation:

I first talked to my husband about "seeing other people" about... one year and a half to two years ago. At the time it felt like the biggest problem he had with it was the idea that he wasn't adequate, wasn't good enough, and that I would leave him. We talked about a few rules and he seemed to feel better about it. He said he thought it would be hard at first, though.
About six months ago we talked about it again. However it seemed to focus on swinging - something I am not really interested in.

He himself barely ever showed an interest in being with other people, although he recently said he was warming up to the idea.

I think a new good, long talk is in order for several reasons.

a) I want to make sure he really is fine with it. It seems that one-way polyamory exists but the idea that he might be forcing himself and accepting only for fear of losing me scares me. Also, I feel it is "not fair", in a way. I want to be 100% sure he understand all the implications and that he is genuinely fine with it.
Also, I want to make sure we can work on his self-confidence issues. I don't want him to ever feel like he's "not good enough" for me. I feel it needs to be sorted out before anything serious happens.

b) I want to re-establish rules. While some rules we had were only normal (protecting ourselves, being honest with any person about the fact that we are married and that our spouse is aware of the relationship), some made me uncomfortable (some "rules" were a bit too close to "don't ask, don't tell". While it might feel like freedom, it also feels like cheating.)

A complication that has occurred is that I am developing feelings for another man who I have met online. I feel the need to be completely honest about it, while on the other hand I fear it might make his self confidence issues worse and they should be focused on first. Also, I haven't told that other man about my feelings and I have no idea how he feels about me. At this stage, we are merely friends, and if anything happens I would want to take it very slowly.
That other man knows that I am married, but doesn't know I am polyamorous. We thought it wiser not to advertise it too much, both because of social pressure and because the first friend we told about it seemed to think it meant we "could have sex with anyone", and was pretty insistent in "getting some", which was bothersome.

One of the things I want to talk about with my husband is how early to mention a potential partner. Should we mention someone as soon as we're attracted to them? After we've told them we're attracted to them and they reciprocated? Somewhere in the middle?
It might seem a bit "silly" to tell my husband about it if it always remains at the stage of friendship. On the other hand, I don't want to lie to him.

Well, this is becoming a very long post so I'll leave it here from now. I am very happy to have met this community and I hope to get much insight and advice from everyone here :)

ksandra 04-29-2010 07:23 AM

Welcome to the forum!

I had/have a similar situation with my partner, though we're not married but the issues with bringing up partners and rules have been ones that we have constantly been revising and discussing so I may have some insight for you.

As far as bringing up potential partners T (my primary) and I have always been very upfront with each other. We live in a very close community so usually we know the person the other one is interested in and we talk about them together and sometimes give each other advice on how to best pursue them. This lets T feel like he has a say in my selection, which goes a long way to making him comfortable because he knows that with the other person all he has to do is say "no" and I will respect his wishes. Hard to do, but for the sake of our relationship it's a good one for now. Another way to help ease him into it is if you guys check people out on the street together. I know you said you were heterosexual but even if you can admit another woman is attractive it turns it into a fun activity. "What do you think of her honey?" "What do you find attractive? I like her hair/dress/legs" Eventually he may feel freer to start doing this with men with you and it will help him dip his toe in to the idea that there are other people in the sexual world.

The thing with rules is that they often relax as comfort levels increase. Allow him to have his rules but every so often check in and try to keep communication open about them. It might also help (if you haven't already) to find out why he is adamant about certain rules and maybe he will realize that they may not be the best rules, or you will realize why they are necessary. But if you feel like they're getting too close to don't ask, don't tell then they should definitely be renegotiated.

Anyway I hope that helps, if you want to PM or something and talk more I'm totally willing


Ariakas 04-29-2010 04:49 PM

Welcome to the forum, lots of Western Canada people on the forum :)

Good luck and enjoy the journey :)

booklady78 04-30-2010 04:37 AM

Welcome to the forums! I'm also from Western Canada :)
I hope you find some insight here into your poly journey, I've found this site to be invaluable in my own.

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