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-   -   My ex again (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2649)

faraday 04-27-2010 06:02 PM

My ex again
 
So in my last post I talked about my ex boyfriend and his wife who didn’t like me. I don’t want to go back over all the details but a couple of weeks back my ex called me and told me his wife was telling him that they needed to have an open relationship because she wasn’t interested in fulfilling all of his physical needs (not just sex but physical attention as well) he was calling me to ask what he should do.

I told him not to go out and sleep with other people. I told him he needed to keep talking to his wife. I told him it sounded like she was trying to push him away or trick him into doing something that would cause them to break up. He said she had been was trying to divorce him during the week they had spent together. I told him I didn’t think there was any way for them to open up their marriage while they were in this mental state that would be healthy for either of them or their relationship. He agreed said he just wanted to talk about it with someone.

Then like four days later he called my boyfriend and told him that he and his wife where separating. My boyfriend told me. I texted my ex asked if wanted to talk. He said no that this was something he was doing alone. I told him when he was done being alone both my boyfriend and I would be here.

That was two weeks ago. I got a text a couple of days ago saying that things were awful but better with him. I started sending him pictures every day of things I thought where cute. Just to say “hey, I’m here” then last night we texted for awhile and he asked me to send picture of my breasts. I think he was joking, but I’m not really sure. He jokes around all the time in this half serious half not kind of way and without his voice I can’t really tell. I just joked with him and didn’t send him pictures. The thing is I would. I don’t have any issues around that. It’s funny and kind of cute. But it feels nebulous right now. Like I don’t want to be sexy towards him because … I don’t know… I still very much would like to have sex with him and to have a relationship with him (of some kind) but I feel like he is in pain and is misplacing his emotions and that being sexy isn’t what he needs.

I don’t know. I want to be there for him if I can. But I want to be someone real in his life. He lives on the other side of the country so it’s not like sex is an option (although my boyfriend and girlfriend are all for it because they really like him and know that he is a really great guy)

I guess this is just a complicated question. I feel like when I was together with my ex and for the four years after that I basically didn’t really support him the way I have learned to know. My idea of support was sex and I don’t think that worked for him or me. I guess I’m asking how do I let this play out. How do I support him(when what he was missing from his marriage was sex and physical attention), love him and be the person I am (which is very sexual and very attracted to him).

Ugh. Any advice?

otter 04-27-2010 06:25 PM

Sorry no advice but it sounds like we are similar canoes with out paddles. I wish you the best.

vandalin 04-28-2010 01:13 AM

Do what you are doing. Be there for him. Talk with him. Let him talk to you. A little playful banter shouldn't be a problem, but I would not take it any further anytime soon, and especially not until a divorce is final. Give him ((hugs)), lots of them and promise that the next time you see him you will give him a real hug...but that's it. He needs to get through this before getting involved with anyone else, especially someone who is already attached to him.

Good luck!

EugenePoet 04-28-2010 01:38 AM

For guys (probably women too) a separation and divorce feel like massive rejection. In that state it's really easy to go for a sympathetic person just because the bruised subconscious really needs to feel that someone still feels you're attractive. The classic rebound, right?

IMHO, you've gotten good advice from the others. He may feel like it's a resurgence of love but it may not be lasting. Be a good friend.


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