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-   -   NRE: Me -> Fiancee. NRE: Fiancee -> GF (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26481)

Petunia 08-12-2012 01:14 PM

NRE: Me -> Fiancee. NRE: Fiancee -> GF
I'm going through the hardest thing of my life right now. We've been together for eons (13.5 yrs). We started to revamp our relationship 20 months ago, became engaged June 2011, and recently opened up our relationship (at my suggestion) in May.

As our wedding date got closer (10.12.12) I struggled big time with the idea of getting married. I started therapy at the end of June. In the middle of July a situation that my fiancee's gf, Shasti*, presented brought my fiancee and I closer than ever because of our discussions about the situation she presented. With that, the last of my reserve towards our relationship crumbled and I fell totally, madly in love with him to a level I have never before experienced with anyone. How odd to be with someone so long to find that you are nuts about them. How heartbreaking for it not to be reciprocated in kind. (He loves me totally, it's just not a new feeling for him.)

He's trying to be what I need him to be, but his focus isn't really here with me. It's on her, even when he's with me, he's not really fully present. He tries to be, but his attention is lacking the focus it used to have.

Now it seems like he's going through the motions to placate me, but that's all they are - motions, and I'm feeling so needy. I want him to light up when he sees me. I want him to be thinking of me (in a good way) when we're apart.

I need to get a handle on this. I'm ruining the time we get to spend together and I'm ruining his time when he gets to see her. He's pushing me to find someone to spend time with other than himself. My heart isn't in it, but I'm trying. He has done a 180 on his attitude towards the men who contact me, which comes across as "anyone will do, please just find someone," whereas before he didn't think anyone was good enough for me.

We're into the last 60 days before our wedding. Prior to mid-July I couldn't get excited about our wedding, but now that I'm excited to be marrying him, it's heartbreaking that my groom isn't excited, and wants to be spending time with Shasti, and is feeling guilty. I am feeling so robbed.

Last night he offered to break things off with her. I've rarely seen him cry in all the years we've been together, but that broke him and in turn broke me. I can't let him do that. I think it'll hurt all three of us if he does. I don't want a heartbroken groom. I want a happy, fulfilled groom. As much as I want to close things back up, I don't want to feel like I've failed at polyamory.

I've never before in my life been a jealous person, but now I'm being consumed by jealousy. Jealousy is such a multifaceted fuck. I get one area under control and another area pops up. I squash that and then another raises its ugly head. I feel like I'm going in circles; a continuous loop that brings me back full circle to things I thought I had already dealt with. I'm so fucking tired of my thought patterns and feeling hurt all the time. This is not who I am. I am normally an optimist who farts sunshine. Now I feel like a belching, gastric pile of vomit.

I want my compersion back. I get glimpses of it, sometimes I'm fairly solid with it, and then it evaporates again. I used to overrun with it and I miss it. It felt secure and good. This feels empty, raw, and awful.

Have you ever lost your compersion? How did you get it back? Have you ever experienced NRE that wasn't reciprocated?

*pseudo name taken from Hindu goddess, Shashthi.

snowmelt 08-12-2012 02:01 PM


Originally Posted by Petunia (Post 147804)
In the middle of July a situation that my fiancee's gf, Shasti*, presented brought my fiancee and I closer than ever because of our discussions about the situation she presented

What is the situation she presented?

dingedheart 08-12-2012 02:14 PM

Not sure I actually had compersion but I did want her to be happy. And that was lost by her actions, going through the motions type thing you've outlined.

What happened for me is I started caring less....and less. I really could stand the concept of " our date nights " being an obligation to me or the marriage. If your heart and soul aren't in it then why bother. I don't want anyone to be with because they think they have to be. And a scheduled date night came in response to dates with bf....not prior.

Getting him excited about marrying you while he's in nre with her seems like a tall order. You might have to just mourn that loss. I think you might be wise not to make it legal until you see how this all plays out. Dates are one thing but distracted during the wedding or reception a whole new level of problem.

Does his best man know of your situation? Might impact bachelor party.

Petunia 08-12-2012 02:29 PM


Originally Posted by snowmelt (Post 147814)
What is the situation she presented?

She asked him if he'd still date her if she was pregnant (in vitro) or had a baby (adoption.)

You can get a better idea of the situation here. I started to blog about where I'm at, but it's hard to find the time to keep everything up to date as things are processing so quickly.

I doubt anyone who has never gone through the process of becoming a parent and then raising a child can understand why this has become such a threatening issue to me. Every major decision I have made since I became a mother has been influenced by the fact that I have children to consider, protect, provide for, etc. That's how encompassing parenthood is.

Petunia 08-12-2012 02:31 PM

You might have to just mourn that loss.

I do feel like I am in mourning.

snowmelt 08-12-2012 02:44 PM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 147816)
Getting him excited about marrying you while he's in nre with her seems like a tall order. You might have to just mourn that loss.

I like this advice.

It sounds to me like you are in a constant state of reaction to everything that's happening. You also have some push pull going on. I would suggest you back away from it all long enough to check in with yourself to see if you still want any of this.

NovemberRain 08-12-2012 05:02 PM

You don't just have an unhappy groom. You my dear, are (right now) a very unhappy bride. Plane tickets are shitty reason to go through with something you have doubts about. There's cold feet, and there's serious issues. A baby is a hugely serious issue. My sister was all starting on in vitro, and hooked up with an old love, and guess what? They got pregnant. They are together, but as far as i know, they have yet to marry.

You said in your blog that you have a therapist, is she no help? She should be helping you in interrupting the thought patterns you're sick of; she should be offering new questions to help you think clearly.

So sorry you're hurting.

nycindie 08-12-2012 05:18 PM

More often than not, I have found that deep disappointment comes from holding very high expectations - of ourselves, of life, of those around us. Most of the time, those expectations are unrealistic.

For example, Petunia, you have a picture in your mind of what it should look like if your fiance is as excited about marrying you as you are about marrying him. He should "light up" when you walk in the room. Then, when you walk into the room and he doesn't light up the way you expect him to, you feel deflated. Your reaction is to interpret that as him not feeling as excited about getting married as you are, an assumption which is most probably completely and totally incorrect. Just because he doesn't fit your picture of how "excited" should look on him, doesn't mean he isn't feeling excited. He is his own person with his own way of processing and expressing his feelings. But you blame his "non-excitement" on his NRE and gf rather than looking at your expectations. Disappointment prevails and you start feeling jealousy, which is always a cover for other emotions we don't want to own up to.

You say, "He's trying to be what I need him to be, but his focus isn't really here with me." And you're disappointed. But until recently, it was okay for you to waffle about getting married and not be as on board as he was, right? Now that you turned it around, you "need him to be" in exactly the same place you are. I would hazard a guess that there's a part of you that really likes being in control, or in charge, probably because it gives you a sense of security (albeit a false one). It's kind of like being a little addicted to power. As long as the relationship was going along with the parameters you set, that was okay. You effectively controlled your fiance's behavior with your fears and insecurities, and now you feel more secure about marrying him and have flipped over to being okay with this or that thing that you weren't before, you want him to flip his attitude too. "Hey, I'm on board now, you get on board, too!" So now you're upset that he seems to be in a different place than you -- which does not meet your heavy expectations -- and you find yourself in turmoil, wrapped up in jealousy, and feeling powerless. You want things the way you want them, but he has a different process than you and is probably (understandably) being cautious and hesitant to get excited about anything because he got used to navigating around your insecurities.

You cannot work on him, or his gf. You can only work on yourself. If I were you, I would examine and deconstruct all your expectations.

You may find the following useful. It is from The Handbook to Higher Consciousness, a classic on personal growth by Ken Keyes:
". . . no one has yet found happiness by using our emotion-backed desires as guides. Flashes of pleasure, yes. Happiness, no.

. . . Our wants and desires are so seductive. They masquerade as "needs" that must be satisfied so we can be happy at last. They lead from one illusion of happiness to another.

. . . We tell ourselves, "If only I could find the right person to love, then I would be happy." So we search for someone who our addictions tell us is the right person -- and we experience some pleasurable moments. But since we don't know how to love, the relationship gradually deteriorates. Then we decide we didn't have the right person after all! As we grow into higher consciousness, we discover that it is more important to be the right person than to find the right person.

We must deeply understand why all of our negative emotions are misleading guides to effective action in life situations. Our negative emotions are simply the result of an extensive pattern of scars and wounds we have experienced. . . . It saps your energy to be worried or anxious about a problem. Do what you can do but don't be addicted to the results or you will create more worry for yourself.

. . . as we reach physical maturity and our biocomputer (brain) is able to function more perceptively, we have all the power we need. But our biocomputer (backed up by the full repertory of our emotions) is still programmed to compensate for the power deficiency we experienced when we were infants and young children. We now need to learn to flow with the people and things around us. But our power addiction keeps us from loving people because we perceive them as objects that may threaten our power, prestige, or pecking order. If we want to love and be loved, we can't be addicted to power -- or to anything else.

As conscious beings, the only thing we need to find happiness in life is to perceive clearly who we are (not the social roles we are acting out), and exactly what are the real conditions, here and now, of our lives. How basically simple is our problem! But to achieve this clear perception of ourselves and the world around us takes constant inner work. And this means developing the habit of emotionally accepting whatever is here and now in our lives. For only an emotionally calm biocomputer can see clearly and wisely, and come up with effective ways to interact with people and situations."

NovemberRain 08-12-2012 06:08 PM

That was beautiful, Indie, thanks.

GalaGirl 08-12-2012 11:15 PM

Here's what you wrote in your blog thread with my replies cut in, ok?


I think I'm finding the whole baby/Shasti thing threatening because I don't think they have a clue how emotional this is going to be. That they'll be in this little cocoon of love and wonder that won't have a place for me.

They not having a clue about how emotional having a baby/parenting is? That's they journey to discover. As all new parents do.

If you are worried about having a place in that family unit and want one? What are you waiting for? Talk to both of them and offer what you have to offer. "Hey. Awesome baby! So I'm willing to help out. Call me a (babysitter? godmother? aunt? grandmother? what sort of inclusion are you hoping for there? Or no inclusions at ALL but wanting him to be PRESENT with you too? Sort it out. Then TALK it out with your peeps.)


So, now I am feeling threatened and insecure about my place for the long run with Twitch. I don't want to be the one shut out of this wonder that is about to take place, but how can I be part of it? There is no role for me to fit into that.
You ASK for a role, if that is what you desire.


And I really don't have a right to intrude into Shasti's world. This is her time, her baby. Twitch may never get to be as involved as I am worrying about. Their relationship may never reach that richness that would elevate him to such a status within her family unit.
True. But you seem to WANT a role. So ASK. It doesn't mean you will GET one, it is Shasti's life/baby. But she won't know what is being offered or desired if you do not own your responsibility to KNOW and STATE your wants, needs, and limits.

She is not a mindreader. Neither is he.


I am going to have to fall back on his word and give him the benefit of the doubt. I need to trust in his love for me. On my end I'm going to make sure to keep our connection strong, so that our relationship isn't weakened.
Uh huh. So how does keeping connection strong WITHOUT full disclosure of your thoughts work? You wrote that blog entry July 27. It sounds like you have spent 2 weeks making yourself and him nuts.

Just take the bull by the horns and ASK if this is possible, that you WANT to be included if allowed to be.

Negotiate, work it out. Even if the answer is NO, then you can relax some and move forward rather than doing the "what if" limbo thing and making yourself feel all UGH. Because then you are on solid ground again -- in the YES place or in the NO place. And not in frozen Hang Time -- trying to stand on air and struggling.



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