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-   -   Feeling Lost (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26479)

vedwards89 08-12-2012 08:59 AM

Feeling Lost
 
I have been with my husband for 8 going on 9 years and we have been married for almost 4. Threw the years we have experimented with threesomes and always talked about someday how it would be cool to almost find a girlfriend for us both considering I am bisexual. After we had a baby i went through a very tough depression and had an affair. I came clean about it and we went to marriage therapy and i went on medication to help with my depression. My husband works a very stressful sale job where he will some times work 60 hour work weeks. Even though our relationship was strong he couldnt come to me about our realistic worldly troubles like money and fears at work. Last week he brought home a friend from work. Immediatly red flags went up when i see this attractive woman sitting on my couch coming home from an errand. we all hung out and she came over again 2 nights later. The next morning my husband told me i need to reconsider an open relationship. i was crushed. i went through this major depression form having a baby to a very mentally abusive affair to trying to get close to my husband again to him wanting to bring someone into our lives again. And she is a virgin! we have all discussed things and i really do like this girl and think it would be good for our relationship for him to have someone but the jealousy is killing me and i dont know what to do! Please help:confused:

dingedheart 08-12-2012 01:15 PM

Hi and welcome.

With a 60 hr work week and a young child how much time is available for another relationship?

Why do you think a outside relationship will help things with the 2 of you?

snowmelt 08-12-2012 01:31 PM

It sounds to me like neither of you know how to really talk to each other. Unresolved stuff builds up. It reaches a certain threshold, then both of you react to this threshold being reached by doing destructive things. It's time to learn to talk to each other. You can talk to him about your discomfort with this girl, but that is not the real issue here. That's the distraction from the real issue. The real issue is something underneath that. The closer you get to the real issue the closer the two of you will get.

GalaGirl 08-12-2012 11:50 PM

Quote:

After we had a baby i went through a very tough depression and had an affair.

My husband works a very stressful sale job where he will some times work 60 hour work weeks.
Both sound run down and depleted to me.

Quote:

Even though our relationship was strong he couldnt come to me about our realistic worldly troubles like money and fears at work.
Ergo, rship is NOT strong at all. Weak in communication.

Quote:

The next morning my husband told me i need to reconsider an open relationship.
And you say -- "No. I do not NEED. You are not the boss of the rship. It is you WANT me to consider. My answer? Not the best time to Open. We are both run down and depleted. And our own relationship is weak the wife <--> husband tier with communication. The polymath tiers of a "V" or "triad" will require each mini rship inside the larger polyship to be well tended for all of it to work out well. And it is more like a quad since there is baby needs to account for. We are not healthy partners right now to just each other, so not offering our best to welcome Another. Opening at this time is foolish. We'd do better to work on our probs and then talk about Opening when we are healthier."

(See recent similar thread. It covers the polymath and coping with all the tiers in a trio. Also -- this chick. WTF? It is fine she seems nice. But her being a virgin? And being attracted to a family that has all this broken? Unhealthy people attract other unhealthy people. She may not be mean, but she prob won't be emotionally strong. Those who are would see new baby, depressed wife, and go --- Ooo. You guys need to do repair work first! )

How does he react when you say that "NO. Not at this time" firmly? Is he planning to do it anyway? Open up the marriage with or without your consent?

Quote:

i was crushed. i went through this major depression form having a baby to a very mentally abusive affair to trying to get close to my husband again to him wanting to bring someone into our lives again. And she is a virgin! we have all discussed things and i really do like this girl and think it would be good for our relationship for him to have someone but the jealousy is killing me and i dont know what to do! Please help
Listen to your jealousy. Jealousy works like a red flag emotion. "Something is wrong here! Dig deeper to see what it speaks to!" Do not ignore your jealous flag. It is trying to tell you something.

And you just articulated it -- quite well in fact. Let me repeat what I am hearing in my own words:
  • I went through a major depression (post partum?)
  • I did a wrong thing in having an affair rather than working on what was wrong at home AT HOME WITH YOU.
  • I was broken and vulnerable and seeking emotional closeness and I looked in the wrong place.
  • I had a mentally abusive affair adding to the horrible.
  • You and I are still not in right relationship. We have not worked on the problem of the affair, the problem of the depression, and the problem of lack of emotional closeness. The domino effect of problems.
  • Your bringing up open relationships at this time increases my emotional unsafe feeling because -- can't you even SEE the broken here? Are you running away from dealing with it/me?

Are you feeling trapped/lonely with a demanding new baby and a husband who works such long hours? And now that he wants to open and date someone else -- you will get even LESS support and closeness at home?

In case you need some resources -- morethantwo and serolynne are places to start.

But serious? I think before you go THERE, you might want to google Postpartum depression resources, and how to communicate better in a marriage resources. You so do not need to Open at this time with all these other things stressing you. Do you know the stress scale? Put in your side of things and then his side of things and add it up to see the stress health number of your joint marriage.

You cannot help being depressed and now having to cope with that. But you CAN help when you Open a Marriage. This is just a foolish time to do so, IMHO. I don't know what other stressors you may have but just on rough job for him, new baby, depression, affair, AND wanting to start a new rship? Dang!

Hang in there. *hugs*

HTH!
GG


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