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-   -   Complicated situation.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26405)

Absolutzandra 08-11-2012 02:08 PM

Complicated situation..
So i am new to the poly world and it is something i have been interested in experiencing for a while now. I recently have entered into a mans life who has a pretty complication situation on his hands. He is married (separated, soon to be divorced) and has a woman on the side whom hes been cheating on his wife with for the past 7 years. His wife and he were mono. The woman he is with now, he is in love with, but they are not in any official relationship because she lives with her baby's father and she is not ready to leave the baby's father for him right now. One of those stay together for the kids kind of thing. So now he has brought me into the mix. We have a very sexual relationship. It was supposed to be friends with benefits but now we have some feelings involved. I have falleb in love with him. He always tells me how he likes me so much but cant love me because he loves this mother woman. I am okay with him not loving me back. I am working on unselfish love and it does not hurt me that he loves her and not me. I explained i am interested in polyamory. He said he doesnt like the idea, he only wants to be with one person. He said its fine if i see other people, because i told him its only fair because of his situation. His wife doesnt know about me or the other woman, and the other woman knows he is interested in me and told him he can do what he wants because they are not in a committed relationship.

The whole thing is crazy. I want to see other people so that i am not so focused on him. Because right now even tho we have not said it, it feels like we are in a relationship. We see each other every day and talk and text all day. Im happy with the situation and i dont mind the fact that he loves her and not me. I also am okay with the fact that he will eventually end things with me to be in a mono relationship with her. I just enjoy the time we spend together even though i know its not going to last. I just think i need to be more involved with other people, without ending the relationship and love i have for him. Its just hard to find people who are into the poly thing. I dont know many people who have that lifestyle. I guess ijust dont know where to go from here.

opalescent 08-12-2012 02:54 AM

I guess I don't get why you aren't seeing other people? You want to, he doesn't care. So, go see other people...

I also don't get why you stay. He doesn't love you and never will. He's involved in not one but two completely messed up relationships. He cheats. He wants to be monogamous but completely sucks at it. (Don't think so? Read over your descriptions of his other relationships.) If he wanted to really be monogamous, he would be.

Unselfish love doesn't mean doormat. You deserve a real relationship (or two or three!) with people who love you and want to be with you, not fuck you on the side. You deserve better.

GalaGirl 08-12-2012 08:13 AM

Gotta agree with opalescent.

I'd end it. This being in love thing so early on? That's just brain chemistry. Hormone cascade giving you the crush / NRE high. It's the neuroscience of falling in love -- you can Google that.

It's fun to feel. Don't get me wrong.

But basically you have a dead end street there. Which by itself is not a bad thing -- you can go into a polyship knowing it's got a time clock attached. Like the person has to move in 6 mos overseas for work or something and neither wants a long distance rship so you enjoy it while it lasts.

But THIS? This is a man who has CHEATED on his wife for 7 years with a woman who has a baby by another man and cheats on HIM for that long. Who is happy to string you along.

You want to roll with a rat's nest of cheaters? What do they lie to YOU about? Safe sex? Cooties? OTHER people in the mix?

Ew. Not ethical at all.

I'm sorry if that's Hard to Hear. But polamory is a not about throwing your ethics to the winds. You deserve ethical, nurturing, loving polyships that FEED you, not DRAIN you.

Just because this man is willing to have "a" polyship -- that's no reason to just date him. Elevate the bar to having an ethical polyship.


CielDuMatin 08-12-2012 12:46 PM

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have people around who love you and care for you. You deserve to be free from drama in your relationships, so that you can use them as a foundation for your own growth. You deserve to have people close to you who you can trust and rely on.

I'm not really sensing any of that in what you wrote.

Absolutzandra 08-12-2012 01:38 PM

Well i am not looking for marriage or a long term relationship right now. I see each relationship in my life to be there for a reason. Although this is so unconventional, i dont feel like i am being used or taken advantage of. I have made the decision to continue seeing him even tho he has this web attatched to him.
I do trust him completely. I know he is a cheater, but i am okay that he sees other people. Even tho he has this love for the other woman, i dont feel like i get treated with any less care and respect. He is very kind and gentle. He is very sweet and loving towards me, even tho he cant say it.

As for loving him so early, ive actually known him for 2 years and just now we have started a sexual/romantic relationship.

My whole mind set on the thing is that i am very happy when i spend time with him, i care a lot about him, and he about me (he has actually cried and told me he really doesnt want to hurt me and he feels so badly about the situation.) i have always looked at relationships with the idea that it was going to be lifelong. Ive realized that people come and go in and out of our lives for a reason, and it doesnt have to be forever.

Emm 08-12-2012 01:58 PM


Originally Posted by Absolutzandra (Post 147811)
I know he is a cheater, but i am okay that he sees other people.

How do the other people feel about him seeing you and/or each other?

Absolutzandra 08-12-2012 02:06 PM

Well his wife is oblivious to the whole situation, but they are in the middle of getting divorced. The other woman had made it clear to him she wanted him to see other people and not put his life on hold because they cant be together right now because she is living with her babys father. So he has told her that he is interested in seeing me, but he hasnt been completely honest about us seeing each other on the regular. So she said its okay but he doesnt want to tell her we have actuallu been hanging out and sleeping together. One of those dont ask dont tell kind of things. She told him its up to him how mich he wants to share with her.

nycindie 08-12-2012 06:27 PM

What a mess. So, it sounds like he's a liar and a cheater who says he only wants one person YET has a wife who's leaving him, a mistress, and a fuck buddy. That's pretty fucked-up about how to be in relationships, and underneath it all he doesn't seem to have very much respect for any women (and that includes YOU). Your needs will never be met by this guy. Even though you only want casual (and I can relate because that's how I like my involvements, too), you will always feel like some cheap and dirty secret. Hey, go for it if that's okay with you, but if you want to support your sense of self esteem, I'd look elsewhere. One of my boundaries, even in my most casual of relationships, is that I never want to be made to feel like someone's whore, or a convenient slit. Sorry to be so blunt, but my instincts tell me that's all you'll ever be to him.

opalescent 08-12-2012 06:43 PM

You seem to have a clearer view than most of the situation. That's good. However, it's not so much if you feel taken advantage of or used. If you don't feel that's the case, that's a positive.

However, think of it this way when I suggest again you move on from this sexual relationship. Even for poly folks, there is only so much time and space and energy in a given day, a given week, a lifetime. This man is not going to be a partner, long or short-term. I realize you are not looking for something long-term or committed right now. However, he's not truly available to you. He's tied up in some very disordered relationships right now. He doesn't love you. Yes, both of you may get a lot out of the relationship - I don't doubt that. You are emotionally involved with him and love him. There is nothing wrong with that; it's freely given and you've been clear you don't expect anything along those lines back from him. But he is clearly taking up quite a bit of your emotional, mental and physical energy as well as some of your time. After all, you wrote a post about him to strangers on a forum! He's (the mental version of him in your head anyway) has claimed a certain amount of your time, energy, space and love. Long story short, consider cutting him loose so you take back your energy, time and emotions. This action may open up other opportunities, other possiblities for relationships.

A friend came out of a very unpleasant divorce which was the result of a poly quad exploding. Poly drama everywhere. She did not want to marry again and so dated casually for quite a bit. However, when she reached the point where, maybe, she might want someone for a more committed relationship (if not marriage which was still scary), she realized she also had to end her more casual relationships, her FWBs. Not because there was anything wrong with them, or with her. She did not want a committed relationship with either of them. Possibly she could have continued as FWBs until she found a more committed partner or partners. However, staying in the casual situation took up time, energy and space that she could not use to go find what she really wanted in life. A few months after ending her FWB relationships, she met the man who she would eventually marry. I'm not saying you are in this position now but someday, you might be.

And if the answer is no, I want to continue - which is cool, you're an adult
who can certainly direct your own life - ask yourself why. Why stay in this setup with this particular man in this particular situation? The answers, whatever they turn out to be, will tell you a great deal about where you are mentally and emotionally in your life in general, not just specific to this relationsihp.

I wish you the best of luck and I really, really wish the situation doesn't develop into a clusterfuck. (Forgive me my cynicism. We read about a lot of stupid situations on this board that originate in one or more partners cheating. I sincerely hope you avoid that.)

Absolutzandra 08-12-2012 07:47 PM

You are definately right that he is taking up a lot of my time, energy, emotions, and thoughts. I want to continue seeing him because the sex is just absolutely amazing! But i do find it hard to meet other people when im with him everyday. However im at a point in my life where i have made a lot of recent mindset and lifestyle changes and i find that i no longer relate to my friends. I find it unappealing to go out drinking and get messed up every night. I dont have a lot of people to hang out with and i dont really know how i go about making new friends, let alone finding a lover. Im not saying i want to stay with him because its convenient. I really do enjoy the time i spend with him. I just dont know how to go about meeting new people. Any suggestions? I wouldnt mind spending less time with him to be meeting other people and opening up opportunities for new relationships.

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