The first time I've felt excluded...
Hello everyone, I am glad to have found this forum.
A little about me and my relationships- my husband, J, and I have been married for 8 years, I came out as bi early in our relationship and he has always been supportive of me having female "friends with benefits". Sometimes he joins in the sex, sometimes not (depends on the other woman's wants). He is fine with either as his drive is not as high as mine.
I also have a gf- S, and she has been part of our family for a year now. I am definately the "hinge" in the relationship. I love both of them, they both love me, and they are good friends. S doesn't live with us, but spends most weekends with me (J works nights on weekends). When we all happen to have an opportunity to be together- we take it and have amazing sex.
This is S's first FF relationship, not for lack of desire, just lack of opportunity. She also identifies as bi, and has some needs that I cannot fulfill (mostly physical, some light emotional) and J has been slowly trying to meet more of those needs because I have asked him to because, well, I want her to be happy. They have had sex a few times solo and have even had date nights. I have always felt warm fuzzies when this happens- knowing that my two favorite people are having fun.
Things have been pretty smooth- we communicate well and are open with each other. So what's the issue?
The other night we were all lying in bed, me in the middle as usual just talking and snuggling. I asked S if she wanted to get middle snuggled for a while and she moved over. Soon after J was kissing her. I was surprised because nobody had seemed interested at first, but got into it quickly. Then- how do I put this delicately?? J was on top of S and then decided to lie down for a position change, when he did, I tried to get on him. He said "hold on a minute baby" or something to that extent, and S got on him an I just laid down next to him, upset. When J tried to touch me I just said "no, I'll wait my turn" and did just that. Soon, she moved and we proceeded. It felt good, I tried to push it away as an overreaction and temporarily succeeded. When we finished I left the room to go smoke. As I left j asked if I was taken care of and I said "not really, but whatever".
S came to check on me and I brushed her off. I sat downstairs for a good half an hour trying to understand and combat these new feelings, but I ended up getting more and more angry. I went upstairs to find they had fallen asleep and was instantly in a rage. He didn't come to check on me!? He didn't care that I was mad!? All of that psycho-drama I vow to stay away from. He called me selfish, I called them selfish and inattentive to my obvious discomfort, it just didn't go to well.
In deconstructing, I know there are a lot of factors that came into play - J and I had just gotten back- that night- from an emotionally and sexually intense 5 day alone vacation. S and I hadn't been together for almost two weeks total. I had missed a couple of days of anti-depressants. Etc, etc.
During the aftermath, S says she misinterpreted my statements as half-stubborn me, half-joking. She says she sometimes feels left out and that with three it's bound to happen. J says he didn't know that it was so serious, that before we left I had suggested he and she fool around since we would be gone, that he hadn't had a chance to do so, and that he was sorry. They both apologized. But...
But now I can't stop evaluating it in my head. What if this happens again? Are we going to have to be careful about sex while we are doing it (blah!) is he going to pull away from her? Do I want him to?
I feel like this weird wrench has just been thrown into our relationship and I don't know how to proceed. Help?
Sounds like you need to refocus yourself on what is going right instead of focusing on what went wrong-one time. Put it perspective, how many times have things gone right?
Then only give it the % of attention due it in that perspective.
Also-maybe you need to evaluate if you have some needs of your own that aren't being met?
Oh, I am way over-thinking it, and I know that. I am just having trouble changing focus and I'm stuck in A circle.
I poked at the needs not being met as a possible reason, but it didn't feel right.
The best fit I have found is that I need to be the center of things when it comes to our relationship. It has to be about me and in my control. J is in the relationship because it is what I need, not him. It felt like he was connecting more to her sexually and it bothered me.
It also made me feel physically insecure, although my rational mind knows she is not better than me, just different, there is a little voice whispering "what if she is?"
Now to resolve those thoughts/feelings...
Well, I think maybe you are over-reacting and over-analyzing. Maybe try to just let it go. Don't allow a small thing (and common at that) to fester into something it's not deserving of.
Flowing well in a 3 way sexual situation takes practice (so practice more :) ). Different times different people seem to end up in the center of attention and that's ok. Be happy. Your turn will cum - especially if you just express (in a nice way) that you were ENVIOUS of that particular flow. It's normal. Caring partners will WANT to make sure you get yours another time - and you will.
Don't be greedy - as you said.
Different times different moods and needs are present and that's just one of the facets that 3 way sex and relationships have to acknowledge and work together to balance. Can someone occasionally come out with the short end of the stick ? Absolutely. Such is life. It's only when it happens repeatedly and consistently that it's a problem.
And you are probably right about the meds. Anti depressants are nasty drugs - far worse than most street drugs, and changing routines with them can upset the apple cart pretty easily. Sad fact is that as long as you are addicted to them your life is likely to be........unpredictable at best. But that's not a topic for here.
Learn to flow............
Thanks for the replies- it's nice to have people who understand!
So if I know it's irrational, I know I am overthinking- do I still let them know how I am feeling? From reading much on the forum I see that open communication is constantly stressed, but are there exceptions to that rule? Do I share with them as I try to let go, or since it's my own past issues, do I deal with it quietly and not make waves?
Thanks again for your thoughtful responses
Responding to FoundtheTwo & GS
Foundthetwo, hello and welcome!
It's completely and totally normal to have moments where you feel like something's not going right, especially in a charged sexual situation, and extra especially with all the extenuating circumstances you mentioned.
The best thing I can recommend is talking with your partners to make a plan for next time one of you feels that way, so that the situation is less likely to explode. The Ethical Slut has two great chapters in a row, one on jealousy and one on conflict, that might really help you make a plan. The authors actually recommend calling a 'time-out' (yes, really!) when you feel triggered and about to explode. Everyone knows where they're going for the next fifteen or thirty minutes, and then afterwards you do something calmer and unrelated together (watch a movie, go for a walk, whatever) and make a plan for talking later. It's a great strategy to avoid fireworks.
All in all though, don't worry that a bad night happened. Every relationship has them. Welcome to the forum!
All that said, I really need to respond to some comments by GS:
I'm sorry if I come off strongly here-- I have several close friends who do in fact depend on anti-depressants to avoid suicidal urges. If one of them were to read your words after missing even a day of medicine, as our reader admits she has, they might be inclined to stop medicating, and a suicide attempt would be the most likely result.
I appreciate that you wrote those words out of concern for FoundtheTwo. In your shoes, I might have written something like: "I've been in a similar situation, and I found that my medication was part of the problem. You might consider speaking with your prescribing psychiatrist about other options if your medication isn't working for you."
FoundtheTwo-- I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. GS-- I hope I haven't offended you.
Thanks Saudade, for hijacking- I was a little taken aback by the anti-medication response GS posted. I know there are many people that feel strongly about the use of anti-depressants, but it really wasn't what I was asking about.
@GS FYI, I have attempted to go med free because I would love to be able to function day-to-day without them. Unfortunately, I come from a long line of people with mental health issues and it's not an option for me. I have four children and not enough time and energy to manage my chaotic emotions. I am acutely aware that my life would be *much* more.... Unpredictable sans medication.
If I may go back to the original issue, does anyone have a plan as Saudade suggested? If so, does it cause everyone to become hyper-aware? I want to protect myself, but not to the detriment of the sex. I love the impulsivity of our sex life, and don't want to feel that my emotions have made that too difficult.
First - sorry for being seeming harsh regarding the med element. That really is not a topic for here and it was only one of the complicating factors you described.
So yea, back to focus........
If you think back, is this the first time it worked out that you were NOT the center of attention ? If not, did you just flow with it better in the past ? Is it possible that all that whole series of conditions you described just made for a unique worst case scenario ? If so, I think just acknowledging it openly as such (sorry - had a bad night overall) is the end of it !
If NOT, if you truly feel you need to be center of attention all the time, do you think that's fair ? Is that your part of a loving & giving relationship - to always be on the receiving end ? Right ? Get what I mean ?
I really doubt that's the case, but if it were, how long do you think that is going to last ?
In our 3 way experiences we always at least try to make sure everyone get's their fair share of being center of attention. But time, energy and a variety of outside factors can impose on that. But where we all know going in that that's the plan, if it doesn't work out in one instance we try to make up for it in the next ! Not at all uncommon for one person to say " hey ! X didn't get a lot of special attention last time - let's focus on them first !" It's all in the spirit of everyone being happy and satisfied.
But like we say so often on similar topics - it's NOT a competition. Nobody is (or should be) keeping score ! Like you said - the spontaneity is a big part of the excitement. And that being the case you have to learn to just flow with that as much as possible. If it get's consistently one-sided (2 sided?), THEN you have a different issue. But I say don't build or cross that bridge unless you come to it.
Keep us posted ! :)
GS- thanks for making me think about stuff more... No, it's definately not the first time I haven't been the COA, come to think about it, it seems we are pretty fair with sexual attention. And I usually love to watch the two of them...
So- now I can boil it down to two things: one- it was the first time I can remember J telling me to wait and let he and S keep going with their flow, two- it was all of the other circumstances that caused me to be more sensitive to the perceived brush-off.
I talked with J some more last night and he honestly doesn't remember saying anything to me about waiting. I told him that was ok, but he had to know I was upset immedietly after she got on top. He acknowledged that he knew, but couldn't understand what I was upset about and figured I was just being dramatic. We talked about having a "stop" plan in the future, and will be discussing with S tonight.
Thanks for all of the great input! I will let you know how the convo goes!
That kind of was what I suspected.
And really, if you think about it (remember that spontaneity), would YOU want someone breaking YOUR flow ? :)
Live & learn - right :) Not really a big deal - just one of those AH HAH moments .
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