Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   BF expresses interest in close friend. I feel weird.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26296)

Cleo 08-09-2012 01:30 PM

BF expresses interest in close friend. I feel weird..
 
So, my boyfriend C met one of my close friends the other day and today sends me an email saying that he really liked her and asking me how I would feel if he 'got to know her better'.

I replied and said friendship would be perfectly fine, dating would feel like an awkward mixing of connections to me. You know, since he asked...
The thing is, I have a husband and another BF, and I really don't feel I'm in the position to deny him a possible relationship with anybody. But, the thought that he would get involved with her makes me feel very, very weird.

Not so much jealousy for where he's concerned, I suppose I'm more worried about my friendship with her. We're pretty close, and share lots of intimate details about our lives (she's one of the very few people I talk to about my sex life). The thought of the 2 of them being intimate just makes me feel.... weird!
Now, because I know her pretty well, I'm quite sure that he's not her type. But, it seems dangerous to count on this, and I feel like I should be prepared for the fact that she might be interested. (She's been in poly-ish relationships before, the poly part would not bother her I think, although the fact that I am the part of the poly situation will possibly bother her).

So far, I did nothing but tell him 'that would probably be uncomfortable but I won't stand in your way' and gave him her email address (and told her that I did). I also asked him to keep me informed... I speak to her fairly often, and I really wouldn't like it if I heard something from her that I would have rather heard from him. But, even with that I have a hard time deciding where my loyalty lies!

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Could you move past the weirdness? Did it affect the friendship?

Mya 08-09-2012 02:03 PM

I don't have any other boundaries outside safer sex stuff than this one, my friends. I feel exactly like you do. I would be worried about the friendship. I admit it, it would bother me a lot if my partner dated my close friend. This is a boundary I'm willing to negotiate though, and in the end I probably wouldn't stand in the way of their relationship if that's something they both really wanted. But man, it would be so hard for me. I haven't been in your situation, but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your thoughts/feelings about this.

Cleo 08-09-2012 02:09 PM

Thanks Mya. I don't feel good about setting a boundary about this, but I think it's mainly because I have so many loves and he has only one...
Ah well I'll just keep my fingers crossed that indeed I know her well enough and she's not attracted to him :)

If it were my husband expressing an interest, I would very firmly tell him not to go there!

Cleo 08-09-2012 02:13 PM

Actually I am just realizing something else that's bothering me about it. In the past I have been worried that he might be too dependant on me. And while the fact that he's expressing interest in someone other than me should give me the opposite feeling, the fact that he chooses someone who is so intricately connected with my life, gives me the vibe that he is too dependant... the very silly childish feeling: why can't he find someone on his own?

Ugh... just when I thought my poly ship was in calmer water, another little storm comes up...

GalaGirl 08-09-2012 02:25 PM

Look, if it is bugging you that much, just be honest and say "NO. I'm not down with that because I'm worried it would weird out the friendship I have with her. I'm already worried you are too dependent on me."

Or if you are willing to entertain a discussion (that means discuss, not automatically say "yes!" could still be "no!") say THAT. "I'm not crazy about it. I am worried it would weird out the friendship I have with her. You picking someone so close to me worries me that you are too dependent on me. You can see if she's even interested. If not, it doesn't matter. If yes, then I'm willing to discuss it. But it could mean we end if you guys decide to date and I'm still weird feeling. I would try to remain friends if so."

Just grab the bull by the horns.

You have the responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits.

GG

snowmelt 08-10-2012 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cleo (Post 147223)
the fact that he chooses someone who is so intricately connected with my life, gives me the vibe that he is too dependant... the very silly childish feeling: why can't he find someone on his own?

When you say too dependent, do you mean too dependent on you? If so, isn't your friend a different person than you? Could it be that you feel that these two people know you really well, so if they get together and talk about you a lot, both of them will know way too much about you?

JaneQSmythe 08-10-2012 01:29 AM

OTOH - MrS and Dude were best friends before I got involved with Dude. While I think this did contribute to the upheaval of our early relationship contretemps (i.e. the mistakes I made) ultimately I think that they fact that they are best friends is what has made their metamour relationship so strong.

Big Risk, Big Reward.

I think, though I do not know, that I would prefer the boys pursue women that I am already friends with or COULD be friends with (a limited pool of women - I don't like most people). At least I think that there would be a better chance that she would consider my feelings carefully as well - because she likes me as a person in my own right as her friend...interesting to contemplate...

JaneQ

Cleo 08-10-2012 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowmelt (Post 147292)
When you say too dependent, do you mean too dependent on you? If so, isn't your friend a different person than you? Could it be that you feel that these two people know you really well, so if they get together and talk about you a lot, both of them will know way too much about you?

I guess I mean too dependent on me and my life.. I have very busy and active social life, he, not so much. He just went through a divorce and has 2 kids. I don't have kids and a lot of friends and lots of freedom.

Hm, I don't think I would mind them talking about me.. I suppose I would even kind of like that thought.... but as friends, not lovers...

Cleo 08-10-2012 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 147293)
OTOH - MrS and Dude were best friends before I got involved with Dude. While I think this did contribute to the upheaval of our early relationship contretemps (i.e. the mistakes I made) ultimately I think that they fact that they are best friends is what has made their metamour relationship so strong.

Big Risk, Big Reward.

I think, though I do not know, that I would prefer the boys pursue women that I am already friends with or COULD be friends with (a limited pool of women - I don't like most people). At least I think that there would be a better chance that she would consider my feelings carefully as well - because she likes me as a person in my own right as her friend...interesting to contemplate...

JaneQ

I did think about this... or tried to think about it... wouldn't it be awesome when 2 people I love would also love each other?

But no.. after thinking about this all day yesterday I grew more and more uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think I was most bothered by one thing.. when he asked me 'how would you feel about me getting to know her better?' I replied 'if you two started dating, that would make me uncomfortable' and he replied 'well, we would have to see, maybe it would not be uncomfortable at all'.

I mean, it just felt wrong that he dismissed my feelings (which he asked about) basically telling me that maybe I would not have these feelings. I'll decide that, thank you. Anyway, I kept thinking about it, and finally called him (which I very rarely do because I hate talking on the phone).
I said 'look, this is not about you dating someone else, I've made peace with the fact that the situation we have now is not going to go on forever, at some point you will date someone else and we don't know what my place in all that will be, and I'm not saying I won't be upset but I'm realistic about it, but my being uncomfortable here has to do with you dating HER'.

It was important for me to let him know that it wasn't a regular jealousy thing.. like I said, I'm not in a position to hold him back from dating, no matter what my feelings about it are.

We had a really good talk and he understood, told me that had hesitated about asking me, and that he would not pursue it any further. And we said goodbye congratulating each other on surviving our first Relationship Issue :)

I'm glad I called, I also feel just a little bit like a poly failure, like I should have been able to be ok with this. Maybe in a couple of years, I will be. Right now, it would just be too much to handle so I think I made the right choice here in setting this boundary.

GalaGirl 08-10-2012 01:27 PM

Glad to hear it was resolved.

And there's nothing wrong with having a boundary.

One of my close friends I consider a soul sister -- I'd feel pretty weird on her. Like it were my blood sister. Gets kinda incestuous there for me -- and there's enough people in the world, dude.

I don't think you having some of those types of "off limits" people makes you a poly failure!

Neighbors, coworkers, parents, relatives, kid's teacher -- there's gonna be some of those types that are just... off limits to date. Some for a while (kid's teacher while teaching kid) and some forever (mother!)

GG


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:50 AM.