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-   -   Venting, don't mind me. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26277)

Aaronp 08-08-2012 04:51 PM

Venting, don't mind me.
 
So I've had the same girlfriend for over a year now. We started off in the most intense NRE either of us have known and successfully grew that into a passionate love that has lasted. Go us. We communicate not just "more" but "better" than the average couple out there, seeing eye to eye on almost everything. We share a brain. One of our first conversations was about poly, I had been practicing it for a few years and she always wanted to but never had the chance.

When we met, she was single except for a casual fling around the same time and I had a couple casual relationships that never developed into full relationships. Within a few weeks we were spending every other day together as a couple and our outside partners peacefully went away.

The one exception to our similarity is when confidence is an issue. I worked my arse off for years to build my own confidence because I used to have...well...none. Now I'm at the point where I can feel insecure about something and be comfortable with that insecurity. I recently watched her have sex someone else. I was Insecure, but I knew she would come back, so I took it with a smile and moved on.

We deal with insecurity differently, hence our dilemma. Her confidence is poor because of past abusive relationships and she cannot seem to work on it. She wants to, and says she is trying, but after more than a year I feel like it is only getting worse. I can't even talk to another women without her freaking out (by that I mean full on crying/passive-aggressive behavior/accusations etc.). She sees what she does and feels terrible about it, always apologizing after the communication has ended (with the other girl usually terrified of us). She knows this is tearing us apart and always says she will be better next time and that I should go out and meet other girls...But I don't want to anymore when I have that cloud of drama just waiting for me to try anything.

I have thought hard about going mono. I have done nothing more with outside partners than a couple "first dates" with kissing over the last year. No sex or emotional connections so I feel mono whether I am or not.
We have talked about finding counselling for her, but we are both students on the verge of bankruptcy.
We have talked about her insecurities and ways to deal with them ad nauseam. She knows the theory behind how to meditate and live in the moment without emotions taking over, but theory does not turn into reality with her. She says she "just can't do it".

I don't know what to do anymore...


Sorry for the vent, I really hate being a downer.

snowmelt 08-08-2012 05:05 PM

I read your story. There are so many different directions your relationship could go, from where it is now. It would be really helpful to ask her to talk about her fears. Is she willing to register a separate user name here and talk?

lovefromgirl 08-13-2012 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaronp (Post 147092)
We deal with insecurity differently, hence our dilemma. Her confidence is poor because of past abusive relationships and she cannot seem to work on it. She wants to, and says she is trying, but after more than a year I feel like it is only getting worse. I can't even talk to another women without her freaking out (by that I mean full on crying/passive-aggressive behavior/accusations etc.). She sees what she does and feels terrible about it, always apologizing after the communication has ended (with the other girl usually terrified of us). She knows this is tearing us apart and always says she will be better next time and that I should go out and meet other girls...But I don't want to anymore when I have that cloud of drama just waiting for me to try anything.

Italics mine.

People who come out of abusive situations don't come out the way they went in. Some emerge with a touch of PTSD, complete with triggers -- situations that send them back into the old headspace, setting off old emotions like it's all happening now. She apologises to you for her behavior, but I think you also should take a look at hers and what it might be telling you about her ability to cope.

Her having to be sorry that she's cockblocking you because of something in her brain makes about as much sense as me having to be sorry I get panic attacks. Not that you make her be sorry, but something in her sees that she needs to be, and I have to wonder whether she's seeing something in your behavior that sets off that particular inner dialogue.

Quote:

I have thought hard about going mono. I have done nothing more with outside partners than a couple "first dates" with kissing over the last year. No sex or emotional connections so I feel mono whether I am or not.
We have talked about finding counselling for her, but we are both students on the verge of bankruptcy.
And yet you spell "arse" and "counselling" like you live in a country with some kind of health care for situations like this. You know, Not Effing America. Have you tried Googling "abuse survivors [your country here]"?

Quote:

We have talked about her insecurities and ways to deal with them ad nauseam. She knows the theory behind how to meditate and live in the moment without emotions taking over, but theory does not turn into reality with her. She says she "just can't do it".
Have you considered adjusting your language around "her insecurities"? This is not sounding like insecurity to me in the traditional sense. This is sounding like a situation for a mental health professional, because a) you're not one and b) they have more in their toolbags than what sounds very much like Buddhism in place of actual therapy. Buddhism is not therapy. Zen is zen, PTSD is PTSD, and I don't believe one ought to apply the former to the latter and expect results.


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