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-   -   Opinions Needed Please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26273)

lionessjlf 08-08-2012 02:36 PM

Opinions Needed Please
A little background first. I am 41yr old bi female married to a 34yr old straight male. My hubby has been mono his entire life. Me, not so much lol. I have had poly relationships in my past with females only, no men (by choice). We have recently, after 7+yrs of mono together opened up to poly. I was very worried about him in this as he has never experienced it before. I think he is having a rough time. I am not dating anyone right now as I am in no hurry. He has jumped in pretty quickly and went out on a date. Let's call her Z.

After a few days and lots of texts, emails, ect they went out on thier first (and only) date. He made a bad decision to get drunk which, for all puposes I forgave him for as I figured he was very nervous. This being new to him. They hit it off! I was very happy to hear that as I really want this to be a good thing for him.

I'm pretty concerned about the pace at which the two of them have been going. I feel it's moving really really fast. We have been completely upfront about what we were looking for which is more of a LTR than just sex. I voiced my concerns to both my hubby and Z and they agreed to pace themselves. I just feel that if you are trully looking for something more permanent, jumping in this quick is a recipe for disaster.They already have intentions to become intimate and both seem to be a huge hurry to do so.

I feel that Z, being already very emotionally involved with my hubby, is going to get hurt. My hubby is one of those rare "nice guys" who will inadvertantly lead her on to think he is as emotionally involved as she is. That's one issue he his struggling with. He likes her and doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He and I have discussed this. My stance on it is totally honesty. If he is not feeling the same way as her, he needs to let her know. He doesn't know her well enough yet, obviously, to feel anything remotely close to waht she is feeling. He does LIKE her so far.

Her and I have plans to finally meet this weekend and I was really excited about it. Now I'm not sure if it's a good idea. So far in our conversations we've had, she seems to be a pretty genuine, honest person. Heck I like her.

I am having a tough time with the pace of thier relationship, and I do realize that MY definition of going too fast may not be THIER definition of it so I'm thinking I need to back off and just let what happens, happen. Although that is very difficult for me as I am the type of person who is always looking out for everyone involved.

Now when I voice my concerns to my hubby about the feeling she may be getting attached too quickly, he downplays it. He says he's not getting too attached so what does it matter. I just can't understand his thinking. It's as if he is not at all concerned with her emotional well being. I'm very afraid he is too busy being caught up in what HE is getting out of it: the flattery, the attention, the sex, that he is not thinking about anyone else's feelings.

I know I need to remove myself from the situation for the simple fact that I can't accept the pace of this. I also know that I have no way to prevent anyone from getting hurt if I do that, and that's a tough pill to swallow. Any opinion will be most welcome, I need to know how to 'stay out of it' without undermining my own comfort level. I know he's brand new to this, I know mistakes will be made, how do I just let them be made? I feel like the ONLY one in this who is concerned for ALL in this.

snowmelt 08-08-2012 02:42 PM

What are you (focus on yourself please) not getting, since Z appeared in your life, that you want?

lionessjlf 08-08-2012 04:20 PM

That's a good question. Mainly it comes down to consideration. He has been really inconsiderate of me since this began, we have had many many discussions about it but he has made no effort to be any different. It doen't help any that my Birthday is this weekend and he is more worried about when he can see her again than what I want\need for the weekend. He works all the time so weekends are the only free time he gets. My b-day is Fri, we cancelled our date due to finances, her and I are supposed to meet on Saturday and he wanted to know if I would be OK with him following her back to her place after we meet. She lives two hours away so he would more than likely be gone overnight which I have stated that I'm not comfortable with this early on as we have a 4yr old child. What's the hurry? Why not next weekend? I am a stay at home mom so I was hoping to get a little 'me' time this weekend away from the house and Mommy duties.....so yeah, consideration.

snowmelt 08-08-2012 04:42 PM

Your hubby has a shiny new toy to play with. I'm not the first to use this phrase. It fits in your situation. I say this very sincerely. He is drunk on New Relationship Energy. Your job is to make it very clear to him that you need him to consider your needs too. If he doesn't want to listen to you at all, then that's another issue altogether that needs to be discussed with him. Keep in mind, all relationships need balance. NRE likes to throw off that balance. In extreme cases, NRE can destroy the "original" relationship. Your job is to kindly but firmly tell him what you need and make sure you get it.

lionessjlf 08-08-2012 05:25 PM

Well said. I came up with a solution that will make us all happy. She comes here. We'll get together and celebrate our meeting each other and if they need some 'alone' time, they can escape to a hotel. My needs will be met, as well as thiers. I really really like her!

snowmelt 08-08-2012 06:09 PM

Glad to hear it. Have fun and happy birthday.

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